MESS BECOMES MESSAGE

This is Tammy. He is 8 months sober. He lives in Zambia in a sober living house called, Kuyamba. The sober living house was built and supported by friends of mine, Lena and Kathleen (and many other wonderful people— www.africanshade.org— visit here to find out more about the mission.)

I met Lena for the first time in Zambia on a mission trip in 2014. She lives here in Santa Cruz and goes back for months at a time to work with the men there who are trying to get sober and maintain their sobriety.

She has taken my books with her to give to the men there. Tammy is holding my latest book, “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere”

This fills me with so much joy, that my books can be used so far away in Africa—and here—to give to a person struggling to stay sober right next to me.

I got sober 6,723 days ago and began going to AA meetings. In those meetings, I heard so many little thoughts that helped me. I started writing them down and expanding on them. Before I knew it, I had many thoughts that turned into five books on recovery. I knew that these books may help others stay sober too.

Writing these books began as a strong call from God to help others. These are simple realizations coupled with my photography and meant for alcoholics and addicts to identify with and to relate to—thoughts to read and consider and to know that they are not alone on this road to recovery and to give them hope.

These books are fifteen-minute reads—fifteen thoughts, fifteen photos for each book. I realized in my own early recovery that this was the short information-receiving window I had! As a women who God is transforming continuously, I realized that God was using me through these books. That my life and experiences as an alcoholic in recovery could be used now for good.

My mess became my message.

M—Mission

E—Evident

S—Since

S—Sobriety

God can use you too.

All you have to do is— don’t drink today, walk the walk, stay humble and surrender your life to God—I know, it sounds simple, but it’s not easy.

God will use your story in ways you never imagined as you join me on this path.

Take the first step.

“Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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EYES WIDE OPEN

I was recently listening to a podcast where they were discussing this, “Why is this happening?” and, “What’s going on that THIS was able to occur?” and, “How did we get here?”

My mind said loud and clear as I was listening to him talk, “FEAR.”

Then, the guy started talking about fear. He said, “Fear clouds critical thinking” and then he said, “There is another concept called “willful blindness,” which is turning a blind eye to the truth in order to feel safe, to avoid conflict, or reduce anxiety and protect prestige.”

That is the denial we experience with addiction when we are active in our disease—

Fear and Willful Blindness

When we take the drug or alcohol out of the picture, we can still have our obsessive thinking working overtime to protect us. Which is also a lie, but we don’t know another way of thinking OR behaving. We think the way we are doing things is working just fine—until it doesn’t.

The fear and willful blindness is still there underneath. We need to retrain our brains with healthy thoughts and behaviors to be able to, not only see the truth, but live the truth in reality.

I heard a woman say in a meeting, “It’s not the drinking, its the thinking—Its the obsession of the mind. My mind tells me fake news and then I spend all day fact-checking on social media, ha ha.”

Funny but true. The thinking is the most critical part of sobriety. How we frame our responses to life in our brains.

I had to learn how to be vigilant in my sobriety. To be like an investigator looking for evidence. I can either look for the evidence that proves that I am a bad person or I can look for the evidence of God’s handprints on all that happens…whether it’s in bad circumstances or good. Retrain my brain to look for the choice that supports my sobriety and wholeness.

We are not bad people. We are good people making bad choices. We can choose differently going forward each day.

Today, I will be vigilant and look for God’s handprints on what is happening.

Eyes wide open.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:32

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THANKFUL OR GRATEFUL—OR BOTH

Thankful: 1: conscious of benefit received 2: expressive of thanks

Grateful: 1: appreciative of benefits received 2: expressing gratitude

Where thankfulness is an emotion, gratitude is an attitude of appreciation under any circumstance. Gratitude involves being thankful, but it is more than that. Gratitude means expressing thankfulness and being appreciative of life daily—even when nothing exciting happens.

Even when nothing exciting is happening? Yes.

I am both thankful and grateful for my daily life in sobriety.

