THE SECRET TO MY SOBRIETY?

The secret to my sobriety is that my sobriety is not a secret!

How can we educate people about this epidemic of addiction if nobody talks about it? How can we help save those who don’t know there is a solution, if they don’t have a model to follow?

Those still struggling with their addiction need to see evidence that people can and do recover.

I want to be that evidence.

Secrets—keep the addiction firmly in place. Telling the truth—brings our addictions into the light and helps take the power out of it—giving us a chance at recovery.

There are definitely issues with anonymity, yes, I get it and honor that. However, I am out there with my own sobriety. I am so grateful and hope that by opening my mouth about my recovery, I just might help somebody else too—which is the end goal for me—To tell the truth, be grateful to God, stay sober and help others to do the same.

This excerpt below is from the back of my first book, “Free Beer Tomorrow”:

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The secret to my sobriety is that my sobriety is not a secret!

Addiction is shrouded in secrecy, lies and darkness. Separation from God.

Sobriety is staying in the light of the truth.

My prayer is that this book provides hope and inspiration for you if you are seeking to break the bonds of addiction and become the person God meant you to be.

If this book can touch one heart, help save one soul, and lead someone back to the path where they will find God—then it has served its purpose.

You are important. Life is now.

Step into the Light. Ask God for help this moment.

I did and I am forever grateful for His Grace.
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“Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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DEMOLITION

I was sitting in a women’s recovery meeting last Monday morning. I turned around to look outside at the noise happening. Not eight-feet away, was a large excavator in the process of demolishing the condemned portable building right next to us. 

It was loud, but necessary for a new, replacement building we are planning for the future. Tearing down walls, crushing mold-filled ceilings, clearing out the wreckage, stripping it down to the foundation.

My friend leaned over and said, “Heidi, I can hear your brain writing your blog for this week!”

I giggled because she was not wrong.

I couldn’t help but see the metaphor with recovery. There I was in the room next to all of this destruction, sitting in the safety of a recovery meeting. The comparison was undeniable. I remember walking into the first meeting ever 6,905 days ago feeling fear, but so ready to change and start over. 

Yes, it took courage to walk through those doors the first time, but not half as much courage as it takes to do the work of sobriety—The demolition of old ways was required, the process of recovery, then restoration.

Demolition. Recovery. Restoration.

All necessary what was going on outside my window—and necessary for the room that I was in, too. Recovery from any addiction requires the demolition of old behaviors, ways of thinking and ideas we have about how we live in the world. The tearing down of walls. Looking inside and discovering moldy patterns that don’t serve us. Clearing the wreckage of our past, right down to the foundation. 

Hard and painful work. I found this work was impossible to do alone. If I had been able to get sober on my own power, I would have done so. It’s why I continue to sit in the rooms of recovery meetings. To listen to how others face the hard and painful things and find a way through—together. Also impossible for me without God. I didn’t see a way through the mess until I admitted I was powerless and surrendered the wreckage to God. I asked Him to show me the way. Day by day—one messy-step-at-a-time.

Then, with God’s help, I was able to start the process of recovery, building from the foundation back up to restoration. 

• The 12-steps are the concrete tools for reconstruction.

• Our sponsor is the general contractor, guiding our rebuild process. 

• Other people in recovery in the rooms are the construction workers next to us wearing their own construction safety vests and hard hats. 

• God is the shield for our hearts in prayer. 

I love this life-long recovery process.

It takes work, but it’s worth it.

Won’t you join me?

“Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.”

Hosea 6:1

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THY WILL BE DONE

I love The Lord’s Prayer. We say it at the end of many of our AA meetings.

I made an interesting connection between that prayer and the 12 steps of AA. I would love to share that revelation with you—phrase by phrase.

Here we go—Step by Step and the connection to the prayer. First, the prayer.

THE LORD’S PRAYER:

“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power and the Glory for ever and ever. Amen”

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THE STEP: Step 1 We admitted that we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name.”

THE CONNECTION: Admitting we are not in power and God is.

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THE STEP: Step 2 Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Thy Kingdom come.”

