MY HEART SEES

Sometimes when I am feeling insecure and feel like I am doing this life on my own power, I stop and think, “Where did we ever get the idea that there is a God? We have never really seen him. Did we make Him up so we could ‘feel better’ about our human frailties?”

No.

That is when I am full of doubt and out of faith. The only road back is through my heart. My mind deceives me by thinking small.

In the 1600’s, French Mathematician, Blaise Pascal, wrote many great statements on God. I love that a mathematician concerned with ones and zeros and facts, thought deeply about God. Two of my favorite quotes from him are below.

“There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of each man which cannot be satisfied by any created thing, but only by God the Creator.” – Blaise Pascal

“We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.
God is, or God is not. Reason cannot decide between the two alternatives.” – Blaise Pascal

When I let go of reason, and into the feelings of my heart and my reactions to nature with all of its awesome beauty, I can’t help but know that,

“My heart can see God better than my eyes can.”

That’s when I am sure beyond any doubt, that God is there and always will be, if I seek him. He’s just waiting for us to ask Him to show us the way.

God could, and would, if he were sought.

Trust. Have faith. Seek.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.”
Matthew 7:7-8

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HUMILITY

At the end of my drinking I suffered humiliation. I had embarrassment for things I had done and who I had become. I was hopeless.

I found out that humility is not the same as humiliation.

Humility: Low estimate of one’s importance.

Humiliation: Feeling shame or injury to one’s dignity or self-respect.

Big difference.

I can have humility and not suffer humiliation.

Being humiliated, I am stuck in victim mode, jealousy, resentment and fear. You don’t even exist for me in that state. It’s all about me.

My ego becomes right-sized by being humble. I can look at others with respect and rejoice in their victories because mine are not threatened. I set aside my own ego and self-thought to make other’s needs important to me.

Today, humility is something I long for and intentionally practice.

It serves me well when I am serving.

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”
Matthew 23:12

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FREE BEER TOMORROW—STILL

Our wonderful friends Dan and Megan are so generous to let us use their cabin in Twain Harte several times a year. We are so grateful to them for sharing with us their little slice of “Heaven on Earth.”

A few weeks ago, my husband and I visited The Rock, a bar and burger place where we love to eat in Twain Harte, The home of the sign that was the inspiration for the name of my first book,
“FREE BEER TOMORROW.”

We sat there waiting for our dinner at 4:30 pm and looked over at the bar. All seats were filled and people already drinking. I was glad that I was not drinking at 4:30, which I had done in my drinking days, and, in fact, starting before that hour on many days! Actually, they were claiming their seats for the Warrior playoff game that would be on TV there at 6 pm. Good excuse to start drinking early, right?

We were there for the same reason. Except for the drinking part. Having an early dinner so we could get back to the cabin for the start of the game at 6 pm. No DVR, so we needed to get back and watch it live.

As we sat there, I thought about the fact that I had lived so many wonderful sober days since seeing that sign—5072 days to be exact. One day at a time. My husband, who has made me a little paper number I carry each day in my pocket for all of those days, commented on the sign,  

“Well, it looks like the beer continues to be free. But not until tomorrow—still.”

In a little over a month, I will have 14 years of sobriety.

But I am counting the days and not the years—still.

Because my sobriety is a choice I make each day.

Every day. Today.

If I can do this, so can you.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
Psalm 90:12

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A SOBERING FAREWELL

As the finch eggs hatch in the nest on our deck, I am reminded of the cycle of life. All feathers and flopping and chirping—while my own dear sister is passing from this life to the next as I write this.

Very sobering.

In my sober life now, death will not cause me to stumble and drink. I want to feel the sadness of your loss and not check out.

Remember you. Honor you. Fully aware.

A letter to you, Holly.

Dear Sister of Mine,

I don’t remember you not being there in my life.