When I decided that how I was managing my life on my own wasn’t working and then completely surrendered to God’s will in my life—that’s when my life began to transform. The journey forward became:

• Being thankful for the people who support me and for God’s provisions, even when it doesn’t look like what I think it should look like.

• Staying in gratitude every day, even when the bad things came at me.

• Doing the things that support my sobriety... daily prayer and meditations, meetings, working steps, connecting with my sponsor and others in the program.

• Walking in peace, knowing that if I take the next step of faith, God will show me the right direction. It is a journey, not a destination.

“It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God's will into all of our activities. "How can I best serve Thee - Thy will (not mine) be done.” The Big Book of AA, page 85

This says it all.

I am Thankful and Grateful, yet again—

Today.

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.”

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

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HUMILITY

At the end of my drinking I suffered humiliation.

I had embarrassment for things I had done and who I had become. I was hopeless. I found out that humility is not the same as humiliation.

Humility: Low estimate of one’s importance.

Humiliation: Feeling shame or injury to one’s dignity or self-respect.

Big difference.

I can have humility and not suffer humiliation.

Being humiliated, I am stuck in victim mode, jealousy, resentment, and fear. You don’t even exist for me in that state. It’s all about me.

Having humility, my ego is right-sized. I can look at others with respect and rejoice in their victories because I am not threatened. I set aside my own ego and self-thought to make other’s needs important to me.

It’s not about me.

Humility is a space inside that I strive to reside.

It serves me well when I am serving.

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Matthew 23:12

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WORDS MATTER

When I first got sober, 6,696 days ago, I was afraid to tell my story out loud. It put words to my bad behavior. I didn’t want to let people know that I had failed. The truth had so much shame attached to it. My story felt ickey.

When, in fact, the truth was just the truth. I had added all of the shame and judgement to it. When I told my story to others in meetings, they got it. Because they had been in the same place at one time.

Each time I told my story and truth, there was a “power” in it that had been released. The weight of it seemed lightened. Easier each time I said it. I was the one who had added to power to the story. It was just the truth and in saying it out loud, I could accept the truth, then let it go. I didn’t have to be attached to the story and its meaning for me anymore. That was part of surrender for me.

The outcome of my story can be different now as I go forward. The story isn’t me. It was how I chose to behave in reaction to my circumstances while drinking. I can choose differently now, with God’s help and direction. The outcome is in God’s hand when I surrender to Him for help.

We are not bad people—just people doing bad behavior—Behavior I can change.

My new words have power to redefine who I am. I can be who God intended, just by releasing the power that old “shame narrative” held over me. This is the concept of meetings in AA. People of like minds and experiences getting together to support each other and share our journeys with each other—that others might find hope in each others’ words—“if she did it, maybe I can too.”

Words matter.

People told me that when I share my story, that I might help somebody else. Wow, I never looked at it that way before. I can be of service to others and God can use me and my story to help somebody else??? My story can be flipped and used for good.

Purpose.

This brings such hope—

For me, and for you.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”

Genesis 50:20

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BE A CLOUD

Fight or flight?

There is something in between. A lesson I learned from my brother before I got sober. It has surfaced in my memory as a tool I use now in sobriety—Stay and be a cloud.

I have always had a hard time with conflict of any kind. Avoidance was my plan of action. In my drinking days, I would either push back, blow up the conflict and drink more—making it worse for me and for others—or just run and drink more. The trick I learned has to do with “Reacting or responding”

My brother said to me, “Heidi, be a cloud.”

What?

When someone comes at you with unwanted conflict, you can push back and react. This is how to instantly engage in the conflict. If you just listen, and don’t push back, there is no place for the aggression to land, diffusing it a bit. You can receive it and let it go and not react. When the other person realizes that you are not going to engage, the aggression blows by you like you are a cloud—you don’t have to run.

This does a few things: It diffuses the aggression and possibly makes the other person realize it is not yours to deal with, giving them a chance to own it. It gives you a minute to think of a grace-filled response—not react or engage.