THE CONNECTION: We came to know that we COULD be restored.

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THE STEP: Step 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.”

THE CONNECTION: We turned our will over to God.

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THE STEP (S): Step 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Step 5 Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Step 6 Became willing to have God remove all of our defects of character. Step 7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Give us this day our daily bread.”

THE CONNECTION: “Our daily bread” being the provision and help we receive with working steps 4 through 7—searching ourselves, truth-telling, reviewing what is not working, and staying humble.

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THE STEP: Step 8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Step 9 Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

THE CONNECTION: These two steps—8 and 9— about amending our behaviors and forgiveness

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THE STEP: Step 10 Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”

THE CONNECTION: Continue the path of searching, although we will be tempted.

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THE STEP: Step 11 Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, asking only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “For Thine is the Kingdom”

THE CONNECTION: Continue acknowledging our relationship with God.

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THE STEP: Step 12 Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “And the Power and the Glory for ever and ever. Amen.”

THE CONNECTION: The spiritual awakening to our new power through God, to help ourselves and then to help others.

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I pray that you feel the spiritual connection as I did.

“But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen.”

Matthew 6:6

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RICH BEYOND BELIEF

We have a saying in our family when something wonderful happens—

“We are rich beyond belief.”

And, it doesn’t have anything to do with money. 

Although, the origin of the exclamation came from a cute scenario. My niece and nephew were around 6-years-old. We were walking through a casino in Tahoe on our way to dinner with the whole family. My brother had stopped to drop some coins in a slot machine. He hit a $300 jackpot, then stopped and collected. We kept going to get the kids through the casino and to the restaurant. 

My nephew turned to his cousin and said with glee, “We are rich beyond belief!” We all busted out laughing at his father’s “enormous fortune,” and it has been a phrase we have all said ever since to describe our rich blessings.

This Sunday, my oldest grandson is graduating from college. We will be there. There was a time when he was little and I was still drinking that my step-son was toying with the idea of not letting me babysit my grandson because of my drinking. He told me so after I got sober.

I am happy to say that my three grandsons have never seen me drink and hopefully, never will. I have been present for all of their lives because I got sober. I would have missed it all—

I am rich beyond belief.

I am sober today by the grace of God with 6,890 days.

You can do this life sober, too.

Try it—You will be rich beyond belief.

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people.”

Ephesians 1:18

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EXPECTATIONS

Expectations are planned disappointments.

Think about it.

If we go into any given situation with expectations of what should happen, we set ourselves up for disappointment if we don’t get the expected outcome. It didn’t turn out how I expected (or wanted it to.) I was constantly setting myself up for failure. What a great excuse to check out—it didn’t go my way.

On the other hand, when you put your trust and faith in God you can expect that He will be with you and guide your thinking.

How do I stop my brain from expecting what I want and shift my thinking over to being in God’s will?

I have to say, “I am ready for this experience and will accept the outcome, whatever that is.” No expectations. Then pray and trust God for the result. I don’t have to like it, but I do get to look for the gifts along the way, and there are many.

In Step Nine of the Twelve Steps, we get to make amends. It is an exercise in apologizing for behaviors we did in our addiction and not expecting anything back.

It is about what damage I caused. The “I” message. I am sorry for this. No expectations for a certain response from them. My part only—taking ownership of what part I played in the destruction of my relationships because of my addiction behaviors.

Just because something is true, doesn’t mean it needs to be said. Sometimes those truths will be revealed later by God or by some other circumstance that brings it to light. The important thing in the amends process is to apologize for our own behavior and take responsibility for that going forward.

In the amends process, we have to also consider what our motivation is going into the amends. And—what our expectations will be coming out. Being careful not to set ourselves up for disappointment when the person does not respond how we want them to. It has to be clean. “I am sorry for this.” The end.

They may be thankful for your apology. They may not be ready to hear your apology. They may still be in upset about what was done. They may not accept it or—downright reject it. All of those responses are possible.

If we go in without expectations, we are free. That IS God’s will for us.

When you learn to live without expectations, everything is a gift.

“For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.”