I am so sad at your leaving so young and so abruptly, but I rejoice in our both knowing where you are going. We spoke many times about the joy and hope we felt knowing we would see Jesus one day. You are probably with him now. It helps me to know that as I write this to you in your transitioning.

You were my “fren”— a term we used with only each other. Being only 14 months apart, we played well together as kids. Well—you told me what to do and I obeyed—being the younger one and always looking up to your leading! We used to say, “Wanna play ‘fren’?” —that was the name of the game—which meant we would set up homes in our rooms and start playing house as friends. I would come visit you at your house and you would come to mine. We both had babies. You cradled yours like the doll’s life depended on it, and I dragged mine around by the hair without a care. We played that game for hours. I am there now with you with tears in my eyes and the fondest remembrance.

Later in life, you became the mother I always wanted to be, but never got to be. You were a great mother and allowed me to, what you called, “kid share” your children, my niece and two nephews. It taught me mothering skills I got to use later when I met Dick and got to become a Gramma to Alex and Christine’s boys—my three cherished grandsons. You taught me how. I knew not to drag them around by the hair.

You and I shared the love of our furry dog-children like nobody else we knew. A fierce love because of their unconditional and devoted love for us that knew no boundaries. We went through losses of our various dogs together, and there were many. Your comforting words were like no other person’s.

In the last few years, you have known more loss than most. Losing our own mother, your only daughter and two of your doggies within one year. We took each other through that, you and I.

I am forever grateful for your love and what we shared in this life—joy and sorrow—together.

Fly away, dear “fren.”

I know I will see you again one day.

Love, Heidi

“Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die.”
John 11:25

ACCEPTANCE

Just as the waves consistently roll in without my help, life happens without my having a say it. I can’t change some things that bother me. Things keep happening without my influence. That's where the serenity prayer helps.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

The wisdom to know the difference. That is huge.

I have also had a problem with the word “acceptance” and that has to do with my thinking that acceptance is this: me thinking I have to accept what you believe.

No.

Acceptance is when I stop resisting that you may think differently than me.
There is a line in a prayer I know that always gets to me, that defines acceptance:

“Taking this world as it is, not as I would have it.”

When I hear those words, I feel calmed. I don’t have to like it or even participate in whatever it is. I just have to take things as they are and I still get to believe what I believe is the truth.

Wow!

I like how God set that up. It’s just wrapping my brain around it that becomes the problem!

What we resist, persists.

Until we cease fighting everyone and everything, what we resist continues to persist. When we allow this world to be as it is, we can let go of trying to fix that person or thing and focus on our own path of healing.

“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.”
Psalm 19:14

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TRUDGING

I always thought the word “trudging” was a sullen and depressing word.

A Dirge. Plodding hopelessly. A depressing journey. Like it was when I was drinking and couldn’t stop. Until I heard a sober girlfriend give it new meaning for me.

In our literature there is a phrase “We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.”

Trudge and Happy don’t seem to belong in the same sentence, right? My friend who gave it new
meaning described trudging as a steady cadence. That is what sobriety is. Each day. The steady cadence of not drinking, showing up for life, putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward on—wait for it...

The Road of Happy Destiny.

My sponsor points out that it is not the road TO happy destiny, but OF happy destiny.

It is the journey.

Now. Today. Together.

The photo featured today was sent to me by another friend in sobriety. This guy has been trudging this journey for over 2 years now. It is a well-worn path that we are trudging together. Happily, he presented this photo to me for proof that he carries his sobriety in his pocket and wears it each day.

The photo represents the steady cadence of a sober life, well-lived.

“I was worn out. I lay exhausted for several days. Then I got up and went about the king’s business.”

Daniel 8:27

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EPIPHANY

I had a dilemma.

I could not stop drinking.

I had to figure out how I was going to live this life without alcohol. I was having a power outage, not knowing that I had made alcohol my higher power—my solution. When alcohol discontinued its usefulness, I had to replace that solution. It obviously wasn’t working for me anymore.

