THE STEPS

S.T.E.P. — Solution To Every Problem.

I heard this acronym early in sobriety and recently, a friend reminded me of it. When we were in the middle of our addiction and obsession with drugs and alcohol, that was the solution. Except for the fact that it was a lie. It was a coverup for anything but a solution. 

It was chaos and confusion. The puzzle pieces of my life were not fitting together. They were scattered about. The drugs and alcohol kept every problem in my life firmly in place. No movement. No growth. Static. No change.

When I took the alcohol out of the equation. That was a start to having some clarity. The first step was admitting I was powerless over my life—people, places and things. Then I had to surrender to God. 

I can’t. He can. I think I’ll let Him. (Steps one, two and three)

I realized that was only the beginning.

When I started working the 12 steps with my sponsor, my life began to change. I found solutions to all problems that I was facing in my life. The pieces were fitting together in a more orderly way. I urge you to take these 12 Steps and see how they can help you. They are amazing tools I can use daily—not just once, but many times. 

They are a roadmap to life. A design for living. A pathway to peace. Taking this life as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting God to handle the details. 

Here is a quick review of how The Steps work to stay in the solution:

Steps 1 through 3 — getting right with God

Steps 4 through 7 —  getting right with myself

Steps 8 and 9 —getting right with others

Steps 10, 11 and 12 — Staying right on a daily basis

It is a lifelong journey with God, myself and with others around me daily through…

Prayer and Meditation

Reviewing Behaviors

Amending

Staying in Solutions

Serving Others

“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.”

Proverbs 16:9

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SIMILARITIES, NOT DIFFERENCES

I was taught in sobriety to look for the similarities in other alcoholics, not the differences. To identify with them and not compare myself with others.

To identify implies seeing likenesses.

Comparing implies looking for better than or less than.

When we compare ourselves, we separate from others. When we identify, we lift ourselves out of isolation and become “part of.” The way out of the pit of isolation is to identify, be a part of, and to notice and feel similarities with our fellow alcoholics.

When I see the differences, I become “separate.”

When I see the similarities, I become “part of.”

This empowers us. It helps us step out of judgement into acceptance. Find somebody, see how they are like you and talk with them. I think you’ll find that feeling of belonging—

Then do it again.

Then again.

You in yet?

“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”

1 Thessalonians 5:11

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DYNAMIC PATIENCE

What?

When I think of having patience, I think of being static. Stuck. Until something happens to take me out of waiting.

But, patience is not necessarily static, being stuck or waiting.

Patience: 1) bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint; 2) steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity. 3) not hasty or impetuous.

Static: 1) of or relating to bodies at rest or forces in equilibrium. 2) showing little change

Dynamic: marked by usually continuous and productive activity or change 2) of or relating to physical force or energy. 3) an underlying cause of change or growth.

Aha! There it is. “Dynamic: an underlying cause of change or growth.”

Sometimes I feel like I am put on hold— “Just wait patiently now.” My first instinct when hearing that from God is to resist. But, patience can be dynamic: “Steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity—this being the underlying cause of change or growth.”

It’s much like being joyful in the midst of sadness.

God is not finished. I am a work in progress. There is more work God has in store for me if I just wait and pay attention. God is transforming behind the scenes—changing me as we go.

Pray.

Wait.

See.

“Can anyone hide out in a corner where I can’t see him?” God’s Decree. “Am I not present everywhere, whether seen or unseen?” God’s Decree.”

Jeremiah 23:24  (The Message)

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MY MESS BECAME MY MESSAGE

I didn’t want to become an alcoholic when I was young. I didn’t want to be and alcoholic when I was and actively drinking. And, most of all, I didn’t want to admit I was an alcoholic when I was at the end of my drinking. My life was a mess. I was out of control.

When I did finally admit that I was an alcoholic and surrendered to God, everything changed. I was free. The alcohol was separation from God. The way was clear for me to access God’s power. I got busy being sober, staying sober and helping others to get sober and stay sober.

My mess became my message.