I use this a lot to figure out if this conflict is mine to carry or if I can let it go, not engage and pray for that person. There is always more behind any interaction.

When I was drinking, the chaos that ensued when I engaged with that person was the cause of a lot of anxiety for me and others around me. When I took the alcohol out of the picture, I could think clearly and then know I had a choice.

After working the 12 Steps, I understood that I always have a part in whatever interaction I have. I don’t get to blame others for how it turns out for me. Now, I have tools to deal with others’ anger and my own anger, as well.

If I am the one perpetrating the aggression, I get to own it, apologize for it and restart that conversation. In every interaction I get to ask myself two questions:

1 — What is my motivation?

2 — What are my expectations?

The answers to those two questions helps me decide how I will go forward—or not.

Try being a cloud. It works for me.

“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.”

James 1:19

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THE WAY FORWARD

I am running into a lot of newcomers lately. People who are showing up without a clue how to do life without alcohol or drugs. These are the people that I keep coming back to meetings to serve. To help show The Way Forward. I had no clue either. And, others showed me the way. The past was a mess and I was certain I didn’t want to go back. The future was unclear. Foggy and I could not see a way out—

Yet.

But others knew the way. I was scattered, divided and a broken version of myself. I had no integrity. The word integrity comes from the word integer— which means a whole number. Integrity is the state of being whole and undivided or wholeness.

How would I get there?

They told me one baby step at a time.

We have the past and the future. Memory and expectation. Remembering and Hope — The Way Forward. In our program we have a reading called The Promises. Within the text it says, “We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.”

Our past has brought us to this point of decision. We need to be reminded of how we got here and and to not forget, so we don’t return to that behavior. We are walking a new path that will be foggy at first. We only get to see one-day-at-a-time in front of us and hang around with people like ourselves who know what to do. Each day the view forward becomes clearer. We have no idea what the future holds.

Now, I look for the evidence of God in front of me like the constant breaking waves—something I can count on each day. Then I begin partnering with God and trusting His plan forward for me, and letting go of future outcomes. That is my hope for the future. Each day I get stronger, knowing I stayed sober today and then again the next day.

Today I can say this:

• I have integrity

• I have God to guide me

• I have others like myself to—

Show me The Way Forward.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.”

Proverbs 4:23-26

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CHAOS OR ROUTINE

Working with a newcomer to this recovery program keeps me humble. Not necessarily sponsoring, but just reaching out and coming alongside the one who is newly sober. It reminds me of my early days and trying to figure out new ways of thinking and of doing things—the old ways were not working. I had no context.

I heard this recently:

Addiction is Chaos—Recovery is Routine

Opposites.

My context for addiction was chaos. I had no idea what routine looked like. I had not been thriving there. Neither had I been thriving in chaos—hence my dilemma. I had a decision to make. I was at the end of myself. I love that turning point in every alcoholic/addict’s story—When we realize we need help outside of ourselves.

The word “repent” means to “turn around” and go the other way.

What is the true meaning of repent? “True repentance is not only sorrow for sins and humble penitence and contrition before God, but it involves the necessity of turning away from them, a discontinuance of all evil practices and deeds, a thorough reformation of life, a vital change from evil to good, from vice to virtue, from darkness to light.”

This is my favorite part in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, in the chapter to the agnostics on Page 53: “When we became alcoholics, crushed by a self-imposed crisis we could not postpone or evade, we had to fearlessly face the proposition that either God is everything or else He is nothing. God either is, or He isn’t. What was our choice to be?”

Choose God. I did and do not regret it.

Turn around and go a new way.

Simple program, but not easy.

“He has shown you, O mortal, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God.”

Micah 6:8

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THY WILL BE DONE

I love The Lord’s Prayer. We say it at the end of many of our AA meetings.

I made an interesting connection between that prayer and the 12 steps of AA. I would love to share that revelation with you—phrase by phrase.