"God, please help me.” Those words saved my life.

There is no power like that of surrender. Surrender was my epiphany (God made manifest.)

Surrender is not giving up, but putting the focus and trust on something greater than us. When we do that, we actually have access to the greatest source of power in the universe.

God did for me what I could not do for myself.

I realized in my epiphany of surrender, God turned my dilemma into an opportunity—a good chance for advancement or progress!

God had relieved me of the bondage of myself and the obsession to drink. I didn’t have to drink anymore.

If I can do it, so can you. Ask for help—from others and from God.

Try it. It works.

“Since what may be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them.”

Romans 1:19

_______________________
DICTIONARY DEFINITIONS:

Dilemma: a difficult or persistent problem involving a difficult choice

Solution: an action or process of solving a problem or a bringing or coming to an end or into a state of discontinuity

Surrender: to give (oneself) over to something (such as an influence)
    [original Etymology of Surrender is “to give back”]

Epiphany:  an appearance or manifestation especially of a divine being (God made manifest) or an intuitive grasp of reality through something (such as an event) usually simple and striking

Manifest: easily understood or recognized by the mind : obvious

Opportunity: a good chance for advancement or progress
_______________________

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SWEET SMELL OF COMFORT

When we picked up our Golden Retriever/Dalmatian mix puppy, Diamond, at 12-weeks-old, I kissed her on the side of her cheek and caught a sweet smell of plumeria flower! I was surprised and thought she may have just eaten something in the garden. I later learned that it was a smell that would stay with her for life. As if God had put that sweet finishing touch on her as a "party bonus" just for me.

The strong smell of plumeria blossom is still there almost sixteen years later, just above her top lip in the corner of her cheek. Having owned quite a few dogs over the years, I have never had this experience with another dog. But it’s not just the aroma that I love; it’s everything that I associate with it: contentment, memories, love, trust and safety.

It is so calming and reminds me of being a little girl and hugging my mom and drinking in the smell of her cologne and feeling safe. Diamond comes to me when she is frightened by the loud wind or pounding rain on the skylights. I love to hold her and tell her it’ll be ok, all the while she’s comforting me with her fragrance, as I stroke her.

This is the same feeling I get when hugging a struggling alcoholic when they first come into a meeting. The richness and rush of being of service while comforting them, at the same time being comforted myself by them safely arriving in recovery.

The “Who’s helping who?” of how it works, right?

And, that sweet smell of comfort.

“Therefore comfort each other and edify one another, just as you also are doing.”
1 Thessalonians 5:11

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CONFESS, COMMUNICATE, COMPLY

There’s only one person flying the plane—or so it seems.

By all accounts, piloting a plane seems like a solo activity, only one person at the controls. Same can be said for our individual lives. We have to live our lives under our own control, independent of choices and actions by other people around us.

But behind the scenes, it takes support entities in many jobs keeping that plane in the air; mechanics keeping the aircraft in working condition, technicians fueling the plane, air traffic controllers, the control tower itself at airports on each end of trip, weather or flight conditions, etc.

The acknowledgement of all of these factors can be the difference between life and
death at a certain point.

My husband used to own a small aircraft and learned a very important code for when
you think you are lost in your plane, called, 3 Cs: Lost Aircraft Procedures:
Confess, Communicate, Comply.
    
Confess: Admit that you are lost and need some form of assistance    
Communicate: Request assistance on the area working frequency
Comply: Follow advice of air traffic controller

Sound familiar? I was amazed at how similar these three distress action steps aligned with the first three of our 12-step program:

Step One: Admit we are powerless and our lives had become unmanageable.
Step Two: Came to believe a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Step Three: Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

As we are lost or spiraling down as alcoholics, we have to admit there is a problem and that we need assistance, then believe that someone CAN assist us, then make that affirmative action step to reach out and let the assistance come—turning it over and taking direction.