2 Timothy 1:7

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ATTA BOY!

My husband has been doing a project inside our house that has taken a while. Sanding, spackling and painting on a ladder. It’s not out of his wheelhouse—just time-consuming.

There was a particularly hard spot to get to that was tight behind a spiral staircase. He had to scratch his head and think a long time about how to get there to get the job done. He dreamed of tools to get to the area. Finally, he created and built a new tool to clean the area and then built another tool to paint the hard-to-reach area.

When he was finished, he bounded into my office with a big smile on his face and said, “You have to come here. I need to show you what I did and I need your Atta Boy!”

Of course, I skipped behind him to see what he accomplished. We were both overjoyed at the accomplishment. “Atta Boy, Dick!” He had not only accomplished this difficult task, but devised new ways of attacking the problem. He had built new tools to help him along the way.

Sound familiar?—It reminded me of how this applies to sobriety.

When we finally decide to get sober, we all need “Atta boys” in our recovery journey. This is what the recovery chips are all about. The chips we give out to celebrate various lengths of sobriety are our way of encouraging each other along the way. Your sobriety becomes my sobriety. In standing with you along the way, I am investing in your sobriety time, and you in mine. Then, we get to turn around, get outside ourselves, and show others how we did it. Help them build new tools along the way that serve them better.

We get to shine the light on this new path for others and shout “Atta Boy!” (or girl) when they receive their chip. It may be for 24 hours or 24 years. The journey is shared together.

Thanks to all who have encouraged me along the way while we walk this path together.

A very special family member (not my husband) is celebrating 12-years today.

You know who you are :))))))

Atta Boy!

"Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing."

1 Thessalonians 5:11

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DRIFT

I was in a meeting listening to a woman sharing her story about how she stayed sober. She explained how she was “entering her third chapter of sobriety”—meaning, she had relapsed two times before now. She then moved into telling us how she was doing it differently this time and what was working for her.

Then, she went back and described a concept in nature I understood as a metaphor for her eventual relapses.

Drift.

When she was body surfing in the ocean edge waves, she was not paying attention to where she had first gone into the water. She was having so much fun with her friends in the waves. Much time later, she found herself exhausted, left her friends in the water and crawled up onto the beach. Not having her glasses, she threw herself down on a towel next to a person who she discovered she did not know.

She had experienced the drift of the waves taking her far down the beach. Little by little she had inched further away from her starting point.

What a metaphor for our sobriety. We can drift away from what is working and keeping us in sobriety—connecting with people, going to meetings, praying, being consistent—to where we find ourselves in a precarious place. A place that can lead to relapse.

In the recent past, I had been very anxious and not doing the things I always knew to do to maintain my sobriety. A friend who knows me, came up to me and challenged me. He said, “Heidi, I noticed that you seemed to be in relapse-mode.” I was immediately offended. But, knew what he meant. I was able to stop and look at my own behaviors and course-correct. He wasn’t talking about the actual “taking a drink” part, but the different behaviors he noticed me doing—drifting away from what I knew worked.

Little by little. Sneaky.

It took us a long time to get to our bottoms, inching our way toward destruction. It follows that it will take baby steps to get us back on course. It is a constant daily process to pay attention and not drift away from the steady course of my sobriety routine.

When I was first sober, my sponsor sat me down and said, “Heidi, I want to talk about relapse.” I told her in my arrogant way, “Oh, I’m not going to relapse.” She said, “I am not talking about when you actually take that drink. I’m talking about the behaviors leading up to that event. That is what I want to help you identify for yourself.”

Stay humble.

Stay grateful.

Stay in service.

Stay vigilant.

Stay on course and do what works.

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Matthew 23:12

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ADAPTING TO CHANGE

Earlier this year we found out that our dog, Dash, had toe cancer. When the biopsy came back, we were told that the vet needed to amputate his left front inside toe. Fortunately, she performed the surgery and got it all. He is good as new. At first, he had a little trouble going up stairs just figuring out which foot to start with first, but he figured it out, step by step. We were worried he would have trouble walking, but he barely missed a beat. He hadn’t really noticed. Dogs are so adaptable and he was no exception. 