Now I just show up and tell my story. A message of hope. If I can do this life without alcohol, so can you. That’s the message. God did for me what I could not do for myself. I realized that being an alcoholic and now being in recovery gave me a new purpose—

To help others like myself.

I had to be an alcoholic to be able to help another one like myself —Takes one to know one. I was in a unique position now, to help others just by my experience. My credibility skyrocketed when, with God’s help, I was able to step out of that mess and into the message I was to carry. To show others that they could do what I had done. Get sober and stay sober—with community and with God. That there was another way out of the addiction cycle. I began to understand that God could use a broken thing like me.

Broken people break things.

Hurt people, hurt people.

Healed people heal people.

That’s what we do now that we are in the process of healing...we help others on their healing path. In this way, we continue to heal ourselves and show others the way.

What a concept.

Service.

Giving away what was so freely given to us.

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.” – Galatians 5:13

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DAILY REPRIEVE

It’s the new year. 

Ever since I got sober, I have not made resolutions for the new year. 

Why?

Because my sobriety is a daily resolution—a decision—to stay sober and practice all the things that keep me there. I have to choose daily to keep on this path. I have a “do over” every day! I get to review what was not working on the previous day and course-correct for this day.

My husband makes me a little number that I carry in my pocket each day, representing the number of days of sobriety I have. It reminds me to be grateful for this day and to not rest on my laurels, thinking of the years that it represents. He has done this for me since the very first day I got sober. I keep each one and they have now taken over my jewelry drawer. Gems I carry each day. Today is 7,844 days of continuous sobriety—by God’s grace and by my choosing every day to show up for one more day of sobriety.

My recovery plan for each day:

1)  I go to meetings. For me, that is 4 meetings a week. This is where I affirm my membership in my tribe. A tribe that is on the same path as me. It’s kind of like a gym membership, where everyone is trying to stay fit together, you know? We gather and talk with each other and stay mentally and spiritually fit. By sharing what we are struggling with today. In doing that, two things happen: One, by saying it out loud, it takes the power out of the thing I was carrying in my head. And, Two, it may help another person acknowledge the same thing and be helped in the process too.

2)  I pray and turn my life over to God. In doing this, I acknowledge that I am not doing this recovery thing on my own power. I know that God is doing for me what I could not do for myself. I start every day with the Third Step Prayer: “God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Amen.”

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, the phrase “What we have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition.” means that in our recovery, we can remain sober one-day-at-a-time by nurturing our spiritual well-being. 

3)  I connect with my sponsor and women that I sponsor to see how I can be of service today. Meeting with someone to walk through their steps with them.

4)  I write in my journal about the step that I am on today. Usually, it is the step of the month of the Twelve Steps. January is Step One: “Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable.”

Sounds like New Year’s Resolutions, don’t they?

These are the practices we are taught to incorporate in our daily program. I am praying that this is the year that you choose to live a sober life. It is so worth it. I hear people in our recovery program say how grateful they are for the 12-Steps and this process. They wish that everyone could have these tools to practice in their daily lives.

I do too.

And—you can have them.

Join us and then get ready for miracles.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”

Psalms 90:12

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BELONGING TO FAMILY

Family is everything.

At Christmas, we usually reconnect with family.

Who is our family? 

To some of us, our family of origin may have been a bit confusing. Sometimes in family, in our daily world, we experience fear, born out of relationship interactions with each other—clouded by the temptations of this world. We learn that we are not safe. In the fear, we turn to other things that can fill that hole of loneliness and darkness that only the world can show us. Drugs, alcohol, whatever may soothe us and help us feel ok and a “part of” again. That feeling where alcohol or drugs take us is not real. It is temporary and not sustainable. It always wears off. Goes away. 

What IS sustainable?

Spiritual Relationship.

It starts vertically, with surrender to God. God loves us so much that he wants to connect with us, again—or for the first time. God is there waiting. When that relationship starts with the Father, then we can go out horizontally to others in “the family”—our brothers and sisters in our immediate family and then others in our extended family—all others we meet along our path.

