H.O.W.

This acronym of H.O.W. is the key to my sobriety.

Honesty (You can’t heal what you don’t reveal.)

Open-Mindedness (It’s not the drinking, it’s the thinking.)

Willingness (What you resist, persists.)

When I was drinking, I was sneaky, close-minded, and stubborn. Not good attributes for growth and change, right? At the end of my drinking, I just kept thinking, “I have to stop. I have to change something or this behavior is going to kill me.”

At 50 years old—when I finally surrendered to God and knew that I was unable to get sober on my own, I started to heal. I started to get honest and came out of the hiding and sneakiness. I became willing to do things differently—I finally became willing to change and to see that I could stay sober with the help of others and with God.

First three steps. “I can’t. He can. I think I’ll let Him.”

The most important thing was to be finally honest with myself. Having an honest perspective, I can see how my alcohol use affected others or caused negative situations in my life. Next, I need to be open-minded. If I am closed-minded to anything, I shut down growth, not allowing for any other solution to my problems than the one I currently had—drinking (which was not working, of course.) If I remain open-minded, I become teachable. Then, when I become willing, I am open to change. Pain is a motivator. When my behaviors cause more pain than pleasure, I am motivated to consider new options.

So, if you’re hurting and tired of living life a certain way, and you want to change, remember the acronym of H.O.W.

Be willing to go to any lengths for your recovery.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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POWER OUTAGE

I always thought that when I stopped drinking all of the fun would stop. Until the fun stopped while I was drinking. Forget fun! That wasn’t even on my radar. I had to figure out how I was going to just live this life without alcohol.

Yikes. Scary. No clue.

I was having a power outage, not knowing that I had made alcohol my higher power. When it discontinued its usefulness, I had to replace that source. That answer. That solution. It obviously wasn’t working for me anymore.

When you’re having a power outage and the lights go out, what do you do? Call for someone to fix it. Go to the source. It’s the same with my body, mind and spirit. I have to go to the source to fix it.

“God, I’m having a power outage. Please help me.”

Those words saved my life.

I was powerless over alcohol—over everything. My life had become unmanageable. Turning my will and life over to God changed everything. God did for me what I could not do for myself. The thing is…it was NEVER in my power. But, I needed to acknowledge that, and then, ask for help.

I did ask for help and God did—help me. He gave me the strength to walk out of the darkness of isolation in my addiction and into the light. Every day. This day, then the next. With His help and the help of others. Not on my own power. Alcohol was separation from God, my power source. Now I have directed access again to that power.

I promise the “fun” in your life will return. Really. I can have fun without alcohol and thrive with others like myself. I don’t have to be in that prison of my own making. There are others like me (and you) in recovery rooms. We just don’t know it yet. We have to show up to find out. Somehow we find each other and give each other that support and the hug we need—

If you are struggling, ask for help. Don’t give up. There is always hope.

Go to the source—pray.

Then, call someone and ask for help.

You are worth it.

“He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30

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EGO

"Egomaniac with an inferiority complex.” When I heard those words, after I first came into the program, I knew that was me—Self-centered and yet so insecure.

I have heard it said that “EGO—is Edging God Out”

So true. When I edge God out, or take that huge element out of the equation, I cripple myself—by thinking I am in control. God and I cannot both be in control at the same time, or there wouldn’t be a relationship. My ego must be deflated and pushed aside to commune with God.

I talk, He listens—He talks, I listen

He is in control—I have surrendered.

Have you ever clung to something so passionately that you simply could not let go? Perhaps the struggle feels like life and death. That’s how the grip of alcohol felt on me. Maybe it’s another addiction that you are clinging to. I was strong-arming God to say, I can beat this (EGO)—when in fact, at the end, I could not stop without His help.

Humble yourself and let go of the control. Let go of the alcohol, drugs or other addictions and let God nestle right in there and complete the picture for your life. I don’t think you’ll regret it.

Try putting God first.

What have you got to lose?

“For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.”

Matthew 23:12

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SURPRISED BY JOY

I am not big on being surprised. Ever. I am pretty big on being prepared. Controlled. I got this—Wow.

Me. All about me.

When I think about that, it doesn’t leave much room for anything other than what I expect or what I had planned—pretty limiting. Sounds like setting myself up for disappointment, eh? Yes. This feels like arrogance.

It is.

Admitting we don’t know the answer and being open to faith in God’s realm of possibilities—which are limitless—opens our minds to the impossible. Our minds are limited to our experiences of what we have already seen and done in this world. Faith allows for more.