I woke one morning some weeks later, to find my “days of sobriety” number that my husband makes for me every day, sitting on the counter by my coffeemaker. It was day 6,770. On the back was one of my more favorite stickers—dog paws. When my husband greeted me, he pointed to the little paper number and said, “How’d you like the back? Too soon?”

I hadn’t noticed, but on the sticker, he had cut out the pad of Dash’s missing toe. It was so precious, thoughtful, creative and funny—so like my husband to think of that.

It made me ponder on how it was a lot like my early sobriety when I woke every morning not drinking anymore. It often felt like a part of me had been amputated. I had to learn to live without alcohol that had been part of me for so long. 

I learned to adapt, just like my dog. Turns out, he didn’t need that toe to keep walking.

Turns out I didn’t need alcohol to keep living my life—I was adapting.

Changing. Putting new behaviors in place to help me thrive without alcohol. Just stopping wasn’t enough. Just like Dash, it took me a while to figure it out, but step by step, day by day, it was working. I was thriving. Finding new ways to cope. Meetings. Connecting with others. Praying to God for strength to navigate this new life without alcohol.

Learning how to have fun again—be funny again. Enjoying being at a party with others who are drinking and not having to drink. Feeling my feelings of joy or sadness without having to act out on my mind-numbing behavior of drinking alcohol. Having a meaningful conversation with someone without being nervous and then being able to remember it later. All so new and so rewarding finding out it was possible to live without alcohol.

The key was to keep showing up each day and experiencing that I could do this life without alcohol. It gave me the encouragement to keep going. If I can do this, so can you.

As the long version of the serenity prayer says, “…Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace…”

I’d like to encourage you to try it.

One-day-at-a-time.

One-step-at-a-time.

Just like Dash and I did :))))

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WOUND CARE

I was talking to one of my nurse friends the other day about service to others. I listen carefully when she talks about nursing, as she does this for a profession. We were talking specifically about helping others in recovery.

It is tricky. 

As we recover in our own ways, it’s natural to see others struggling in their addictions and recovery along the way and want to help them. The tricky part is being available for them without stepping over the line and wanting to “do it for them.” Someone described co-dependency to me as, “helping at the expense of myself.” That’s not helping if I lose myself in the process. Over the line. They have to do the work part of it. I am just there to support.

I have never been good at going to the doctor, nor asking for help. When I do finally ask for help, I am still reluctant to listen to the advice. Stubborn. I think my ways are working. Ha ha. Obviously not. I wouldn’t be asking for help if my ways were working, right?

With that in mind, I know what I did when I first got sober and it worked for me— Surrender to God, go to meetings and learn what was working for others, stay connected, pray and keep showing up for myself and others for the learning process. I wanted to shout it from the mountaintops, “ This stuff is working!"” 

And—they have to realize that for themselves. I can’t do it for them. They will continue to have their excuses until they realize those excuses aren’t working. I can just come alongside and be there when they are ready to be helped.

In our program we have a concept called, “cleaning up our own side of the street.” In other words, staying in your own lane. They are watching. They will see how to do it from our actions. When they ask for help, we can step in.

My nurse friend said to me, “I am trained in wound-care. I know how to dress the wound. I can show up with all the right tools, disinfectant, balm and band-aids and be ready. It won’t help them heal if they are not willing to do their part of the work to be treated and healed. It’s a process and I am there to show them how. It’s important for me to realize that I am not in charge of what’s under the Band-Aid. That responsibility lies with their higher power.”

Wow. I was struck by the great analogy for me to serve when asked. I am now being trained in “wound care” also, as I have experienced the process of recovery. It is ongoing and I continue to learn about the process each day. 

I am continuously reminded that:

Others need to want it for themselves MORE than I want it for them.

Be willing to serve when asked for help.

Share what works for me and let them discover.

"One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”  “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked."

John 5:5-8

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SHOW UP

Want to make a difference?

Suit up. Show up. Sit in the chair in a meeting and listen to God talk to you through the others speaking of their transformation stories in the room.