God’s light in our life is real. We can shine that light for others and show them the way to live in Peace—together.

Romans 8:15 it states: 

“ The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.” 

This passage suggests that all believers are adopted into God’s family through faith in Jesus Christ! 

It’s more than just words—it’s an invitation to belong.

Reach out to another today.

Shine your light.

Show them that they belong.

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God—not by works, so that no one can boast.”

Ephesians 2:8-9

A.A. IS FOR QUITTERS

Well, of course it is.

I heard someone who is a big drinker say that so-and-so stopped drinking and is now going to AA meetings. He laughed, then said, “As I always say, AA is for quitters.”

He really meant it as a put-down for people who can’t handle their drinking (like he can), so they have to stop. It also screams loudly of his own denial that he can’t quit, so he has to brag that it’s a virtue to be able to keep drinking.

In sports, a “quitter” is a wimp. In the realm of recovery, a “quitter” is the star.

Drinking, getting drunk, and finding others to endorse that behavior is easy. Quitting a destructive lifestyle and having the guts to tell others about it is the tougher road.

Quitting drinking to have a better life is not for wimps. I applaud those with the strength to quit that lifestyle and live in healthy purpose.

I pray for those who are not ready to quit.

I’m holding a seat for you in the meeting.

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 4:22-24

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ONE AMONG MANY

I spent many years trying to succeed and be the best at everything. It was all about performance and “standing out.” There was so much pressure in that. The greatest judge of whether I was succeeding or not was me. It was too much work, exhausting and unfulfilling. I found my drinking escalating to help me cope with that high bar I had placed on myself. 

When I hit my bottom of drinking, I could not hold all of that together anymore by myself. When I found recovery meetings, they told me when I was broken and lost to “stay at the center of the herd” Just as in the animal kingdom, many packs hide their young at the center of the herd for them to not to be picked off by predators while standing on the perimeter. One among many.

I also found that I could not just stand on the perimeter of this program of recovery, one foot in and one foot out—I had to jump in with both feet. In the Big Book of AA, it says, “Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon...No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

Until I understood that the others in recovery were there showing me how to do this life sober, I had to stay in the middle of the herd and learn under their protection. I had to stop thinking I knew how to do this on my own through progress, not perfection. In the chapter on “How It Works” of the Big Book of AA it says, "First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom."

The longer we stay together in the meetings, learn, and trust God, we get stronger and become able to stand strong for the others in the group who are still suffering. I became one among many which was a comforting place to be for me alongside my fellows in sobriety. No standing out. No pressure of being the best at this. Once I figured out that it wasn’t all about me anymore, I could finally get out of my own way and be of service to God and to others within the group. Everyone brings different gifts to the table.

We can’t do this alone. I love surrounding those who need to stay in the middle of the herd while they are in their suffering. I don’t need to stand out any longer. I understand and love being One Among Many.

Grateful to know there is a way out.

Grateful to be able to show the way.

Grateful to be of service in this way.

“There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.”

1 Corinthians 12:4-6

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HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT

When I was in the last of my drinking days, I thought I was pretty good at hiding how much I was drinking.

Apparently not.

This cartoon reminds me of a conversation I had with my husband in the days leading up to my bottom. We were both trying to lose weight. It was the holidays and close to the new year of 2004. He was resolving to eat less sweets and soda. I was resolving to drink less beer, which included putting gin in my beer to get me drunk faster and consume less calories while doing so.

Sounds like a great plan, eh?

So, I asked him one day, “How is that chocolate chip cookie and coke diet working for you?” To which he replied, “Great. How is that beer and gin diet working for you?”

Busted.

I was mortified that he knew. I had no idea he knew how I was staying drunk on less beer. Hiding. I was obviously not hiding it from him. Of course, that didn’t make me practice this behavior less. I just chose to ignore it—until soon after that, I stopped the beer altogether and started drinking straight gin. Gin in my water bottle.

Hiding in plain sight.