Here we go—Step by Step and the connection to the prayer. First, the prayer.

THE LORD’S PRAYER:

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power and the Glory for ever and ever. Amen

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THE STEP: Step 1 We admitted that we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name

THE CONNECTION: Admitting we are not in power and God is.

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THE STEP: Step 2 Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: Thy Kingdom come

THE CONNECTION: We came to know that we COULD be restored.

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THE STEP: Step 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.

THE CONNECTION: We turned our will over to God.

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THE STEP: Step 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. / Step 5 Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. / Step 6 Became willing to have God remove all of our defects of character. / Step 7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: Give us this day our daily bread.

THE CONNECTION: “Our daily bread” being the provision and help we receive with working steps 4 through 7—searching ourselves, truth-telling, reviewing what is not working, and staying humble.

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THE STEP: Step 8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. / Step 9 Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

THE CONNECTION: These two steps—8 and 9— about amending our behaviors and forgiveness

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THE STEP: Step 10 Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

THE CONNECTION: Continue the path of searching although we will be tempted.

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THE STEP: Step 11 Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, asking only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: For Thine is the Kingdom

THE CONNECTION: Continue acknowledging our relationship with God.

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THE STEP: Step 12 Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: And the Power and the Glory for ever and ever. Amen.

THE CONNECTION: The spiritual awakening to our new power through God, to help ourselves and then to help others.

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I pray that you feel the spiritual connection as I did.

“But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen.”

Matthew 6:6

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INSTRUMENT OF PEACE

Sometimes I have been in an agitated state in the recent past in response to what is going on around me in the world. What has changed?

Everything and nothing.

No matter what happens, I still don’t have power over what others think, say or do.

I never did and I never will—

But, God does.

The only thing that calms me is maintaining that conscious contact with God—Step Eleven:

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”

What is conscious contact? Being spiritually awake (not checked out) is conscious contact with God.

God alone holds what has happened, what is happening today, and what will happen in the future. The only thing I can do in response to others is be an instrument of peace going forward.

The Eleventh Step Prayer is one of my favorites and one that I am invoking for this time in my life to remain spiritually awake.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace,
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy;
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

“Be still and know that I am God.”

Psalm 46:10

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RITUAL AND SPIRITUAL

I heard a sermon where the pastor pointed out that the word Ritual is within the word, Spiritual. It may be coincidental, but I found it fascinating. And, I think they are linked to each other in a powerful way, especially in my recovery.

The etymology of the word Ritual is from Latin—ritualis, from rite.

The etymology of the word Spiritual is from Latin—of breathing, of wind, from spiritus.

One of my rituals every morning is to rise early, take my dog out to do his thing and pray the Third Step Prayer for this day. Many mornings I am surprised by a joyful painting in the sky of the sunrise that God has done—like this one above. I take it very personally. I am thankful for this gift to remember that it’s not all about me! I need to get out of my own head first thing in the morning. It’s not about what I have to do for me in my schedule, but what I will do for others today. It is that preparing for the day. Sunrise ritual.

Another day to show up sober and serve.

Third Step Prayer: “God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Amen”

The line that gets me is, “Relieve me of the bondage of self,”—I actually have a physical reaction to saying this out loud. My body relaxes and peace takes its place. Whew. I can breathe. That is the spiritual part of this ritual. I believe as we practice our rituals of good habits, we grow exponentially toward our spiritual self-awareness and our purpose.

I was not big on ritual or habitual things when drinking—except when it had to do with my drinking habit, which I spent a lot of time planning. How to acquire it, drink it, then hide or get rid of the bottles afterward. Rinse and repeat. Sounds like I was good at that ritual, right? Looking back, how exhausting that was!

Now, I count on the habits and rituals I have adopted to replace the destructive cycle that does not serve me or others anymore. This is definitely the easier, softer way. In the program of recovery, it is established that once these new habits and rituals get put in place, there is a spiritual component that kicks in to carry us.

I am free—and—I need to continually let go and not try and control the outcomes in my day.