Make a difference.

Sometimes the quickest way out of my own head is to help somebody else. And, sometimes, that help is just showing up and sitting there. Somebody is counting on it. I am counting on it.

Last night in a meeting the topic of sharing was about what tools we use to keep ourselves sober. Somebody said they just keep coming to meetings. Another woman said, “I count on seeing Heidi when I come in here. It is comforting to know she is still here after 6,850 days of being sober. Sometimes I wonder why she is still here after all of that time?”

Believe it or not, sometimes I wonder the same thing. I was touched by what she said and it can be true for you, too. When I hear you talk, it may be exactly what I needed to hear that day in the meeting, just because YOU showed up—and I did, too. You don’t know who you are helping that day just by sitting in the chair. You are being of service by showing somebody in the room how to walk this path with others.

At the end of our meetings we hold hands and we say the serenity prayer or the Lord’s prayer and at the end, we chant, “Keep coming back. It works.”

My spin on that chant that I add and say out loud is, “Keep coming back. It’s working.”

It’s about the process. It is continuous. I need to keep showing up for myself and for you!

Show up.

Make a difference.

It’s working.

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin new each morning.”

Lamentations 3:22-23

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BEING READY

I was finally finished. Ready to stop drinking on my 50th birthday. If I hadn’t, I am afraid I would not be here writing about it. Nobody could stop me. Nobody could make me see I was killing myself slowly. Nobody could convince me by facts. Not to be reasoned with. I was irrational.

You can’t rationalize facts to someone whose decisions are based upon emotion.

I was covering up the real facts with my delusional thoughts of what was real for me in the fog of my drinking state. I had become a victim and stuck in my own behaviors. Behaviors that I believed were working for me, protecting me. They weren’t. Those behaviors were just keeping me stuck. Old behaviors. I didn’t believe I could live my life without alcohol. I didn’t even try. I had tried. But, at the end, my body was so addicted, it would not let me stop drinking. I needed it. That is addiction. My mind kept praying, “Make it stop. Make it stop.” But, I really didn’t want to stop or know how.

People who support alcoholics/addicts that they love often say, “How can they choose drugs and alcohol over their own children or family?” It is hard to understand, but at the point of addiction, it is not a choice anymore. They can’t choose anything else—without help. it is all self-focused. All survival. No looking outward.

They have to be ready to stop. Ready for change. Ready to surrender to outside help from others, including GOD.

If I could have stopped on my own power before I finally did, I would have. Only when I was ready, did I completely give myself over to God to a new way of living. Then is when my miracle happened. the obsession was lifted because I asked—because I was ready to turn it all over to God.

My sponsor said to me when the first woman I sponsored had relapsed. “Heidi, they have to want their sobriety more than you want it for them.” and, I responded, “Well, there must have been something I could have said or done?” to which she replied, “Heidi, you are not that powerful.”

It was stunning to me at the time. But the same realization I had when I knew I could not stop on my own, that surrendering to God for help was it. That was the Power I was seeking once again—or for the first time.

Then and only then, can I begin to see you. See God. I know—You were both there the whole time. My eyes weren’t open yet. I needed to see it on my own.

Thanks for waiting for me.

I love this old hymn that describes this ready point. I know you are humming the tune now!

“Open my eyes that I may see

Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;

Place in my hands the wonderful key

That shall unclasp and set me free.

Silently now I wait for Thee,

Ready, my God, Thy will to see;

Open my eyes, illumine me,

Spirit Divine!”

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JOY OF FAILURE

Joy?  

I heard someone say recently, “Joy isn’t the lack of fear and awful circumstances—It’s how you go through them."

Failure is necessary.

It brings experience, more knowledge, and growth. I thought I was a failure admitting I was an alcoholic. The failure part was in not admitting I had a problem all those years. That was my experience when I finally got sober.

Then, I began to figure out that I could live this live without alcohol. That was knowledge I didn’t have after years of failing to stop drinking.

That was growth.