My addiction sped up. It turned out to be a good thing because it took me to my bottom faster. When I finally decided to stop, my body wouldn’t let me. Cold turkey was not an option for this body. After almost seizing and dying in the hospital, I woke up and realized why people go to detox. I had no idea my body had become that addicted and needed the straight alcohol at that point.

Everybody is different with regard to levels of alcohol and stopping—withdrawal. What isn’t different is that help is needed to stay stopped. If I could have stopped on my own before that point, I would have. I needed to completely surrender to God and then reach out for help from others in the form of meetings and finding a sponsor.

You can do this, I know.

If I did it, you can do it.

I’m here to help.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

1 John 1:9

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SAILING SOBER

In 2008, my husband and I went on a 20 day cruise through the Panama Canal. I was 4 years sober. If you have ever been on a cruise, you know it is open bar 24/7. I was prepared for sailing sober. It was very exciting because we went with two other couples that we loved. 

Every minute of every day was filled with some activity. We are history lovers, so this was a huge learning trip about the Panama Canal. Every morning I would run around the top deck with many others staying in shape for all of the eating available on board. Then the activity of the day in port.

And then there was Happy Hour. 

I knew from friends here at home that there was an AA meeting on the ship, so I looked on the schedule. Sure enough, there it was at 5pm “Friends of Bill” (for Bill W. Founder of AA) So, as our friends and my husband headed off to Happy Hour upstairs, I headed off to my meeting. Dressed in finery for dinner later.

I loved this meeting. I looked forward to it every day at Happy Hour. So many beautiful people from around the world with various lengths of sobriety. Friends I would keep and stay in touch with by email for years after. 

One meeting in particular I will never forget. At this meeting one of their readings was the 11th Step Prayer (The Prayer of St. Francis) and the secretary asked for a volunteer to read it. An older gentleman piped up and said he would. His wife grabbed the sheet for him and held it in her lap. He began reciting it aloud without looking on the paper, just from memory. 

Later I would find out that he was blind, had cancer, was on hospice and this was their last trip for him. It was such a profound moment hearing him recite this prayer from memory with such conviction and joy. I cannot hear it now without tearing up and thinking of him, 18 years later.

The Eleventh Step Prayer

“Lord make me an instrument of your peace

Where there is hatred let me sow love

Where there is injury, pardon

Where there is doubt, faith

Where there is despair, hope

Where there is darkness, light

And where there is sadness, joy

O divine master grant that I may

not so much seek to be consoled as to console

to be understood as to understand

To be loved as to love

For it is in giving that we receive

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life

Amen.”

Grateful for one more day of sobriety (7800 days in a row)

Praying today for your peace.

“Do not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Romans 12:2

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PAYING ATTENTION

This joke makes me laugh, mainly because it is so true. Maybe you have heard it.

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A storm descends on a small town, and the downpour soon turns into a flood. As the waters rise, the local preacher kneels in prayer on the church porch, surrounded by water. “Better get in, Preacher. The waters are rising fast.”

“No,” says the preacher. “I have faith in the Lord. He will save me.”

Waters rise and the preacher is up on the balcony, another person calls to him in a motorboat. “Come on, Preacher. We need to get you out of here. The levee is gonna break any minute.”

Once again, the preacher says, “I shall remain. The Lord will see me through.”

Flood waters rise over the church until only the steeple remains above water. Preacher standing on roof and a helicopter descends. A state trooper calls down to him through a megaphone.

“Grab the ladder, Preacher. This is your last chance.”

Once again, the preacher insists the Lord will deliver him.

And, predictably, he drowns.

Preacher goes to heaven and he asks the Almighty, “Lord, I had unwavering faith in you. Why didn’t you deliver me from that flood?”

God shakes his head. “What did you want from me? I sent you two boats and a helicopter.”

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I love this joke because it accentuates that the person has faith, but does not choose to take the action and partner with God to save himself. This is how it works with addiction at our bottoms.

We have to first admit we are powerless over alcohol and drugs and that our lives have become unmanageable. 