When we rely on our own power as addicts, we don’t realize all of the community and
resources that are there to assist—that were there all along! We just hadn’t acknowledged them. Recovery is a process that cannot be done alone.

We need others to assist us, community to help maintain us, and God to fuel us throughout our flight, allowing us to soar to new heights!

James 5:16
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

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JUDGMENT

I am amazed at how many judgments I can have about others in a very short period of time. I notice that I judge more when I am upset with myself. Turning my anger inward at myself and then outward toward others for blame.

Sometimes I am just annoyed at a person sharing the same thing over and over—no tolerance—shouldn’t they be well by now? Ha!—when I am really making that judgment of myself!

The Bible tells us not to judge—not because we should not judge, but because we cannot judge—we don’t know all the facts. There is only one who has that knowledge.

God.

When I judge somebody, I focus on a single moment from one particular angle. At a different moment, I may see a totally different side of that person. God sees the whole picture. I don’t.

We are also taught to not quit before the miracle. This includes while watching others grow, too. I don’t want to quit forgiving and cutting them slack before I get to witness the miracle happen in their lives!

Things exist. Situations happen. It is my perception that is askew. Adding my judgment separates me. As I see my part in anything, it becomes clearer what I need to do or how I need to change my thinking. I notice when I am peaceful and centered spiritually, I don’t judge or if I do, I can correct myself quickly and give them over to God and pray for them.

I need to take this world as it is, not as I would have it. Seeing it as it is unites me with life.

When I behold life through the eyes of love, I will find the beauty of God everywhere. I choose to see the world and life through God’s vision today. I want to ask God for more room to grant others the grace that I received.

Today I focus on loving and let all else go.

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

Luke 6:37

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GOD ACRONYMS

So, what about our GOD dilemma?

The dictionary defines dilemma as: “a difficult situation or problem.”

Well yes, God is either a difficult situation to consider or a problem for most people. His invisible nature makes it extremely hard to prove and yet there are many tangibles in this world that tell of His existence, in my humble opinion. Fingerprints, as a friend of mine says.

God is everything or he is nothing. What is our choice? There doesn’t seem to be a middle ground on this one, no option for “just a little bit of God.” If you let him in, well, He’s in. If you turn away from Him, he’s not in your life.

I happen to believe He’s in our lives whether we acknowledge Him or not.
He doesn’t move. We do.

This is a very hard topic for a lot of people, but one worth considering carefully. Because when we alcoholics get sober, we need to find our higher power to turn our lives over to so that we can stay sober. We have decided that we are powerless and our lives had become unmanageable. WE aren’t our higher power because we know that our lives weren’t working under our own power.

Many of us struggle with this, so don’t feel frustrated. It’s natural.

Honestly, the place I go to hear God is in a meeting of other alcoholics. God is not sitting in the room, although He is always there. When people start to speak, it’s as if God is whispering truths directly to me. Sometimes it’s like a loud bell going off when someone says something I can relate to in a real way. My hair stands up, my gut clenches, then I relax into a feeling of bliss like God himself has just written me a love letter in this truth. Those moments are hard to describe and they feel like they are not of this world.

Here are some GOD acronyms to hold onto:

GROUP OF DRUNKS
I hear God through other alcoholics telling their stories

GIVER OF DESIRES
I see God in the transformation that happens in people’s lives

GIFT OF DESPERATION
I feel God in the desperation of others that eventually leads them through the door to freedom from addiction.

GAINING ONE’S DREAMS
I experience real peace as I see dreams being fulfilled, lives changing, relationships being restored, people staying sober—me too.

GOOD ORDERLY DIRECTION
When I listen to God and I am receptive to Him, I gain wisdom that I didn’t come up with on my own.

Maybe you don’t get it all yet. It’s really OK.

We’re not meant to understand everything. How small would our God be if we understood it all? In fact, it’s good to doubt…

You can be a believer and still have doubts.
Doubts lead to questions and seeking.
Questions lead to answers.
And, answers lead to a greater understanding.

