SMALL AGAIN

I was recently having a conversation with my oldest grandson about being in the “state of being overwhelmed." We are all there at some point in our lives. He asked me what I do when I get to that place of my mind being in "overwhelm.” 

I had to pause a minute and think. I DID know what to do with myself when I arrived in that state of overwhelm. I did it automatically now, after 6570 days of sobriety (almost 18 years). This was based on all I had learned in my 12-step meetings. But, I had never articulated it to someone who was not in our program. I went on to explain to him that it’s what we do in recovery.

I make my world small again. 

Only manage one-day-at-a-time. I can only affect change locally and be humble about it.

How did I get to overwhelm? My thinking became obsessive and the problems became too big in my head—How was I going to change the world? End hunger or homelessness? Stop drug and alcohol addiction in the world? Too big. Grandiose thinking. I can’t—

That thinking makes me small and insignificant. 

That’s when I have to make my world small again. Zoom back into my world of reality. Today. Right in front of me. Where are my feet? What or who can I touch today? 

This thinking makes me significant again.

Start with me.

Take care of me. Then reach out to you. Go to a meeting and help the next struggling alcoholic who needs to know how I stayed sober all these days in a row (and still remained crazy in my mind, right?) As a friend always says, “It’s not the drinking. It’s the thinking.” I take the substance out of the equation and I am still left with my obsessive thinking—That’s where others come in. I need connection. I need you. You need me. That’s where care starts. The only place that I can truly make a difference. 

This will be a continuous process for my lifetime—

One-person-at-a-time. 

One-heart-at-a-time. 

One-day-at-a-time.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.”      

Serenity Prayer

Click on my books below to buy.

DYNAMIC PATIENCE

I heard a friend in recovery talk about dynamic patience. My brain could not wrap around it. At first, that seems like an oxymoron. When I think of having patience, I think of being static. Stuck in “wait” mode—until something happens to take me out of waiting. But, patience is not necessarily static, being stuck, or waiting.

DEFINITIONS:

Patience: 1) bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint; 2) steadfast despite opposition, difficulty, or adversity. 3) not hasty or impetuous

Static: 1) of or relating to bodies at rest or forces in equilibrium. 2) showing little change

Dynamic: 1) marked by usually continuous and productive activity or change 2) of or relating to physical force or energy. 3) an underlying cause of change or growth.

Aha! There it is—Dynamic: an underlying cause of change or growth.

Patience is not my strong suit. I didn’t grow out of that child-like characteristic of impatience well. My first instinct to having patience is to resist. I want to DO something to make it happen now. As my husband says, “I can’t wait to have patience.” (ha ha)

But, patience can be dynamic: “Steadfast despite opposition, difficulty or adversity—this being the underlying cause of change or growth.”

Pain is the motivator. An agent for change. I wanted God to change me. I just didn’t want Him to have to take away the drinking part for that to happen! Please take the pain of the consequences of my behavior without me having to change, ha ha. Then, in the end of my drinking, I realized that if I kept up this pace of drinking, I might die. Now, that’s a static condition!

I would say that in my sobriety, I have learned to be active in my recovery. That is the dynamic part of it for me. Partnering with God in the process. I surrender that which I cannot control and seek to affect the change I can in myself. Just those two things alone can keep me sober. But I need YOU too. That’s where meetings come into play.

Dynamic patience for me is when I sit in a meeting quietly being patient to hear what I need to hear today. I can let the change and growth happen one-day-at-a-time. You are telling me your story of pain, too. God speaks through you directly to me. Magic happens.

Show up.

Listen up.

Grow up.

“One of the main ways we move from abstract knowledge about God to a personal encounter with him as a living reality is through the furnace of affliction.”

Tim Keller

TAP-TAP-TAP... IS THIS THING ON?

Ever feel like nobody is listening? Reminds me of when a stand-up comedian waits for a joke to land and then… silence. Then, the comic might tap the mic and ask, “Is this thing on?”