Then when help comes in the form of others who are there for us when we become ready for change— we then ask for help, and then to surrender to God for help. God can work through others in our lives, but only if we are ready to hear or see that help right in front of us.

When we take the action of admitting, then asking for help, then surrendering to the process—that is when the magic of recovery happens. 

Sometimes, as in the last part of this joke, even a megaphone does not work to get our attention. We have to choose to pay attention. Until we do, we continue in the chaos until our ultimate bottom.

If you think you are close, open your eyes and heart to what is actually true. Then reach out for help—first to God, then to others to guide you on this new path of recovery.

We are in the boat waiting for you to get in and join us.

You are not alone.

We will be with you along the way.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

2 Timothy 1:7

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MAKING A DIFFERENCE

I heard this story a long time ago. It made a difference to me in how I framed my service in the recovery community.

If I focus on all of the problems and suffering in the world on a large scale, I can get into overwhelm. How can I help “fix” this big problem? I can’t. It’s too big. So I give up.

This story helped me reframe how I looked at helping others:

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One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean. Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?” The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.” 

The man said, “Son, don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish? You can’t make a difference!”

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said, "I made a difference for that one.”

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When I got sober, I wanted to graduate from this group of recovering people and “be normal” again. Ha ha. This WAS normal now for me. I didn’t want to be an alcoholic, I wanted to go change the world and make a BIG difference—God spoke to me and said, “This is right where I need you to be to make a difference for ME.”

So I answered the call. Starting with me. Right here. Get sober. Stay sober. Show others the way. Take the 12-steps. Help my fellow alcoholics still struggling to engage with a new community of people all trying to do the same thing. Teach them to pray and to talk with God.

As the 12th step states, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to those who still suffer and practice these principles in all of our affairs.” 

Making a difference for one person. One-day-at-a-time, one-moment-at-a-time, helping one-person-at-a-time…Today. Then tomorrow and the next. Until I get to see how they turn around and help another. I am blessed to be able to watch transformation in people just like it happened to me. 

What a gift.

Know the way.

Go the way.

Show the way.

“Show me your ways, Lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long.”

Psalm 25:4-5 

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OUT OF THE FOG

When I stopped drinking, the fog cleared and I peeked through to what was real again—glimpsing truth, and not the story I had made up. When I am out of denial, I can remain above the emotional weather. 

The alcohol that I thought was helping me cope, was just fogging my vision of the truth—keeping me in the fog. It was taking me further into darkness. I heard a woman say in a meeting yesterday, “I can truly say that there is no spirituality without physical sobriety.” 

Once I surrendered the obsessive drinking part to God. He took it. That was the physical part of my sobriety. By choice, I turned to God to help me solve this physical addiction. That choice opened the door to a personal relationship with God— a partnership. 

Once the physical drinking was gone, there was still my thinking. A friend of mine always says, “It’s not the drinking, it’s the thinking.” The alcohol was not an option anymore to blur my thinking. My brain was clear, but my thinking was not. My mind can still play tricks on me in the form of denial. I don’t want to stop thinking. But, my best thinking got me in trouble in the first place. At times, OVER-thinking! That’s where the spiritual part of my sobriety starts. 

I have to partner my thinking with God’s will. I get to pray and ask for God’s help—then surrender to His will—for God to guide and direct my thinking and for His will to be revealed. I pause to consider the circumstances surrounding my decision. God often works through the situations I find myself in. He speaks to me through the people in my life.

How do I shift from my will into God’s will? I try to pay attention to the feelings or prompts I receive. The Holy Spirit guides me out of the dark toward the light and then the  right choice. Then I have to trust God for the outcome.

How do I do trust?

With faith. The illusion in this life is that I have control of the outcome. I do not. First, I pray every morning to get out of God’s way with prayer—relieve me of the bondage of self, that I might better do your will.

G.K. Chesterton said this, “God is like the sun; you cannot look at it, but without it you cannot look at anything else.”  

Whew, Yes!  I want to look at the world of choices I have through the God Lens. That is Trust. I already KNOW what MY will is—I have to have faith and trust that God will show me how to walk in His Will. 