Just keep seeking.

And, here’s your bonus acronym for today!

DOUBTS
Doing Our Uncertain Best To Seek

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Proberbs 3:5-6

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GOD TALKS

Yes. He does.

It may not always be words. A thought, an idea, an inspiration, from nature...

I find that God talks to me, when I regularly talk to Him! When you think about relationships you have in your life, the people you communicate with the most and spend the most time with are the closest to you, right?

The more time I spend with God, the better that relationship becomes. The way I do that is spending time on a walk in His creation or standing on the beach and observing this beautiful world, to name a few.

At one point, I thought God had stopped talking to me. After many days of resistance, stubbornness and NOT talking to God, I stood on the cliff and looked out over the ocean at sunset.

I saw a group of pelicans with huge wingspans banking out over the water. As they turned, the afternoon sunlight bounced magnificently off of their backs such that it made me catch my breath!

“Thank you, God,” to which He replied, “I will continue to send you beauty and you need to pay attention!” I was so surprised hearing from God I shouted, “Hey, You are talking to me again!”

And I heard the words, “I could say the same to you.” Whew, what a great realization.

I need to talk to God for Him to talk with me.

Relationship.

“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power
and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made,
so that people are without excuse.”  

Romans 1:20

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SERVICE HEALS

When I was drinking, I was in full-on selfish mode only thinking about what I wanted and needed. When I got sober, I learned that the quickest way out of my own head was to be of service.

In serving myself, the satisfaction is temporary, unfulfilling, and fleeting. I find I always want more, and I am obsessively self-focused coming up empty every time. Bored, tired, and discontented.

When I serve you, we both receive the gift—it blesses me AND you and sustains us both in the process. In a way, I think of serving as rather selfish on my part because in the end I am the person who benefits the most!

Service heals both the giver and the receiver.

Sometimes you might think, “Well, this small thing I am doing really doesn’t matter.”

It does.

Service matters. It matters to you and to me. It gives us both purpose. God wants us to be in relationship with others and with Him. The best way to practice this is to be of service.

I often thought that what I was doing in life wasn’t making a difference. I just worked, earned a living, had a family and lived. So what? When I started giving of myself through the talents I had been given, I finally felt like I was becoming the person God intended for me to be. I was capable of giving back that same love that was so freely given to me.

The result of this discovery was a new power and drive to serve you and others more!

“Those who put their faith and trust in the Lord shall have a renewed strength.  
They will rise up as if on the wings of eagles. They will run and not be tired.  
They will walk and not be faint.”

Isaiah 40:31

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THE FRISBEE SHOW

My whack-a-doodle, labradoodle, Dash, loves to play frisbee. It's part of the morning routine. I’m pretty sure he thinks he’s exercising me when we do this.

Nothing like the bright-eyed, anticipating, and intense look he gives me as I prepare to launch the frisbee across the yard. Him lunging forward toward me like a cat pouncing on prey, trying to get me to hurry-up and throw it and me crouching in the ready position. Off it goes across the yard—and sometimes where I throw it. My flinging skills give new meaning to the phrase, “throws like a girl”

Dash doesn’t seem to mind. Neither does the giggling man in the hot tub, for whom the show is being put on. Back he comes after digging it out of the bushes and wagging his tail as he runs toward me, frisbee jammed in his mouth. He stops just out of my reach, which is part of the game, shaking it madly like he is trying to shake the life out of it. He is definitely in control of how long this is played, at what speed, and the level of intensity we engage.

7-year-olds are like that.

All the while, my 15.5-year-old, Diamond, who lives up to her shiney name, wanders around the yard looking at us like we are a couple of loonies let out of the bin. My little old lady will sidle up to me for a hug between throws. Turning her head sideways to look off into the distance showing her regal profile—queen that she is.

What does this have to do with sobriety?

Everything.

I would have missed ALL of this—and did in the past while drinking.