We can’t hear anything when we are deep in our addiction. That’s how powerful it is. It shuts our ears, so that no good information is received. No matter how hard we try and how much people love us, our poor decisions continue. We don’t hear any of it. I know that was true for me until I decided to surrender my will.

I heard a woman say in her story while sharing the other day, “I’m not stupid. I was just doing stupid stuff.” We are not bad people, we’re just doing bad behavior.

When I was early in sobriety, I started sponsoring other women. I was so excited to help somebody and teach them what I had learned on how to stay sober and live a full life again. When one of the women I was sponsoring relapsed, I took great offense. Like it happened to ME! What did I do wrong? What could I have done to make them NOT relapse? I asked my sponsor these questions and she said, “Heidi, you’re not that powerful.”  

Wow. 

I got it right away. I couldn’t be told either. Until I was ready to hear. My God heard my cry when I was ready and asked for help. That’s the surrender part. When I finally surrendered to God what I was trying to do for myself, the magic started to happen. Then, I could start to show up for meetings and for other people. I could start hearing what I needed to hear. 

The process is sometimes long and arduous. Our bottoms come when they do, not when others think it should happen. No shame. When our solutions—drugs or alcohol—stop working for us, we can surrender ourselves to the process. That is when the healing begins. Our ears and eyes open to new possibilities and solutions we have not considered before.

To the one who supports the addict:  Even when it seems your support, love and words are not heard, they are seeds being planted. Don’t give up on them—keep praying and stay hopeful. As my sponsor also said, “They have to want their sobriety MORE than you want it for them."

To the addict:  Until we are ready to surrender and to finally know that we can’t do sobriety on our own— that our solutions aren’t working—we won’t hear. Only when we step out of the darkness and into the light of surrender, do we get our mic-drop moment—The Victory.

We need others’ help and God’s help. Key factors in sobriety.

Join me in sobriety.

Come. Sit. Stay.

Listen. Hear.

“Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

Mark 4:9

Click on my books below to buy.

TIMING

I was talking with a friend in recovery. He was sharing on the brilliance of the Serenity Prayer. So much I cannot change. Some things I can. The hard part is the wisdom to know the difference. Retraining my brain. How do I know what the best decision is? When will I know? How will I know?

Timing.

The path appears when you take the leap of faith and trust God. Knowing when to speak and to make an amends, it all comes down to timing. When to speak and when to wait. Who does it help? Who will it hurt? How long should I wait?

In any amends communication, I must ask myself 2 questions:

1) What is my motivation?

2) What are my expectations?

If I pray on these two and find that I have peace in the answers that come up, I am ready. I am clean in my delivery. God often presents the moments for us—when we least expect it.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Journal your thoughts.

Pray for wisdom.

Wait for God’s peace.

“ For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Matthew 23:12

Click on my books below to buy.

THOUGHT CURRENCY

Ever think about where your thoughts come from?—like that one, ha ha!

Definition of thought

1. an individual act or product of thinking

a. a developed intention or plan

b. an opinion or belief in the mind

2. reasoning power—the power to imagine: conception

Thoughts have no value just of themselves floating around in my head. They become real when I share them with others and get them out of my head. In speech or in writing. The worth—or currency of thought becomes real when we exchange them with each other—and God. Relationship. We are relational beings. We were designed to be together, not alone.

When drinking, I had no thought currency.

First, my thoughts were skewed because I chose the wrong path for clarification of my thoughts. Alcohol. It immediately took me down a notch from the anxiety of decision-making and from you. But most importantly, It was separation from God. The more I drank, the more confused I was. Then, it became a habit. In finally deciding to take alcohol out of the mix, I found that my obsessive thoughts were still there—I needed a new plan.

Instead of checking out from those thoughts, I decided to use my thought currency and share with other alcoholics who had made the same plan. Magic happened. Once out of my head, a few things happened:

Not only did it take the power out of the skewed thought when I shared it out loud with another, but, that person got to benefit in the exchange too. Sometimes, God speaks through me to you. Sometimes through you to me! We both get to acknowledge that together with God, we have the power to imagine. To conceive. To heal.