Try it.

It works for me.


“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness.”
2 Peter 1:5-6

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CONTROL

Dictionary definition of Control: the power to influence or direct behavior or the course of events.

Some common synonyms of control are authority, command, dominion, jurisdiction, power, and sway. While all these words mean "the right to govern or rule or determine," control stresses the power to direct and restrain.

“Direct and restrain.”

I did not have either when I was powerless over my drinking. 

No power to direct OR restrain.

I don’t drink anymore for many days in a row—6,640 days…but I still have control issues—part of the reason for drinking, to tone that down—which it didn’t, of course :))

When I am in control, I believe in my mind that there are no risks. It’s safe, because I have this under my power. But in reality, by thinking this way, There is only one way it can be. I limit other possibilities and I am preventing any miracles from presenting themselves in my life by hanging onto the illusion of control. 

The stranglehold I have on my reality with this kind of controlled thinking allows no possible outcome that is different from what I already know or have experienced. I am limiting God. Making Him small. When I get to the end of my own thinking, I have to let go and let God. 

Make God Big again.

Letting go is so hard. Not knowing. So scary. I try now, to do what I know I can do in my own power, and then trust God with the outcome of the situation. My part. God’s part. The partnership is key. I have not given up. I have turned over what I can’t manage or change. That allows me to be open to new thinking. New ways of doing things. New ways of being. 

I am still retraining my brain for healthy behaviors. Here are a few ways:

• surrender (admit powerless)

• connection (meetings)

• coping strategies (plan of actions)

• sponsor (counselor and guide)

• service to others (hope and purpose)

“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.”

2 Timothy 1:7

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NOT NEGOTIABLE

My sponsor sat me down when I first asked her to sponsor me. She said,

“Heidi, relapse is not about you picking up a drink again. It is about all the time leading up to that moment. That is what I want to help you identify and be aware of so you don’t get to the drinking part again.”

That made perfect sense to me. Identifying my triggers for checking out. Wow, what a concept. I drank mindlessly for years never thinking of that.

You mean I might have a chance to lick this thing if I pay attention?—YES.

The one thing I knew for myself when I got sober was that drinking was not an option anymore. So, now, I just had to figure out what my options were—calling my sponsor, working The Steps, talking to others, exercising, walking my dogs, attending meetings, praying while watching water flow powerfully down a river or waves crashing on shore—all productive.

I heard someone say in a meeting: “Things may change, but my sobriety is not negotiable—Period.”

This is true for me.

You?

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Romans 12:2

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CLAIMING MY MASTER

Is this guy paying attention to his master or what?

I’ve learned many lessons from my dogs over the years. My dog, Dash, comes as close as he can to me. He either leans on me, sits on my foot, or lays as close as he can to me—to “claim” me.

I am his access point to basic needs like food, affection, and open doors to new places for moving forward, fun, and play time. He wants to be first in line for all of that. He wants to please me.

I am the source of provision for all his needs.

All he has to do is “claim me” and sit as close to me as possible, so he doesn’t miss anything that might happen next. What a wonderful metaphor for my life—I get to “claim” my sobriety by the action step of staying close to my Master—God. If I claim God, I can claim my sobriety. It’s a choice—an action step on my part.

God is my source for nourishment and open doors to new places for moving forward, affection, fun, and play time! He is the provider for all my needs.

If I stay close to the Master, I won’t miss anything He has planned for me!

I want to be first in line to please Him.

I claim God. I claim sobriety.

“Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.” Matthew 25:34

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RELAPSE

I don’t often have “drinking dreams” anymore, where I am drinking in the dream and wake up in a panic thinking that I have relapsed. The other day, I had a dream that I was drinking.

Hmmm... This causes me to review in my waking hours, what is causing me anxiety.

When I asked my sponsor to work with me early in sobriety and be my sponsor, the first thing she did was sit me down and talk about relapse. What? Arrogantly, I told her I was not going to relapse—that I was finished drinking and was sure of it.