Someone who survives failure—gotten to the bottom, the end of drinking—and takes alcohol out of the equation, is a success in doing just that. More importantly, we learn the unstoppable perseverance that comes from overcoming hardship. We may still suffer disappointments in our sober lives going forward, but we keep going through it. Sober this time.

We are taught from a young age that failing is bad and something to fear.

You can only be a failure if you give up.

I love the game of golf. It is a fun game and holds many life lessons. One annoying fact for me is that a 200-yard drive is equal to a 2-inch putt in stroke value. I want the good score. Knocking off strokes on the scorecard is the goal to a lower score. Yet, I can still have a good time even if I don’t score well. That is the biggest life-lesson in golf. It can still be fun, even if I am not very good at it. I learned not to give up—to keep showing up—go on to the next hole.

That’s what keeps me playing. My success at golf happens before I even get on the golf course. It starts with my attitude. It’s my frame of mind before I tee off my very first drive. “I am going to have fun today, no matter how I score.” I have already won.

Failure is inevitable in golf (and life.) Terrible drive, not-so-good fairway, goofed-up chip shots and 3-put into the hole. Bad hole. New hole coming up. Clean slate. One-hole-at-a-time.

Success is staying in the journey, one-shot-at-a-time (not my scorecard result)

This is how I view my sobriety. My life can be good and fun, even if I have messed it up before this. I am learning to stay in the game, Sober. One-day-at-a-time.

Attitude. Start the day grateful, “Thank you, God for another day of sobriety. Help me to stay in service and gratitude, no matter what happens.”

Sober.

Grateful.

One-day-at-a-time.

“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Isaiah 40:31

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REAL INDEPENDENCE

I was touched by this AA Daily Reflections reading pictured above. We read it last Saturday morning in a zoom meeting that I attend—as often as my eyes will open that early—6 am. 

Of course, I tried to express myself in the meeting by sharing and articulating how it touched me and botched it completely. In my opinion. I admit that my coffee had not kicked in yet, but I was restricted by a host of other things and all tied up in my feeble brain. Tied up in Self. I have thought a lot about it since.

The sentence that jumped out at me was this one:

"Before I became willing, I depended on myself for all my needs and I was restricted by my incompleteness.”

I was restricted by myself and my own willingness to learn more about the power that was available to me beyond myself.

Limited.

How can growth happen when I am limited by what I already know?

It can’t. I remain stuck. Limited by my own power. My own knowledge. There is no ability to learn more when I don’t have relationship. With others and God. Outside of self.

I am really independent, when I know that I am not just “dependent” on myself—IN dependent. Not dependent on self. 

Allowing full access to other knowledge and power. 

Real growth

Real faith in action.

Real independence.

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Hebrews 11:1

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HOPE

Some days it feels hopeless.

Then, I get an email from Zambia, Africa from my friend, Lena, with this photo. I sent Tammy his one year chip recently. Look at this smile of hope. Today I am filled with hope for those in recovery. Lena tirelessly gives of her time to mentor and coach the men who come into her sober living house called, Kuyamba— meaning “Starting Point, New Beginning”

If Tammy can do it, so can you and I.

If you want to feel hope today, watch this 7 minute video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjmiEVbOzlw

To find out more about African Shade and support their mission, please check out:
Africanshade.org

“…We who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”

Hebrews 6:18-19

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SURRENDER

Sometimes I look at what is happening in the world and go directly to FEAR.

False Evidence Appearing Real—F.E.A.R.

Fight or Flight. Die or save myself.

Every situation is not that extreme. But my mind does not know that.

God put that knee-jerk response in us for our protection and survival. I see or experience what is directly in front of me—what is actually happening. And, then there is my perception of things. The problem for me is how to discern between what appears to be true and what is not.

That’s when I go to God and surrender with the Serenity prayer:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And, the wisdom to know the difference.”

Help me with my perception of this situation, God. I need to accept that I am not the one to fix it or change it. And, then I can begin to have the wisdom to know the difference—aligning with God’s will and not my own.

The Serenity prayer helps me center and have peace in all things.

Thy will, not mine be done.

That is peace.