All of this is pure joy and the closest thing I can think of to being the happiest I can be—my husband in the hot tub enjoying the scene, dogs playing in the sunshine and me, feeling grateful and enjoying another new sober day beginning.

Thank you, God.

John 10:10b "I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."

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OHANA RECOVERY

I experienced Ohana in a very real way one morning in Kauai.

Part of Hawaiian culture, ohana means family (in an extended sense of the term, including blood-related, adoptive or intentional family). The concept emphasizes that families are bound together and members must cooperate and remember one another. (Wikipedia)

Right after I got sober, we went on vacation. It would be my first vacation without alcohol. Ahead of time, I had looked up meetings online and found one at a local park on the beach not far from our condo.

It was a 7am meeting, still dark when I bravely headed out alone. Not knowing where I was going, I trusted it would be there. It was. As I walked up, the sun was starting to come up. In the haze of predawn, I could see several very large, tattooed, Hawaiian men sitting around a picnic table. Afraid and intimidated at first, I continued to walk out toward the beach. I could see another table with what I recognized as familiar literature, coffee and donuts. Okay, I think I am in the right place.

Then, with much excitement, they all jumped up from the picnic table and shuffled over to me with outstretched hands. “Welcome, miss, please join us.” (in their inimitable Hawaiian accent) They shook my hand and wrapped their solid arms around me and I dove into safety.

They guided me to the coffee and donuts table and said to take a seat. One of them handed me a reading sheet and said, “You gunna read for us now.” I took it and after saying the serenity prayer together, I started to read the familiar How It Works.

Right there in a lawn chair with roosters cock-a-doodle-doo-ing and the brilliance of the sun rising over the ocean, I read out loud in a soft, choked-up voice with tears in my eyes. I felt safe and at home and part of the family. They smiled and giggled at me. We shared stories with each other, some of the men fresh out of prison on the island and early in recovery. Some had many years. I shared my story too, and at the end of the meeting they proudly announced, “You Ohana now. You jus’ gotta come back.”

Unlikely bunch loving one another like family.

Ohana. Intentionally chosen. An experience like no other.

A moment in time I will not soon forget.

 
Colossians 3:13-14
“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

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STEAL HOME

While listening to one of my sober pals speak at a meeting, I had a very strong vision at the end of her talk.

My friend shared her incredible life story. I had heard it before. I remember hearing her when I first got sober when she had a year of sobriety, which seemed like forever to me then. She talked about wanting to isolate, wanting to drink and check out. I mean she wanted to check out now at 12 years sober! She wasn’t talking about the past.

The thinking part of her disease of alcoholism was getting ready to pounce. All of her defenses were down and she was telling the truth about her not wanting to come to the meeting today and not wanting to be with us. She didn’t fit it, didn’t feel a part of—and she didn’t even care.

Then, she talked about what she had learned to do when she felt this way. To come to meetings and talk even if she didn’t want to. Her words were like a prayer to me. A reminder that there is a solution to our problems and that our thoughts don’t need to overwhelm. God was right there. I felt her relaxing into us as she neared the end of her chair and the obsession and fear falling away from her as she talked.

Then I had this vision:

We were all at a baseball game and my friend was running around the bases. She rounded third base, headed for home plate and slid in on her belly. Dirt flying. Tagging home base with her fingertips. We were all there cheering her on as the umpire called her “SAFE!” That image of the umpire squatting with wide stance and arms stretched out to his sides, palms down, all of us screaming loudly and with all the drama we could muster was such a powerful picture of our sobriety community. We are safe together.

The safe zone. Come and stay.

Steal home if you have to.

Hebrews 12:1
“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.”

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JUST BE HELD

At the moment of surrender, we begin to hold the truth. What does that mean?
I think it means that the lie that we “need alcohol” no longer holds us. We start our journey away from dependence on the drug or alcohol to our independence.