My worth is no longer attached to my own crazy thoughts. Why? In sharing with someone else, I can have worth to that person. Then, together, we can share that thought to help another person. We matter. To God and to each other. Love. God was the conduit that connected us to each other in unity. That made us more powerful together.

• Come and spend your thought currency with us in sobriety.

• You and I become rich when we exchange our thoughts.

• It’s worth it.

“For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.”

Matthew 18:20

Click on my books below to buy.

STICK OUT

I heard a pastor speak recently. He spoke of so many things that shouted to me about recovery. He said this, which feels counterintuitive—

“We are not called to fit in, we are called to stick out”

When I hit my bottom, I had to do something differently. Stop fitting in and start sticking out—separate myself from the drinking that was damaging my life and those around me, and start demonstrating change. Do this life differently. I immediately jumped into service when I got sober. Realizing that by just sitting next to somebody in a meeting was service.

Imagine that.

Our society thrives on fitting in, doing what everybody else is doing. We’re “in” and “cool” when we drink and party like them. Well, not exactly. That’s just supporting each other in bad behavior—That’s easy.

The hard part is stepping away. Sticking out. Showing others the way. How it can be done in love and support and without our destructive behaviors, whatever they may be—alcoholism, codependency, drug addiction, over-eating, over-anything.

This is all counterintuitive, right? What does that mean?

Definition of counterintuitive: contrary to what one would intuitively expect

When I got sober, I felt like I was all alone. Separated from everyone who was having fun, doing the “in” thing, being happy, fitting in. Then, I found out just the opposite. I learned there were others like myself, learning how to fit in in a different way—with others that were staying sober, going to meetings, reviewing and changing old behaviors that didn’t work for them anymore (the 12-steps of AA) working with others and sharing their lives in love and sober fellowship.

I chose to become “part of” life rather than to separate and isolate. In doing that, I automatically chose a path to stick out and be an example of how God intended for me to live. And the cool part was that I realized it had come out of the MESS I had made of my life!

That God could use my MESS as a MESSAGE to others.

So grateful.

You can do this too.

“A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

John 13:34-35

Click on my books below to buy.

S.L.I.P.

I hear people say when they drink again, “I had a little SLIP.”

You mean a relapse? A slip implies that drinking again was somehow an accident—that I had nothing to do with it.

No.

Sobriety Losing Its Priority

That’s what a SLIP is right there. Sobriety losing its priority! The relapse begins long before I take that drink again. If I am not vigilant about my sobriety and don’t make that my number one priority, I can start thinking old thoughts, repeating old behaviors, and then, I am right back where I was while drinking. Alcohol becomes my solution again. Relapse becomes a possibility. I start making excuses for my behavior.

I know I have more recovery work to do because I am still alive.

Drinking is not an option for me anymore. Period. Now I ask myself, “What am I doing for my sobriety today?”

Then, I pray and ask God to relieve me of the bondage of self to get out of my own head and that thought of, “I got this.”— Next, I help somebody in need or serve in some way. Sometimes that is just going to a meeting and sitting in the seat to be there for others—even if I don’t want to.

Retrain your brain.

Be transformed by behaving differently.

Try it. It works.

“Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Psalm 139:23-24

Click on my books below to buy.

GATHERING EVIDENCE

I practice what I call a Brain Flip when I find myself in a tailspin. When walking straight into a negative situation and I feel like I cannot avoid the crap storm, I immediately ask myself, “How can I flip this?” Turn it around and look for the positive moment, the comedy, the lesson here. My mind begins to focus on something different, and I can knock myself out of a funk quickly this way. Here’s how—

I gather evidence.

We can gather evidence to prove that we are terrible people, disregarding all the good info and just logging all the mess-ups, mistakes and errors we make in life. We are gathering evidence to prove to ourselves that we are bad people.