She then said, “Relapse is not when you take that first drink again. It is about all of the behaviors that lead up to you taking that final step of drinking again. That is what I want to help you with in sponsoring you. Identifying all things leading up to the actual drinking part.”

Oh. That makes perfect sense.

Retrain my brain—heading my mind off at the pass, so-to-speak.

RELAPSE definition: (of someone suffering from a disease) suffer deterioration after a period of improvement.

One of the triggers for me is shame of my past behaviors. I can get stuck there. Worry, mull it over, beat myself up over how I should not have done this or that. In our literature, we read The Promises. In the middle of this reading is says, “we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.” This tells me that I have to remember what I did, so I don’t repeat that behavior. Also, in remembering it, I get to be thankful for how far I have come. The past brought me here. I say I am an Alcoholic In Recovery because it is acknowledging in those three words the past, present and future:

Alcoholic (past)

In (present—the process now)

Recovery (future—the path forward)

Hopefully, my life is lived now in light of my life verse below—with intention—to keep me from going into relapse-mode:

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

Try praying this verse.

Be thankful.

Have peace for today.

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SPIRITUAL MALADY

Alcoholism—a spiritual malady.

A malady is an illness, sickness, or disordered condition.

In our literature, it says that drinking is a twofold dilemma. “The allergy of the body coupled with the obsession of the mind.” If I take care of one, I still have the other. "Half measures availed us nothing”

Half measures, Half sober. If I am just not drinking and not doing any work beyond that to ensure that my sobriety stays intact, I am just not drinking.

I suffer from a spiritual disease also. I think it is threefold. “For we have been not only mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. When the spiritual malady is overcome we straighten out mentally and physically.” (Big Book of AA)

This dis-ease I have is within my spirit. I have often called my drinking separation from God. I was out of order with my Higher Power. Once I stopped drinking, I had to daily reconnect with God to reactivate the light of the spirit within me—and, work on my steps for my mind.

What I have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition.

Day by day.

Someone described that success of any kind is a matter of momentum—you don’t drink for today and find that you can. Then you do it again the next day. The incremental becomes monumental. So then about the momentum. Sometimes it gets me ahead of myself—future tripping. Or gets me stuck, remembering my failures from the past—you can’t do this, you never have before!

That’s where one day at a time becomes crucial. If I am not in today, the rest is just a projection or a memory (future or the past) which does not serve me at all. I will miss today if I do that.

Don’t miss today. You won’t get it back.

I know you can do this.

If I did it, so can you.

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don’t get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.”

Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

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CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR

In meetings we have the 7th tradition, which states that we are self-supporting through our own contributions. We do that by passing a basket around every meeting and putting a dollar in each time. Not required. It is very cheap therapy. Sometimes, I can sit in a meeting and learn more about myself than when I talk to a therapist for many dollars more an hour.

I heard this phrase early in sobriety: “A meeting is the only place you can get change for a dollar.”

Funny, but so true.

I am not sitting there waiting for change. I am changing as I am sitting there. Just by putting myself in the chair and listening, I am saying to myself and others, “I am open to doing things differently.”

Why? Because what I was doing before was not working.

The serenity prayer is so important and succinct.

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can. And, the wisdom to know the difference.”

Admitting I can’t change you. Willing to change me. And, having that wisdom to know the difference. Cease fighting everyone and everything. Not giving up—shifting direction. Allowing new thoughts to guide me.

I am not even going to do the math on all of the “change for a dollar” that I have received over the years. It is priceless. All I have to do is show up. Sit in the seat. Put the dollar in the basket. Listen to God speak to me through all of the people in the room. Watch the transformation happen before my eyes. Experience the change in me—and—not quit before the miracle happens.

Serenity to accept—Courage to change—Wisdom to know

I know I have changed.

I still have work to do.

I am grateful.

“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me.”