Humility surprises us with the possibilities of God’s redeeming love.

I needed to let go of my arrogance, becoming humble and allowing for God to come in and redeem and bless me BEYOND what I was expecting. Surprising me with the better than expected result. This is not my natural way of thinking. I had to retrain my brain to think upside down. It’s not giving up my thinking, but submitting to another way of thinking—another viewpoint.

Out of this process, I am “Surprised by Joy” as C.S. Lewis says in his book with the same title. He describes it this way, “Joy is like a “signpost” to those lost in the woods, pointing the way, and that its appearance is not as important when we have found the road and are passing signposts every few miles.”

This was so true for me when I got sober. I found that all the joy had not been taken away from me along with the alcohol. I thought I would never be funny again. Have fun or be joyful without alcohol. Not true.

I found the road—without resistance. The road out of the woods and the little stabs of joy along the way were signposts helping me to know that I could be on this path without alcohol. I could have fun and be joyful again. The path, or the journey WAS the way. Each day stronger. Sober one more day. One more signpost.

More joy.

Surprised.

I like it.

Who knew?

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

James 1:2-4

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NEW DAY'S RESOLUTIONS

Ok, here it is—the start of a new year. 

Most people take this time to review the past year and make resolutions for the new year. Ever since I got sober 7130 days ago, I have not made resolutions for the new year.

Why?

Because my sobriety is a daily resolution to stay sober and do all the things that keep me there. I can’t wait 365 days to restart. I have to choose daily to keep on this path. To review what was not working on the previous day and course-correct for today.

What does that mean for me as a sober person?

• It means going to meetings. For me, that is 4 meetings a week. This is where I affirm my membership in my tribe. A tribe that is on the same path as me. Kinda like a gym membership, where everyone is trying to stay fit together, you know? We gather and talk with each other and stay mentally and spiritually fit. By sharing what we are struggling with today. In doing that, two things happen: One, it takes the power out of the thing I was carrying in my head to say it out loud. And, two, it may help another person acknowledge the same thing and be helped in the process also.

• It means I pray and turn my life over to God. In doing this, I acknowledge that I am not doing this journey on my own power. It helps to know that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself. I start every day with the Third Step Prayer: “God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Amen.”

• It means I connect with my sponsor or women that I sponsor to see how I can be of service today. Maybe meeting with someone to walk through their steps with them.

• It means I write in my journal on the step I am on today. Usually, it is the step of the month of the Twelve Steps: This month is Step One: “Admitted we were powerless over alcohol and that our lives had become unmanageable”

Sounds a lot like New Year’s Resolutions, don’t they?

These are the practices we are taught to perform every day in our program. 

I hear people in my meetings say how grateful they are for the 12-Steps and this process. They wish that everyone they know could have these tools to practice in their daily lives.

I do too.

There is a line in the 12th step that talks about “...practicing these principles in all our affairs.” This is so true, as we do them daily, we find that they apply to all areas of our lives, not just our sobriety—Step 12 "Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

Resolve to renew each day.

“To put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 4:22-24

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EMBRACING CHANGE

I have not done this before on my blog, but a response from a reader and friend prompted this. It is a continuation of the last blog about seeing “A New Way Out”

So, if you remember last week, I had a reading in the blog by Portia Nelson, “There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk” It was a subtle reminder of the insane behaviors we have in place that keep us stuck in our addiction.

My friend was prompted to write a not-so-subtle response to the reading. It articulates addiction in its raw form before his recovery. 

First the reading, then his response. I hope you find it as illuminating as I did.

************************************************************

There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

“I walk down the street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I fall in. 
I am lost... I am helpless.
 It isn't my fault.
 It takes forever to find a way out.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I pretend I don't see it.
 I fall in again. 
I can't believe I am in the same place.
 But, it isn't my fault.
 It still takes me a long time to get out.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I see it is there.
 I still fall in. It's a habit.
 My eyes are open.
 I know where I am.
 It is my fault. I get out immediately.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I walk around it.



I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson

************************************************************

"I read the story of the hole in the sidewalk several times. 

As I read, the falling in the hole was my drinking. It wasn't my fault. It just happened. I didn't know how to stop. I was helpless to the addiction because I did not see a way out. As it dawned on me that there were others who were sober, I saw the way out and got out of the hole. 