In that surrendering to God of all of our addictions, we switch our dependence on alcohol or drugs to our dependence on God to carry us through and fill that hole inside. Believe it or not, when we depend on God, we are moving into independence—freedom from the bondage of addiction.

We don't have to hold it all together. We can let God do the holding us.

I love this song by, Casting Crowns, “Just Be Held”

Take a moment to read the lyrics and let them wash over you.

Just Be Held
Casting Crowns
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

My favorite line is “And when you’re tired of fighting, chained by your control—
there’s freedom in surrender...”

Surrender. So powerful.
 
John 8:32
“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

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SLIP OR RELAPSE?

I hear people say when they drink again, "I had a little SLIP."

You mean a relapse? A slip implies that drinking again was somehow an accident—that I had nothing to do with it.

NO.

Sobriety Losing It’s Priority.

That’s what a SLIP is right there. Sobriety losing its priority. The relapse begins long before I take that drink again. If I am not vigilant about my sobriety and make that my number one priority, I will start thinking old thoughts, repeating old behaviors, and I am right back where I was while drinking. Alcohol becomes my solution again. Relapse becomes a possibility. I start making excuses for my behavior.

The reason I know I have more recovery to do is because I am still alive.

Drinking is not an option for me anymore. Period.

Now I ask myself, “What am I doing for my sobriety today?”

Then, I pray and ask God to relieve me of the bondage of self—get out of my own head and stop thinking "I got this." Next I go help somebody in need or serve in some way. Sometimes that is just going to a meeting and sitting in the seat and being there for somebody else.

Retrain your brain. Be transformed by doing different behavior.

Try it. It works.

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  Psalm 139:23-24

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under Square Books In The Light to check out my recovery books with gentle suggestions on ways to stay sober.

UNLOCK THE MYSTERY

“If I told you, I’d have to kill you.”

That line, originally, may as well have been a direct quote from God.

We don’t get to know what happens after this life, or if He is really there for us in this one for sure. Do we?

If we really knew how wonderful it was to be in heaven or with God, we may not want to be on this troubled Earth anymore, right? Everyone would be rushing to get to the good part.

OK, that’s the faith part, and—the hard part.

So I think we are supposed to sit with the mystery of it and just trust God. Lean not on our own understanding. That is where the real work in us happens. He did give us an option to communicate with him on a personal basis right now, today—

Prayer.

Our brains weren’t designed to hold all that God’s mind holds. He wants us to call on him, talk with him, and depend on Him.

That’s the whole point. Okay, I get it—

“Hi, God. It’s me.”

Proverbs 3:5
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight

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VICTIM OR VICTOR

Stuff happens. That doesn’t make me a victim.

I have failed but that doesn’t make me a failure.

I have suffered loss, but that doesn’t make me a loser.

We all have trials but they don’t have to define us. If we claim our trials, our story gives us an excuse to stay stuck. “this is why I am the way I am...” it becomes our excuse to stay that way. It's locked in place because we choose to believe that. If we name our enemy and tell the truth about it, we have half a chance at defeating it and triumphing over it into a new way of thinking. When we tell the truth about what happened in our past and get it out of our heads, we take all the power of its hold over us and we can begin to let it go.

Even though I don’t drink anymore, I say I am an alcoholic in recovery because it gives power to the recovery over it. I can help others by telling others what happened to me and identifying where I have come from, but it doesn’t continue to define me or keep me there.

I can claim my sobriety date as a defining moment when I step from victim (this happening to me) into victor—claiming victory over the obsession to drink and the thinking that controls that. It is up to me because God did give us the choice.

The victory lies in how we frame the circumstances. Old patterns you have in place get rearranged. If the circumstances don’t get rearranged, your thinking about them does. You will begin to look at everything with new eyeglasses. It's ok to ask for help. From somebody close to you, or from God.

Step into the light just by how you view yourself.

YOU are a victor.

See it. Believe it. Live it.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”

2 Corinthians 12:9

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