Or we can flip it and—

We can gather evidence and look for what we did right in the situation. Paying attention to the details (evidence) placed before me. What can I learn from this situation? How can I look beyond the obvious? What is being revealed to me? Who is being helped here? Who can I serve? Sometimes it’s me. Sometimes it’s you.

There is a concept called “act as if...” where you think and act the way you believe you want to be—not drinking, showing up sober, sharing by talking, acting like you are a free and whole person—and you keep doing this behavior until your brain believes that this is the truth for you. And then you start living it.

Changing my thoughts changes my behaviors. I am proof it works. Try it.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the
renewing of your mind.”

Romans 12:2

DENIAL—NOT JUST A RIVER IN EGYPT.

A fellow friend and alcoholic died of this disease—overdosing on alcohol.

One day, after her death, I read her obituary in the paper. She might have been one of the most extreme cases of denial I have ever encountered. She never did get this simple program of recovery. My heart broke for her many times. Once she arrived to a meeting in two different flip-flops—one of her husband’s on one foot and one of hers on the other. I offered to drive her home because she was unable to drive. She belligerently refused and survived one more drunk drive across town only to die alone in her bed from too much alcohol soon after.

Even her obituary screamed denial as it described her "beautiful" life with a husband she had long-since divorced, telling of her standing in the community, how successful she had been and how many people respected her—describing her life of 20 years ago. No mention of her current husband. No mention of her struggle. No mention of the disease that was trying to kill her—and eventually did. Nothing of the last six years of complete isolation, constant drinking with her current husband of four years, two rehabs and many hospitalizations, a year in county jail—coming to meetings only when she was so desperate she didn't know what else to do, looking for the magic bullet.

Such a sad obit. And such a description of this disease and lives of the people we touch in our disease. We drag them into our denial and have them believing our story—our intricate lies weaving together to make up the wrong story.

The lies keep the disease in place.

The truth brings us into the light and frees us.

How do we get to the truth?

1.) We begin weaving the truths together one-day-at-a-time to make up the “right” story. The one God meant for us all along—His plan that we derailed by looking away from Him and putting the focus back on US to write the wrong narrative for our lives.

2.) We don’t drink. We show up sober. We tell the truth. We connect to others. We trust God for the outcome. Simple program, but not easy.

3.) We give up control of our own plans and turn it over to the One who has all power—GOD.

May you find him now.

“He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30

Click on my books below to buy.

POWER OF PRAYER

I have been thinking about the Lord’s Prayer, phrase by phrase, for the last month. The very last line is, “...For Yours is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory forever, Amen.”

I was struck by the fact that I am a “crisis redeemed in my story of victory over alcohol.” But, my story is a “so what”—unless it is told. That is where the “glory” part comes in.

God gets all the glory (credit) for the crisis redeemed and others get to be helped when I talk about it.

Prayer is one of my most powerful tools. People often get intimidated about prayer, thinking they have to “know how to do it” before actually praying. No. Just open your mouth and let the words fall out. God knows your heart and will hear and receive all that you need to ask Him or tell Him.

Start simply by trying these three two-word prayers,

“Help me.”


“Thank you.” 


“What’s next?”

Prayer is talking to God. When I go to meetings and hear others tell their stories, God talks to me.

I start the day in prayer by thanking God for everything in my life—sometimes writing down a gratitude list in a journal. I ask for the courage to say yes to all the things that God puts in my path. I ask Him to guide and direct my thinking and to be mindful of others and for where I might be of service—how my crisis redeemed can help someone else!

At the end of the day, I thank God again for awakening me to my new purpose. I pray for forgiveness for the things I should have done, but did not do out of fear. I ask God for the strength to be bold, more ready to walk into situations where He wants me and to know when to stay silent and pray for people in need.

So powerful—prayer works.

Prayer heals.

Try it.

Practice it. 



“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances”


1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Click on my books below to buy.