So I walked down the sidewalk and there was the hole. I walked right into it again, such is addiction. There I was; in the same place with the same hangover, the same self-loathing, and being lost. How would I ever get out? I knew there was a problem but it wasn't my fault. It happened one day that I saw sobriety was an option once again. I finally had a way out! I hurried down the sidewalk and pretended that the hole and my alcoholism weren't there. Into the hole I went! I knew what the problem was. It was me! 

Alcohol was my way of having emotions. It had become my happiness, sadness, celebration, rejection, and all things in between. Alcohol had taken all of life and turned it into a never-ending nightmare with no variation and no light. I recognized it now. I knew how to find my way out of the hole but I kept finding the same hole over and over knowing I would probably get out and find the same hole again. Would I kid myself it wasn't there or would I walk into it willingly on the next pass?

 It wasn't until I made an active decision to end the insane behavior and go around the hole to go down another street that the cycle was broken. The insanity acknowledged. Perhaps the new street would have a new issue to contend with, but it wouldn’t be the same hole. I would have a chance. 

I thank God every day for sobriety. It’s hard sometimes. I'm glad there are meetings and others willing to share their ups and downs in life. I'm glad to have prayer and all of the Big Book literature.”

Anonymous

************************************************************

New street.

New thinking, new behaviors.

Embracing change.

“See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”

Isaiah 43:19

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A NEW WAY OUT

Step One of our program is about surrender. About how what we have been doing is not working. Step Two is about letting go of preconceived ideas of how a Power outside of ourselves can help. It is about making room for change.

Step Two: “Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.”

Wait—

Does that mean I was insane with my drinking?

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. 

Oh, yeah. I’m not insane, but my behaviors are. Something has to change. There might be another way. This reading I heard in a meeting explains this insane pattern of behaviors in a very understandable way:

There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

“I walk down the street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I fall in. 
I am lost... I am helpless.
 It isn't my fault.
 It takes forever to find a way out.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I pretend I don't see it.
 I fall in again. 
I can't believe I am in the same place.
 But, it isn't my fault.
 It still takes me a long time to get out.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I see it is there.
 I still fall in. It's a habit.
 My eyes are open.
 I know where I am.
 It is my fault. I get out immediately.



I walk down the same street.
 There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
 I walk around it.



I walk down another street.”

― Portia Nelson

We need each other and we need our Higher Power.

Change is hard. Baby steps to a new way out.

Try it—come and join us.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

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THE HEALING PROCESS

I was walking out of an AA meeting the other day with a friend of mine. She was sharing with me about a recent interaction she had with someone she knew in our program. The conversation was confusing to her and a bit frustrating. Then she said this:

“That person is resisting the healing process and is only acting out of the capacity that she knows—I have to consider that.”

This is profound.

What a helpful thing to do. Especially now that we are sober and trying to better ourselves through recovery. That involves being with others that are like us that are trying to better themselves, too. As we arrest our own unhelpful behaviors that kept us stuck, we start having different conversations—

Conversations with the SAME people—now, WE are different.

We are healing and transforming our old addictive patterns of thinking and behaving. Not reacting out of our old ways of protecting ourselves from past hurts, but responding in loving and transformed ways to others around us. 

Thinking differently. Behaving differently. Responding differently.

We have to consider that the same people we are interacting with may not be growing at the same rate along with us. We are operating from a different context now. We have a new task—to receive others’ pain and hold it along with them. Just sitting with them. Not fixing fixing them. Not jumping in the pit with them—but coming alongside as we identify with their experiences and sharing our own. Praying with them, listening and giving them a hand to hold to guide them along the way.

Just as others did for us.

As we work the 12-steps with the people we sponsor, we start to see transformation in them. In this process, we start to experience The 9th Step Promises:  

"...No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which use to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.”

And, they will realize this, too.

Hurt people hurt people. 

Healing people help heal people.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Philippians 2:3-4

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FOGGY LENSES

When I was drinking, it felt like I was looking at everything through foggy lenses.

At first, I was just checking out to not deal with my interpretation of what was going on. Then, after living that way in the fog for so many years, I began to think I needed alcohol to take myself down a notch to deal with things. That was just the way it was. 

I was dependent upon it to be OK—Or, so I thought. I didn’t think I could live or deal with anything without alcohol. 

Not true. But, I didn’t know another way.

We say in our program, “alcohol and drugs are but a symptom.” The alcohol that I thought was helping me deal, was just fogging my vision of the truth—keeping me in the fog. It was taking me further into darkness. 