For me and for you.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7

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PAY IT FORWARD

How do I repay the debt of someone helping me when I needed it most?

Pay it forward.

Since getting sober, I have enjoyed the path of service to others like nothing else in life. When the fog of my drinking obsession was lifted by God 6,808 days ago, I learned that the best way out self was to help somebody else. I got a sponsor that helped me work the 12-steps of AA. As I transformed, I found that I could help others, too. This is the 12th Step, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs”

In fact, I might even say that I have found my purpose.

I have been blessed by God with the gift of artistic talent, which has served me well. It allowed me to enjoy a career in graphic design. I also enjoy sharing that artistic gift with others in painting dog portraits for people. The look on their faces when they see their dog come to life in a watercolor painting is such a gift of joy—the best payment of all. I always thought that was my purpose.

However, nothing gives me more satisfaction and feeling of joy and purpose than to help another person work through their problems. To help them in a way that gives them hope going forward. These are the rewards of sponsoring women through the 12 Steps of AA.

The most important thing I learned along the way was that I don’t have the answers. My job isn’t to give them answers. The job of a sponsor is to guide a person through the steps and listen. I may have opinions on what I hear, but those might not always be helpful. The main thing is to listen and to hold space for another to express their thoughts and to be heard.

I learned how to point the person back to themselves by asking key questions. My sponsor never gave me the answers. She listened and based on the facts she heard, she formed questions that challenged my current way of thinking. She asked me to look inside to find the answers. When I didn’t know, to ask God to guide me to the truth.

Only then, in my review of what came up, did I arrive at a clear perception of truth. I could either keep thinking that way and stay stuck, or course-correct. I could try a different thought and put in place other behaviors that supported the new way of thinking. In experiencing this method, I found that I could help others too.  

Pay it forward.

Magic, for you and for me. In being the mirror for others, I get to help them grow and receive that benefit for myself as well. This has given me great joy. To be sponsored through the 12-Step process. And, then turn around and sponsor others through the same process.

This is where recovery, transformation and restoration happen.

Joy and purpose.

I am grateful.

“The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:28

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SPIN CYCLE

This is such a great visual on what happens in my head—the spin cycle on the washing machine. Crazy thoughts continuously turning around in a circle coming back to the same place of aggravation. Then, adding more to the turning by adding my own spin on it and letting it cycle around in my brain once more. Then again. Churning, until the problem seems insurmountable.

What then?

Until I get it out of my head, I can’t look at it with any degree of clarity or truth. This is when my recovery meetings really help. Being with others to say out loud what is going on in my head. Once I put it out here in the world to others, either speaking it or in writing, I can get a different perspective on it. Doing this takes so much power out of the situation that was living in my head. All of the spin and judgement I was adding to it in my head falls away.

It never looks quite as ominous out here in the world where it is shared. Speaking it out or writing it on paper, I can see how this may not be the truth. That in the spin cycle in my brain, as in the laundry cycle, I can add detergent to whitewash — or add more dirt and judgement to it to blow it out of proportion. Right?

Connecting with others and talking about what is troubling me, gets it out of the dangerous territory of my brain. Others can help me gain perspective. Then, I get to give the problem to God and let go of the outcome. That is the only way I can get peace on any given situation.

I can move toward acceptance, which is a word I have always struggled with. It implies for me to just take it and “live with it.” Something in my own will that I don’t necessarily want, but have to accept. Things out of my control—there it is. I have learned to shift the word “acceptance” in my mind to this phrase in the long version of the Serenity Prayer, “…taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that you will make everything right, if I surrender to your Will.”

As it is, not as I would have it. This phrase affects me physically. It takes my control out of it. It allows me to calm down and have peace.

Try it.

• Tell somebody else—take the power out.

• Write it down in your journal.

• Give it to God and trust Him with the outcome.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Hebrews 10:24-25

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LETTING GO OF DETAILS

I find that I can wrap my brain around so many small details that there is no room for spiritual light to come in and work the magic on me. Then, I am confused, unsettled, and irritable—carrying around the meaningless stuff of this world.