Psalm 51:10

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DIFFERENT BUT SAME

Yesterday, I heard a woman share her story of alcoholism and her trip to the bottom. She said this:

"We are all a different kind of same.”

What does that mean?

We think we are unique in our stories. Well, we are unique in the details—that’s what makes us different. But, we are sitting there together because we ended up at the end of ourselves in the same place.

Different but same.

It seems we all need the same thing. To be acknowledged, loved and validated. The world tells us otherwise in its competitiveness, judgement, comparison with each other (better or worse.)—all of the negative input we seem to receive and internalize. Too hard. Easier to drink and check out right?

No. That is not a helpful conclusion.

She told us to breathe and be right where we were. Together with each other. 

The sameness being this: 

• We need connection with others like ourselves.

• We need to be loved.

• We need to love others.

She said, “when I don’t know what to do in a particular situation that is frustrating or aggravating, I can add more love. More love. Bless you. Change me.”

Sounds like a plan for healing and hope:

Add more love.

Bless you.

Change me.

“We love because he first loved us.”

1 John 4:19

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WHAT WE RESIST, PERSISTS.

This photo is so sweet and reminds me of how my recovery works.

This plant coming up out of a crack between the street and stucco wall is called a “volunteer.” There is a pot with luscious soil and that same plant flourishing in it not a foot away. This little volunteer, pushed up through the crack with minimal soil and little chance of it growing there. It was determined, despite the odds—accepting it’s conditions, admitting it was powerless over where the seed landed—sprouting in what seemed like unmanageable circumstances.

Wow.

This is Step One: “Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.”

I learned that what I resist, persists. Think about it. If I resist something, I have an adverse reaction—resistance. It causes me to think about it and mull it over and over in my head. I don’t get resolution about it, causing it to persist, until I release control over that situation. Admission that I am powerless over it is the first step.

This is how it was with my drinking for years. I resisted loved ones’ concerns for my excessive drinking and pushed back, “I don’t have a problem. It’s under control.” So, my condition persisted.

Definition of resist: to exert force in opposition

Definition of persist: to continue to do something or to try to do something even though it is difficult or other people want you to stop

Now—I am like the flower in the hardscape. I volunteer to show up for my recovery, despite the hard conditions or circumstances that come up in my life. I am not resisting anymore or finding reasons or excuses to hide and escape from things that are hard. Or, people who are difficult. I am not resisting others’ concerns or for help they may want to give me. I have a chance of resolving it and responding in a healthy way and flourishing in my life—but, I can’t do it alone.

If I can do this life sober, so can you.

I am not saying it’s easy but it is simple. Like the flower metaphor, there are people, close by beckoning us to plant into the rich soil of a sober life, to live and to flourish among others like ourselves.

Ask for help—from others and from God.

It starts with you.

Then, volunteer to show up and help somebody else.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”

Matthew 7:7

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KNOW. GO. SHOW.

In sponsoring women, I have grown so much over the years. They have taught me more than I have taught them, for sure. It seems that whatever step they are on at the time, I am working that step also. Funny how that works. 

In leading them in working the 12 steps that I traveled, I know that I am not giving them the answers. That’s not my job. I am pointing them to the questions they need to answer for themselves. Showing them how I stayed sober and worked my steps. The road I traveled—and continue to travel.

I am there to listen. Guide. Tell them my experience. Give them hope to know that it may be painful going through this process. But, knowing that God is transforming us along the way. Sometimes, it is in hindsight that we see our own growth and God’s hand on our step process. Or, others see it in us and wonder what has happened. What a gift to find that, not only can we survive without alcohol or drugs in our life—we can thrive. 

We can retrain our brains to live a productive life again, through the work that we do on ourselves in our step work. And—being willing to have God change us from the inside out over time. 

Then, as step 12 states, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”  

Passing on what was so freely given to me. Service.

A pastor that I know said these words to me once. To me, this is what it is to be a sponsor:

Know the way
Go the way
Show the way

"In all your ways submit to him, and he will direct your paths.”

Proverbs 3:6

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