G.K. Chesterton said this, “God is like the sun; you cannot look at it, but without it you cannot look at anything else.”

I heard a woman say in a meeting yesterday, “I can truly say that there is no spirituality without physical sobriety.”

When I fully surrendered my obsession to God, the fog lifted. My lenses cleared. I could see everything clearly and was no longer dependent on a substance that was standing in the way of God’s access to me. 

What was the way out?

Walk out of the fog.

Surrender to God.

Turn on the Light.

“But all things become visible when they are exposed by the light, for everything that becomes visible is light.”

Ephesians 5:13

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STILL TIME ON THE CLOCK

So this is happening.

My youngest grandson is heading to the State Championship with his football team. We will be there. Could not be any more proud.

Greatest thrill of my life to show up as a sober Grandma.

I did not get sober until I was 50 years old. I regret all those moments and years that I missed while drinking. So grateful to have gotten sober when I did. My grandsons, now 22, 20 and 17, have never seen me drink. It chokes me up to know that, and to know that I could have missed it all.

But, I didn’t.

You don’t have to miss your life, either. It is never too late.

Choose to get back in the game today. You will not regret it. You are worth it.

There is still time on the clock.

Choose sobriety today.

Join us on the winning team.

“I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.”

Psalm 9:1

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TOO FAR AWAY

I was sitting in one of my favorite meetings the other morning listening to woman tell her story. She started out by saying how she was upset that she had gotten a ticket that morning for parking too far away from the curb. She was letting us know how she was doing a “fourth step” around this resentment that she had about the ticket. 

Step Four: "Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."

In Step 4 we deal with our resentments and fears: “Who is my resentment for?” “How did it affect me?”  Then, “What was my part in this?” A key question in processing our resentments. How do I own it and be part of the solution and not stay stuck in the mire of resentment eating at me?

In considering her part, she said, “I realized that I could pull up to the curb a little better.” 

Boy, did I relate. What a metaphor for my life. I was always dancing on the fringe—never in, never out. Not playing by all the rules. Only stepping in when it suited me. Pulling back when it got uncomfortable. Placing blame “over there” as my excuse not to be a part of anything. Never letting anyone in for fear of being involved in a way that I might have to be accountable. The picture of control.

As a little girl, I never wanted to be doing what the crowd was doing. I didn’t want to be “sheep-like.”  If you all were wearing saddle shoes because it was “in”—I had tennis shoes on. Later, when you all were on to the next trend—I would get my saddle shoes. I wanted to be different. Unique. Set apart. Special. Why?

Because I never felt unique, set apart, special. So, I decided that I was in charge of making that happen for me. Ha ha. Control. I heard one of our pastors say last week, jokingly, as she was preaching about grace and control,

“Thank you, God, for your Grace—I’ll take it from here.” Whoops. That was me. What a picture of my control. Grace is freely given by God and given by me to others. I have to be engaged to receive it—with God and with others.

You can’t be used for your uniqueness if you take yourself out of the game, right? You have to be fully engaged in community to be fully used by God. Finding the similarities and not the differences. The similarities help us engage with others, while finding the differences, separate us from others. I learned this in recovery meetings.

Now in my sober life, I am trying to “pull up to the curb a little better.” Engage and participate. Be a “part of” and not find ways to separate myself. 

Engage. 

Give. 

Serve.

"Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ."

1 Peter 4:10-11 

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WALK OUT OF THE WILDERNESS

• What is the wilderness?  Being lost. Not on the right path. Embroiled in sin and darkness. Hedonistic living. Addiction. Starving and thirst. Too much of everything. Not enough connection. Powerlessness. No light. 

• How do we get out of the wilderness? Turn on the lights again. Get up and walk—In the Bible there is a parable of a disabled man sitting by a healing pool waiting to be healed…for 38 years! Jesus sees him and asked him, “Do you want to get well?” The man proceeds to give him a number of excuses why it hasn’t happened before now (that was me.) He tells him to “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” (John 5)—We have to choose it. Turn around, look around. Look up. Turn toward the light always. 

• How do we find that path? See others who have the light burning in them. See what they are doing. DO what they are doing. Keep walking—One-Day-At-A-Time

• How do we stay on the path?  Routine. Stay connected with others in recovery. Reach out and get out of self. Feed your soul. Read and watch what fills your tank. Drink healthy waters "but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” John 4:14

• How do we show the way out of the wilderness for others?

Know the way. 

Go the way. 

Show the way.