FREE WILL

God gave us free will.

I can choose to make bad decisions. He gave me that ability. Alcohol was my way of controlling the things in this world that frustrated or confused me. But it was an illusion. I was powerless the whole time. It turns out that alcohol took me further away from God—separation from God.

So, what is God’s Will? I think God’s Will is to let us have free will to choose to partner with him or not. What would the world look like if we were forced to do God’s Will? Ultimately, when I put aside my own will (control of my life,) I can freely choose God’s Will for my life. Then, I will know Peace.

Not until I took the alcohol out of the equation and completely surrendered my own will, did God reveal this to me.

Then it was quite obvious. The secret is in not having a stranglehold on my way, control of how I think it SHOULD be, but letting go and trusting that God has me in whatever condition I might find myself.

I searched outside myself for the answer in this world. I asked everyone who I thought may know more than I did about this, and they had no answers—just band-aids. When I gave up trying to find the solution here in the tangible world, I looked to God in prayer to guide and direct my thinking and actions.

It became obvious what I should do next. I could not not do what I was supposed to do. I just had to do it and not resist. To be available and show up, not knowing what the outcome would be. The “not knowing” part is the hard part.

When I was able to let go and trust that God could also handle my feelings, fears, and doubts—then, and only then, did the awesome miracle start to unfold right before my very eyes.

The opposite of doubt is not faith for me. The opposite of doubt is certainty. My faith (hope) is certain. True. Undeniable. Evidenced by all I see (and don’t see) in this world. God-given free will. I choose to believe. I would go as far as to say that my free will is now God’s Will. I choose to turn all over to God, so His Will can be done in my life.

If this world that God made is the evidence for Himself, wouldn’t it follow that there is evidence of the supernatural world—the spiritual realm? The peace I know when I surrender to His Will of my own free will is my evidence.

No God, No Peace.

Know God, Know Peace.

“Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Hebrews 11:1

Click on my books below to buy.

SPIRITUAL MALADY

Alcoholism—a spiritual malady.

A malady is an illness , sickness, or disordered condition.

In our literature, it says that drinking is a twofold dilemma. “The allergy of the body coupled with the obsession of the mind.” If I take care of one, I still have the other. "Half measures availed us nothing”

Half measures, Half sober. If I am just not drinking and not doing any work beyond that to ensure that my sobriety stays intact, I am just not drinking.

I suffer from a spiritual disease also. I think it is threefold. “For we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically.” (Big Book of AA)

This dis-ease I have is within my spirit. I have often called my drinking separation from God. I was out of order with my Higher Power. Once I stopped drinking, I had to daily reconnect with God to reactivate the light of the spirit within me—and, work on my steps for my mind.

What I have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.

Day by day.

Someone described that success of any kind is a matter of momentum—you don’t drink for today and find that you can. Then you do it again the next day. The incremental becomes monumental. So then about the momentum. Sometimes it gets me ahead of myself—future tripping. Or gets me stuck, remembering my failures from the past—saying to me, “you can’t do this, you never have before!”

That’s where one day at a time becomes crucial. If I am not in today, the rest is just a projection or a memory (future or the past) which does not serve me at all. I will miss today if I do that.

Don’t miss today. You won’t get it back.

I know you can do this.

If I am doing it, so can you.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

Click on my books below to buy.

FACTS VS. FEELINGS

I was in a meeting listening to a woman tell her story about recovery from her extreme addiction. It had taken her from a fairly normal life with kids, to losing everything, including her kids, and then to living on the streets. She was telling of the facts that were happening this week because of her sobriety, recovery and dependence on God— instead of her dependence on her drug of choice.

She talked about her feelings and how they had dominated her decision-making when she was using and how that had led her to some pretty bad choices. Now, her focus was on the facts as they were—acceptance, rather than denial—and not focusing on the feelings she had about the facts that were happening. There is something in between acceptance and denial—the pause.

Feelings pass. Facts remain.