Trust God with the details. Then pay attention.

Pray. 

Listen. 

Trust.

God’s will, not mine be done.

"Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground.”

Psalm 143:10

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S.L.I.P.

I hear people say when they pick up a drink again, “I had a little SLIP.”

You mean a relapse? A slip implies that drinking again was somehow an accident—that I had nothing to do with it.

No.

Sobriety Losing Its Priority!

The relapse begins long before I take that drink again. If I am not vigilant about my sobriety daily and don’t make that my number one priority, I can start thinking old thoughts, repeating old behaviors, and then, I am right back where I was while drinking. Alcohol becomes a solution again. Relapse becomes a possibility. I start making excuses for my behavior.

Drinking is not an option for me anymore. Period. Now I ask myself, “What am I doing for my sobriety today?”

Then, I pray and ask God to relieve me of the bondage of self to get out of my own head and that thought of, “I got this.”— Next, I help somebody in need or serve in some way. Sometimes that is just going to a meeting and sitting in the seat to be there for others—even if I don’t want to.

Retrain your brain.

Be transformed by behaving differently.

Try it. It works.

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Psalm 139:23-24

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NEVER TOO OLD

You are never too old to get sober.

The “age thing” is kicking my butt. And—I know it’s because I am “letting” it. Not physically, but mentally framing it in my mind—Feeling old, not needed, not relevant anymore, old ideas, people have moved on, not making a difference…

I know this is not true. It’s all in my head. 

I can FLIP these around in my brain in an instant from victim-mentality to productive and encouraging thoughts:

Feeling old—Feelings are not facts.

Not relevant—Making a difference

Old ideas —Wisdom of experience

I am not always able to do this brain flip for myself. A while back, this colleague heard me speak in a business meeting about how I was working with others to create a youth recovery meeting. Hard task on many levels. I said, “The kids don’t want old people like me in the room, they want their own age group.”

He encouraged me right away by saying his experience. His son was telling him how he valued the older generation’s wisdom and how his son sought it out. Then, this week, that same friend sent an encouraging email to me. These were the words that jumped out at me:

"I often think about our brief conversation about youth and who they are looking to spend time with. I want to encourage you to keep going and invest in the younger generation. You have so much to offer, and your love and experiences are what they need. No age disqualifies us. We only disqualify ourselves when we believe we are no longer relevant in the eyes of others.”

This hit me that it is so much like my sobriety meetings. We are not disqualified. We get to make a difference in our meetings just showing up for the new person getting sober, no matter the age. Show them the way and encourage them that sobriety can indeed be achieved.

As others have done before me.

I didn’t get sober until I was 50 years old, and I now have 7,767 days of sobriety—over 21 years. My life since getting sober has been about God using me to lead and show the way for others trying to get sober, making a difference and sharing the wisdom of experience.

You can do this too. Come alongside another struggling alcoholic and show them it can be done— together.

I love this little 3-sentence thought:

Know the way.

Go the way.

Show the way.

“He guides the humble in what is right and teaches them His way.”

Psalm 25:9

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SPIRITUAL FITNESS

What is spiritual fitness?

It’s like physical fitness, which requires a work out, only with your mind!  

And, I’m not talking about over-thinking or Thinking our way out of a situation—neither of those. It does require our minds to change our mindset and perspective.

The other day, I heard a friend talk about feeling spiritually homeless— I am sure we have all felt that way at some point. Alcohol only enhances this feeling, or state of being. We are born with that natural feeling of needing something outside of ourselves to complete ourselves, spiritually, mentally and physically. As if we are missing something—That is the feeling of spiritual homelessness. 

I searched for a spiritual home here in the physical world through alcohol. The world could not complete me or validate me. I held on for a long while, but was still missing something. Eventually, it was not enough. I knew God before I got sober, but wasn’t talking to God and exercising that relationship muscle. I could not stop drinking and get sober on my own. Well, if I could have gotten sober on my own, I would have. But, I needed more. 