That’s when I turn to the immense creation of nature—when this verse comes into my mind. I am closer to people, to animals, nature and to God when I free my mind of details of this world and be still to witness the power in the stillness and calm.

“Be still and know that I am God”

Psalm 46:10

God can’t be invited into my life to sit down and have a conversation when I am so busy with other consuming thoughts and things I need to do taking up space in my head.

When I have difficulty with this, I pray for release of the not needed information and details. Praying only for the knowledge of His Will for me and the power to carry that out. This keeps me grounded in His love and grace, as I go about each day.

Then, and only then, will I know peace.

I pray that for you, today too.

Peace.

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WALK AWAY

A recovery friend sent me an article about how dogs can teach us about conflict resolution. My pastor also preached on conflict resolution this weekend, talking about ways to deal with it. So, I guess I needed to blog about it too.

The article talked about how the author got sucked into a conflict with another dog owner at the dog park by charging back at him defensively, much likes dogs snarling at each other— instead of just walking away—not taking on what wasn’t his to carry.

I was just having this conversation with a woman the other day. I said to her the best way that I know, when someone comes at me with really high emotion (and, I know that it is not me)—

Don’t engage.

Engagement is when the battle starts and then escalates. No thinking, only reacting in anger. Peace can not come in the middle of the battle. As my pastor said, “Anger is intoxicating.” He suggested, we need to:

• Delay it.

• Take a break and calm down.

• Step out of the center of the equation and get out of victim.

• Look at why I reacted, my triggers.

• Be unprovokeable by walking away without reacting.

When I was drinking and full of my own pride, all of these suggestions went out the window. Now, in sobriety, these techniques protect me and allow me to calm down. Peace can only come when I can communicate without emotion and tell the truth with nothing added.

So hard, but worth it.

Peace through strength.

Walk away.

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

Hebrews 12:14-15

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F.I.N.E.

I’m FINE.

Really.

Well, that’s what I was hoping you would believe.

What I was presenting on the outside that covered the real story buried deep inside. Much like the stories obsessively posted on Facebook and Instagram of the perfect life, not revealing the fear and insecurities going on behind the scenes. Social media posting being another form of addiction and obsession assuring ourselves that we are FINE, getting agreement about it with likes.

One of my friends in my recovery meetings often says when she shares, “I’m from the FINE Family. Everything is fine. Don’t talk about anything, don’t feel, don’t share what’s really going on...We’re all FINE.”

F.I.N.E.— Fearful, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

When I was deep in my addiction of alcoholism, I was not dealing with what was real in my own mind, drinking and blurring reality. I couldn’t show YOU what was really going on. The only thing I knew to do was pretend. Lie. Drink more. Put on a happy face. Present a rosy exterior so you believed I was okay—FINE.

Furthermore, who really expects a deep and real answer to the question we quite often greet each other with, “How are you?” Then we respond, “FINE. How are you?”—Then we move on to surface conversation. Nobody really expects to hear, “Well, I’m not really okay. I’m a mess. I’m falling apart.”

Funny thing—

I found that answer was well-received in a recovery meeting. I didn’t expect to get a standing ovation when I said out loud for the first time, “Hi, I’m Heidi. I’m an alcoholic and I am not okay right now.”

But I did.

I go to recovery meetings now, to hear people share their real stories of how unmanageable their lives were when they stumbled into the rooms of recovery. I sit there and slowly heal by hearing others like myself tell the unpolished version of their stories and their lives. I get to hear God talk to me through them!

If I stay long enough, I get to watch transformation happen. Miracles. Slowly. One-day-at-a-time. And, watch the process turn around from the unreal picture of FINE to the grace-filled picture of FINE in sobriety—

Free, Inspired, Nourished, and Empowered.

Free from the bondage of self and addiction, Inspired to participate in life again, Nourished by the fellowship and spirituality I see in my fellows that are healing too. Empowered to purpose again and to being of maximum service to God and to others.

A different kind of FINE in sobriety.

We break the chains of secrecy by coming into the light of recovery.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

James 5:16

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