I lose sight of this. It really depends on what I focus on in any given time period that determines my attitude for the day.

Drinking used to be my solution when I could not deal with the facts and I had added my emotional overload to it—death, conflict, a broken shoelace—easier to drink and just check out. Now, in sobriety, I have learned to pray for wisdom, wait until the feelings pass, then make the best decision I know how to make in response to the facts before me.

God designed both—feelings and facts. The interpretation of the feelings toward to facts takes help. Our choices become clearer in life when we realize that we are not doing this alone—we have others to support us and we can surrender to God when we are overwhelmed with the emotions in response to the facts.

I choose to live somewhere in that sober pause, where God can enter and give me peace.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
2 Corinthians 12:9

To buy my books, click on the books link below:

F.E.A.R.

F alse E vidence A ppearing R eal

If I look around in the world, I can find all the evidence I need to prove that I should stay in fear. It takes a measure of trust and faith to not buy into the false evidence I see all around me. Lately, I have experienced some irrational fear in reaction to circumstances happening in the world.

I can’t be in fear and faith at the same time.

Fear—tells us that we are small, powerless, and separate.

Faith—affirms that we are great, creative, and connected.

I can change the acronym...

Fear Everything And Run.

or

Face Everything And Recover.

Which voice do you choose to be your guide?

My God is bigger than fear. I choose faith as I step forward to live in the Light.

Oh God, my tearful eyes joyfully receive another day of sobriety so that I can see Your wonders before me every day.

Won’t you join me in the peace that comes from not living in FEAR?

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

John 14:27

Click on my books below to buy.

SURPRISED BY JOY

I am not big on being surprised. Ever. I am pretty big on being prepared. Controlled. I got this. Wow. Me. All about me.

When I think about that, it doesn’t leave much room for anything other than what I expect or what I had planned—pretty limiting. Sounds like setting myself up for disappointment, eh? Yes. This feels like arrogance. It is.

Admitting we don’t know the answer and being open to faith in God’s realm of possibilities—which are limitless—opens our minds to the impossible. Our minds are limited to our experiences of what we have already seen and done in this world. Faith allows for more.

Humility surprises us with the possibilities of God’s redeeming love.

I needed to let go of my arrogance, becoming humble and allowing for God to come in and redeem and bless me BEYOND what I was expecting. Surprising me with the better than expected result. This is not my natural way of thinking. I had to retrain my brain to think upside down. It’s not giving up my thinking, but submitting to another way of thinking— another viewpoint.

Out of this process, I am “Surprised by Joy” as C.S. Lewis says in his book with the same title. He describes it this way, "Joy is like a "signpost" to those lost in the woods, pointing the way, and that its appearance is not as important "when we have found the road and are passing signposts every few miles.”

This was so true for me when I got sober. I found that all the joy had not been taken away from me along with the alcohol. I thought I would never be funny again. Have fun or be joyful without alcohol. Not true.

I found the road—without resistance. The road out of the woods and the little stabs of joy along the way were signposts helping me to know that I could be on this path without alcohol. The path, or the journey WAS the way. Each day stronger. Sober one more day. One more signpost. More joy.

Surprised.

I like it.

Who knew?

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

Galatians 5:22-23

To buy my books, click on the website menu bar at the top of this page.



IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE

Every celebration was an excuse to drink for me. Because, of course, it was 5pm somewhere wasn’t it?

Then it was 4pm, then 2pm, then all day long. Then, I wasn’t sure if I ever had minutes in a day where I wasn’t intoxicated. The end. That’s my story. Well, the drinking part of my story.

So, how did I stop?

Frankly, there can be only one way. Surrender to God. Period. I was flat on the floor one minute, and relieved of my obsession and sober the next.

Huh?

That’s just crazy. Or—

Maybe evidence that God can take away the obsession when asked. I drank for 30 years straight never being able to stop on my own. Why now?

True submission and surrender to God.

