In my drinking days, alcohol was my way of taking myself down a notch. That was the easy way out of not feeling the feelings of sadness, anger, depression, fear, isolation—all of those emotions that I want to run away from normally, especially in the grieving process. I don’t have that option anymore. Period.
Life gets easier to live now that I have accumulated many days of sobriety. And yet, the tough things are still there to get through.
Yes, death took me to my bottom of drinking in 2004. It was easier to check out and not sort through all of those feelings. I have experienced a lot of death in the last three years. Mom, my niece, and most-recently, my sister. Now what to do with all of that emotion without the option of alcohol?
In the process of grief, I have learned several mechanisms I have put in place to protect myself:
1.) Busy. Make myself busy. Crazy busy. The busier the better. No thinking. No feeling. Busy.
Ok, that’s not it. That just postpones the inevitable feelings waiting to surface when I slow down.
2.) Take myself down a notch emotionally and spiritually. Don’t feel. Make myself numb. Not available to myself or to you. Not serving either one of us.
That doesn’t work either. My protect mechanisms weren’t protecting. They were depleting me, exhausting me and making me feel empty. My only option left is to surrender.
Whew. I need to reconnect, refill, and restore—
God, I offer myself to Thee - To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always! Amen.
Ok, God. I am back.
“Be still, and know that I am God”
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