I was far from home. I needed a spiritual fitness. A friend the other day talked about learning of God growing up in church and then, falling away as a young adult. But there is a homing instinct aspect of spirituality, that once we get the addiction out of the way (the physical) we have access to our own spirituality once again and we instinctively know where to return for that feeling of HOME.

That home for me is God.

This is not a one-time deal. It takes active participation. Daily. Ongoing.

"What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities.” Page 85 of The Big Book of AA

In the scripture at the bottom, it talks about being alert and sober-minded. The enemy (alcohol) is doing push ups behind the scenes ready to pounce in the form of relapse. What are you doing today for your spiritual fitness? Metaphorically speaking, what kind of mental push ups are you doing for your sober maintenance?

Daily Mental Push-ups:

Gratitude list—Keeps me in solution and not the problem

Prayers—Keeps me in the action step of surrendering to God.

Going to a meeting— keeps in active listening to others and out of my own head

Service— Helping somebody else, strengthens my “selflessness” muscle.

What are you doing today for your spiritual fitness?

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

1 Peter 5:8

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EGO

Edging God Out

The ego is the part of you that is engaged in self-justification. Ego refers to a person's sense of self-importance or self-worth, often reflecting how we view ourselves in relation to others.

Self-contained. Self-propelled. Self-focused. Self-willed.

Me

I.

Who is that?

God reveals himself in the Bible as The Great I AM. He created us in His image to be the reflection of Himself. We are image-bearers and have the imprint of God in us.

I can never be complete until I reconnect with God. The one who stands alone in their own ego, is doomed to destruction. My ego is all about myself and my life—until I engage with God. When I do connect with God, I can become the reflection of God that I was meant to be—the image-bearer of Him. 

Then I can do His Will and serve others outside of myself. I can get out of God’s way and my own (ego) to serve others. If I stay absorbed in self, I am in my own “open-air prison.”  Until I took the alcohol, that was my separation from God, out of the equation, I was not able to step out of my own prison and ask God to help me.

When I asked for God’s help, He took the obsession for alcohol away. Staying sober now is achievable daily only with God’s help. Until I did this, I did not have complete access to the greatest power source of all. My sobriety is based upon my spiritual condition. Now, with that power, I can walk humbly with him, out of myself and be able to reach out and serve others.

I am free of me.

You can be too!

Surrender.

"He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.” 

Micah 6:8

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REAR VIEW

Looking back in the rearview mirror is a good thing.

From the Promises of AA: “…we will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it…”

A woman was sharing her story in one of my regular women’s meetings. She was talking about her continuous relapse and how her husband was so exhausted by her many attempts at staying sober. She told us how after she had finally gotten sober, her husband shared with her of when he dropped her off at an AA meeting…

He watched her walk in while sitting in his car in the parking lot as she was tried to find where the meeting was. He stayed and watched from the car as a fellow member was outside the room and reached out a hand to her. She put her arm around her to guide her into the meeting as she hung her head and cried at arriving “home.” Her husband shared with her later how he felt watching that, “God was doing for you what you could not do for yourself.”

I love that story. It reminded me of my own early sobriety, when my husband was there for me helping me to find this meeting 7,746 days ago—21 years—where I was sitting hearing this story! Wow. Good rear view mirror story!

I have said many times, “If I could have gotten sober on my own, I would have!” It wasn’t until I completely surrendered my will to God and asked for help, that He relieved me of my obsession to drink. When I stopped drinking and started to live my recovery, I started to see the miracles unfold in my life. One very happy miracle was this story…

When I was one year sober, my stepson and daughter-in-law needed us to babysit our oldest grandson, who was 4-years-old at the time. It required me to drive from Aptos to Los Gatos to go pick him up and then drive back alone with him in my car. This called for a lot of trust on the part of our kids. I could not be trusted with this task one year prior, when I was drinking.

Watching my daughter-in-law install the car seat in my car and strap him in, I was overwhelmed with gratitude for them both trusting me with this precious cargo—their son. I hugged my daughter-in-law and thanked her for her trusting me to watch over her son and stay sober!