I say true, because I had asked God many times to help me stop—I really didn’t mean it. I wanted Him to help me manage my drinking—which, of course, was unmanageable. I wanted God to help me, but just don’t take the alcohol away completely!

If you are new in sobriety, here are a few suggestions for how to get through the parties:

1) Have a plan—come to the party early and leave early.

2) Go with a sober relative or friend.

3) Come prepared with a water, your own drink or juice in hand.

4) When alcohol is offered, you don’t have to have a reason why you’re refusing. “No Thank You” works.

5) Have your own car

6) When the drinking feels like it is escalating, politely excuse yourself and leave.

7) This worked for me early in sobriety, and now, too. When you leave the party, don’t forget to thank God for your sobriety and for getting you through another day and another party sober.

Good plan. Repeat.

Alcohol is everywhere. You can’t avoid being with people because it is there. The challenge is to figure out how to be in the mix but not mixed up in the mess, right? When you have a few successes knowing you can go to parties without having to drink, suddenly, you realize that you don’t need alcohol to have fun, love life, and celebrate with others.

You are retraining your brain.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good. His love endures forever.”

Psalm 136:1

To buy my books, click on the website menu bar at the top of this page.

SERVICE

When I was in my active addiction, I had always had a problem with knowing where the line was between Service and Codependency.

After I got sober, and completed the 12 Steps, it was answered for me in an AA meeting. When someone told me their definition of Codependency: Helping others at the expense of myself. That really made a difference to me in how I help others.

I get to ask myself two questions:

1) What is my motivation in helping or serving?

2) What am I expecting?

If I am “clear” on those two questions, which only I can answer, I can happily say that I am serving in a healthy way. It may look to others on the surface that I am doing the right and righteous thing, but if those answers are fraught with ulterior motives and grand expectations, disappointment will follow.

Motivation Example: If my motivation is for that person to like me, or be indebted to me or make me look good—that is not clear—that is muddled in the intention and becomes about me.

Expectation Example: If I am looking for payback in some way for what I have done, that is not clean. If I am expecting a thank you or acknowledgment in any way, that’s about me, too.

There is also the “at the expense of myself” aspect of service with codependency. If I walk away with resentments, exhaustion and feeling defeat because I helped you, I have served at the expense of myself.

If I have served with no motivation or expectation of payback, I can walk away with my head held high and be joyful that I have been useful to others serving through my own transformation.

I have to observe and protect that line between the two reverently, so I can go about God’s work through me in a healthy way. I will continue to ask those two questions of myself while serving. Then, be on my way, asking for God’s clear discernment for where I should joyfully serve.

To buy my books, click on the website menu bar at the top of this page.



POWER

There is no power like that of surrender.

Wow. Now that does not even make sense at first. Surrender is not giving up, but putting the focus and trust on something greater than us. When we do that, we actually have access to the greatest source of power in the universe.

Looking at one of the great wonders of the world, Victoria Falls, the eye sees an incredible force. The power itself is invisible. Behind the water flowing with such force over the edge, there is an unseen power driving this natural phenomenon.

Nature is God’s reminder that He is always there for us, yet invisible. Showing that if we just trust, He will be that power for us too. Beyond anything we can imagine. The unthinkable, unimaginable, the impossible thing in our minds.

I didn’t think I could do this life sober. Not possible. I had tried so many times. If I could have stopped drinking on my own, I would have many years ago. Thinking so far into the future, trying to imagine that I could do this life without ever drinking again kept me stuck in the fact that I could not. The immeasurable power that came from surrender to God was the key to my obsession being lifted.

God did for me what I could not do for myself.

One day at at time.

“May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy.” Colossians 1:11

To buy my books, click on the website menu bar at the top of this page.

PROCESSING ANGER

My nephew sent me a video to watch. It was the explanation of the Prodigal Son, by a prominent theologian named, Kenneth Bailey. My nephew, Barry, and I share theological ideas with each other regularly and we both love the representation of so many themes in this parable.