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THE LORD'S PRAYER & THE 12-STEPS

I love The Lord’s Prayer. We say it at the end of many of our AA meetings. I posted this revelation before, but it bears repeating about the connection between the 12-Steps and The Lord’s Prayer.

I made an interesting connection between that prayer and the 12 steps of AA. I would love to share that revelation with you—phrase by phrase.

Here we go—Step by Step and the connection to the prayer. First, the prayer.

THE LORD’S PRAYER:

“Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name, Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the Kingdom, and the Power and the Glory for ever and ever. Amen”

___________________________________________________________

THE STEP: Step 1 We admitted that we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy Name.”

THE CONNECTION: Admitting we are not in power and God is.

___________________________________________________________

THE STEP: Step 2 Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Thy Kingdom come.”

THE CONNECTION: We came to know that we COULD be restored.

___________________________________________________________

THE STEP: Step 3 Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God, as we understood Him.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.”

THE CONNECTION: We turned our will over to God.

___________________________________________________________

THE STEP (S): Step 4 Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Step 5 Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Step 6 Became willing to have God remove all of our defects of character. Step 7 Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “Give us this day our daily bread.”

THE CONNECTION: “Our daily bread” being the provision and help we receive with working steps 4 through 7—searching ourselves, truth-telling, reviewing what is not working, and staying humble.

___________________________________________________________

THE STEP: Step 8 Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Step 9 Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.”

THE CONNECTION: These two steps—8 and 9— about amending our behaviors and forgiveness

___________________________________________________________

THE STEP: Step 10 Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.”

THE CONNECTION: Continue the path of searching, although we will be tempted.

___________________________________________________________

THE STEP: Step 11 Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, asking only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “For Thine is the Kingdom”

THE CONNECTION: Continue acknowledging our relationship with God.

___________________________________________________________

THE STEP: Step 12 Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry the message to others who still suffer, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

THE LORD’S PRAYER: “And the Power and the Glory for ever and ever. Amen.”

THE CONNECTION: The spiritual awakening to our new power through God, to help ourselves and then to help others.

___________________________________________________________

I pray that you feel the spiritual connection as I did.

“But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen.”

Matthew 6:6

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HANDS OFF, LOOK UP.

"You didn’t cause it, can’t control it, and can’t cure it.”

The Three Cs. This is an Al-anon slogan. I love this because it is so true and gives me great comfort, when I say it out loud—then believe it.

Al-anon is a support group for those whose lives have been affected by the alcohol (or drug use) of another person. Alcohol and drugs do not just affect the person who is active in their addiction—it affects all those around them as well. This pretty much covers everybody, right? I would be willing to bet that everybody knows an addict/alcoholic or is related to one. It is that widespread.

When I first got sober, I was happy to be in AA and around other alcoholics who thought like me and who had similar experiences like me. About three years into my sobriety, my sponsor suggested I attend an al-anon meeting because I had other addicts/alcoholics in my family. I went to one and immediately did not like it. It felt like they were sitting around talking about me, ha ha. Well, they were! They were talking about the addict/alcoholic in their life.

What I didn’t realize until after I stayed a while, is that I didn’t like it because they were talking about all the things that I had done to the people in my life while I was active in my drinking. I had to look at how my behaviors affected all those around me that I loved. It gave me a great perspective on what they were all thinking and feeling. The powerlessness they felt over the situations I was causing. 

Now, when I look at a chaotic situation in my life that involves an addict/alcoholic, I automatically go to, “How did this happen? Is it my fault? How can I fix this?” None of those are helpful questions for a solution, and usually only heighten existing tensions. That’s why this phrase of the three Cs is so important. It puts the situation in the right perspective and light and takes the pressure off of the one trying to support. 

In response to the chaos the person in my life is creating, I came up with a mantra for myself: “Hands off, look up.” This photo represents how I feel when I do this. Peace and freedom. The mantra causes me to pause and to stop focusing on the problem, then look up and pray for guidance, peace and solution for that moment. That’s it. I am praying Peace and Freedom for you in this practice. It usually works.

Hands off, look up. 

Peace and Freedom.

Try it.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:6-7

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LIFE OR DEATH

That sounds rather dramatic. 

Well, addiction is dramatic. Staying hidden within our addiction until the eventual dramatic end—or being sober. Sobriety is equally dramatic in so many ways. When we got sober and didn’t die, our lives are changed in every way—dramatically. And we can still be anonymous in sobriety to protect ourselves. Just not hiding in isolation anymore.