On the drive home, Ryan and I were talking. I could see him in the rear view mirror in the back seat while I was driving. I was overwhelmed at what was transpiring and began to quietly cry. He saw me crying and asked, “Gramma Heidi, why are you crying?” I told him that I was crying happy tears at having him with me in the car and being with him for the weekend.

My tears of gratitude were for the miracle of my sobriety being the reason I was in this situation. God doing for me what I could not do for myself.

Looking in my rear view mirror of my past, I got to see today, 20 years later!

My 24-year-old grandson has never seen me drink.

I am sober.

I am grateful.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.”

James 1:2-4

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BE A CLOUD

In conflict—Fight or flight?

There is something in between fight or flight. A lesson I learned from my brother before I got sober. It has surfaced in my memory as a tool I use now in sobriety—Stay and be a cloud.

I have always had a hard time with conflict of any kind. Avoidance was my plan of action. In my drinking days, I would either push back, blow up the conflict and drink more—making it worse for me and for others—or just run and drink more, turning it into resentment. The trick I learned has to do with “Reacting or responding”

My brother said to me, “Heidi, be a cloud.”

What?

When someone comes at you with unwanted conflict (the storm), you can push back and react—This is how to instantly engage in the conflict. If you just listen, and don’t push back, there is no place for the aggression to land, diffusing it a bit. You can receive it and let it go and not react. When the other person realizes that you are not going to engage, the aggression blows by you like you are a cloud—you don’t have to run.

This does a few things: It diffuses the aggression and possibly makes the other person realize it is not yours to deal with, giving them a chance to own it. It gives you a minute to think of a grace-filled response—not react or engage.

I use this a lot to figure out if this conflict is mine to carry or if I can let it go, not engage and pray for that person. There is always more behind any interaction.

When I was drinking, the chaos that ensued when I engaged with that person was the cause of a lot of anxiety for me and others around me. When I took the alcohol out of the picture, I could think clearly and then know I had a choice.

After working the 12 Steps, I understood that I always have a part in whatever interaction I have. I don’t get to blame others for how it turns out for me. Now, I have tools to deal with others’ anger and my own anger, as well.

If I am the one perpetrating the aggression, I get to own it, apologize for it and restart that conversation— Step 10!

In every interaction I get to ask myself two questions in responding:

1 — What is my motivation?

2 — What are my expectations?

The answers to those two questions helps me decide how I will go forward—or not.

Try being a cloud. It works for me.

“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”

James 1:19

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PAUSE

Pause. Breathe. Pray

I heard this acronym the other day…

P.A.U.S.E.

Postpone Action Until Serenity Emerges

In those moments, if I do this, I can assess my next move. My first thought out of anger is not the right one. It is usually a “knee-jerk reaction” and not a “thoughtful response” 

One of the biggest tricks I learned when I got sober was to press the pause button. This works for most of my destructive thoughts, actions, and behaviors, not just drinking. My brain wants to do whatever it thinks, right now—which gets me in trouble in most cases. 

When I am busy reacting and acting out of self-defense, I usually choose the wrong path. When something comes to mind, it’s not always prudent to act on it. When my behaviors are negatively impacting my day, it’s time to regroup and choose a new way.

I need to stop handing my power over to people who can’t carry it anyway. Moving forward each moment and not carrying my past with me. My past has no vote in this. Growth is not an easy path, but neither is staying stuck. Growth is the only one that gets me free. I don’t escape the past by pretending it didn’t happen. It truly shaped me and where I am now—And, I don’t have to let it define me. That pain of the past is not my identity. 

I can let that all go into God’s hands and I am free to walk a new way in each moment that presents itself. My reactions are from past hurts and experiences.

Now, my responses are healthier if I pause and breathe—then, pray for God to guide and direct my thinking, then wait patiently for clearer thinking on the next right thing to do. 

It works. Try it.

• Pause.

• Breathe.

• Pray.

Then, do the next right thing.

“The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.”

Lamentations 3:25

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