Sometimes I don’t understand certain nuances in context for these parables because of the time period in which they are set. Kenneth Bailey is well-versed on Middle Eastern culture, such that this parable was finally put into perspective for me by his explanation. I was able to apply it to my own daily circumstance in a way that was so helpful. This is the line that got to me:

"When we process our anger into Grace for others, there is a costly demonstration of unexpected love.” Ken Bailey quote from his dissertation of the Prodigal’s Son.

The “son” was me.

I find myself in anger a lot lately. Because of resentments, self-centered fear and judgment for what “others are doing wrong,”—In my humble opinion, ha ha. Nobody needs my opinion—not humble, not needed. It only aggravates me. They have no idea I am obsessing on it, unless I express it to them. So, because of my fear of confrontation for what I see as “wrong,” and my unwillingness to challenge that person in the moment, I internalize my upset. This turns into anger for me—which is not helpful for me OR them!

I used to drink over things like this. Not able to process in my mind what to do next, so I would check out. It was the “easier, softer way.” In sobriety, I have gone through the 12 step process. In Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. I wrote down my resentments for people, places and things. What my resentment was for, who it was for, how it affected me and the most important part of this process—wait for it…

My part in it.

Wow, this was a process that revealed so much to me. I had to own my part in any given situation. Look inside. Review what part I played in the resentment that I was carrying and then ask God to remove that character defect that was standing in my way of letting go of that. And, to forgive. Which releases me from the hamster wheel of constantly beating myself up over it. Then, in processing that, I was able to make amends to that person in a way that released both of us of the issue.

When I stop playing God and stop judging you for how you hurt me, and start looking at how you might be hurting too, it changes my perspective. Completely. This is where that statement hits me so perfectly upside the head like a baseball bat! "When we process our anger into Grace for others, there is a costly demonstration of unexpected love.”

I was the one who ran away. My addiction was separation from God. God never went anywhere. He was waiting there until I stopped my ugly behavior and God ran toward me as I admitted I was powerless and my life was unmanageable—just waiting to show me that costly demonstration of unexpected love. In my surrender, He not only forgave me, but ran toward me with open arms. Celebrating my return. Not holding any of my bad behavior against me. In that reunion, I was able to turn to others and grant them the same grace.

• This is life-changing for me.
• I was dead in my addiction, but now I am alive—living as God intended and now available for you.
• I pray this same surrender for you.

“‘My son,’ the father said, ‘you are always with me, and everything I have is yours. But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’”Luke 15:31-32

Luke 15:11-32 (full story of Prodigal Son—https://youtu.be/GcYDhDvQaRI)

HOPE—PAY IT FORWARD

HOPE: “A feeling of expectation or desire for something to happen; grounds for believing that something good may happen.”

My Higher Power is the God of the universe—a tremendous source of strength that is always with me unless I allow resentment to separate me from the sunlight of the spirit. My God does not cause tragedy nor does He find you parking places. The Spirit of the universe is much bigger than that. The meaning in life comes from our reaching out to each other and the sharing of love and hope.

I watch hopeless alcoholics trying to get sober every day, grab a hold of hope, of which I may possibly give them a glimpse, and begin a renewal of the spirit within themselves. This is God or Higher Power or Spirit. It is not self. Not you. Not me. We cannot access this universal power through our own self will. Surrendering self, we find all the power we need. MORE than enough. Overwhelming power that we never dreamed of, that carries us through situations that used to baffle us.

Through showing up, serving, and reaching out to another alcoholic, I just might help relight the candle of hope, helping them to access the power that was available to them all along. Sometimes we don’t get to thank or repay the people that help us when we first get sober. The thing we get to do is reach out and be available to another alcoholic who needs us, like someone did for us. In this way, we pay it forward.

If you hold your sponsor’s hand on one side and hold the hand of someone you sponsor on the other, you don’t have a hand left to pick up a drink.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

To buy my books, click on the website menu bar at the top of this page.