The recent death of Matthew Perry brings attention to the addiction issue for the general public. For the people still in their addiction and people in sobriety, we are nodding our heads in the quiet understanding of this process—and, the reminder of what the end of that road looks like for us and so many that we love. 

It doesn’t matter if we find out that Matt relapsed or not, before he died. The thing that does matter, is that Matthew Perry chose to speak about his struggle publicly, and in his book, before the end. His life and legacy in his “service to others” is how he will be remembered.

I read this very inspiring and comforting headline, "Matthew Perry Wanted to Be Remembered for Helping Others in Recovery From Addiction” Inspiring for those in recovery who are still struggling. And, comforting for those still in their addiction, to know it can be done. There is hope.

In Matthew Perry's words, “The best thing about me, bar none, is that if somebody comes to me and says, ‘I can’t stop drinking, can you help me?’ I can say ‘yes’ and follow up and do it.”  And, he did. There’s the hope.

I can say the same thing he has said here, and mean it. It is one good way I can make a difference in this life. If we are hiding in our addiction and isolating from others, no help can be received or given by others to us. All of us forget that addiction is a life or death matter. Really no middle ground here. If I can help inspire one person into sobriety today by my speaking publicly about my story, I will have made a difference.

Anonymity is something we practice in sobriety. To protect those who have chosen to join us and protection from those in their lives who don’t understand. This is a good practice. I protect those I sponsor and work with in our program through anonymity. It is not my story to tell. It is there’s. They need protection in the healing process.

I choose to not be anonymous. I have chosen to live in the light and try and shine it for others. No secrets. The secret to my sobriety is that my sobriety is not a secret—on purpose now. The secrets kept me stuck in addiction. Now, I can be of service to others who are trying to stay sober or want to get sober, but don’t know how. I want to be an example for others that it can be done. 

I realize, there is still a stigma attached to being an addict/alcoholic. Gradually, if I shed that belief, I can be used by God, to show others that the real stigma is staying in the dark—not coming out into the light. It is here in the light where you and I can be used.

If you need to be anonymous, it is so very ok! And, I encourage you to speak at AA meeting level to share your story of hope with others within our safe community.

Reach out and help someone.

Pray for those still suffering.

Choose a sober life today.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

John 10:10

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FEEL BETTER

When I arrived at my first AA meeting, I had stopped drinking. They told me that I was going to feel better. 

Well, I did physically start to feel better...

What they meant was that I was going to “feel” better—feel my feelings better. Those feelings would be right there, not numbed by alcohol. I didn’t know how to do that at first. Alcohol took the edge off of all of my emotions—sadness, anger, upset and even my joy. I didn’t have that option anymore, now that I had taken alcohol out of the equation.

I was able to feel my feelings for the first time without alcohol. New territory. There is “the other side” of those feelings. The trick was how to get there. I had always gone around my emotions or anxious thoughts by drinking, not really dealing with them. Just pushing them out to deal with later.

Or not.

Turns out, the way out for me, was pressing through it. Sometimes just sitting in a meeting and listening to others share their experience, their strength and their hope that they could choose not to drink today—just today—even in high-stress situations they were dealing with—made me feel like I might be able to do it too.

I heard a woman share that she was very anxious about going to a wedding the following weekend. How was she going to do that and not drink??

She had a plan.

Go with a sober friend for support. Water in hand at all times, and when it was going to turn into drunken crazy, have an exit plan. In our meeting the next week, she shared with us that she was soooo excited that she made it through her first wedding without drinking! She described it as a miracle.

It was a miracle because she was letting God do for her what she could not do for herself. We go through each experience one time without alcohol to know that we can. Having the experience of doing it successfully once, gives us the hope that it can be done again. One-day-at-a-time—sometimes one-minute-at-a-time, with all of our emotions that pop up. Showing up as our raw selves.

The connection with others and hearing their stories is so helpful to me. That’s why meetings work. I don’t have to do it alone. Also, being able to speak at a meeting and share it out loud, takes the power out of the crazy thought that is living in my head. Turns out, others have thought that, too. Not crazy.

Feeling a part of others and not separating in isolation helps. Praying to God for help in letting go of the things I cannot control—helps too.

Try these three things:

Go to a meeting and listen.

Share at meeting level.

Pray and let go of control.

I think you will start to feel better—just for today.

“No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

1 Corinthians 10:13

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THE ZOO

I was in heaven the first time I went to the zoo. All of those large and strange animals. Elephants, giraffes, lions, gorillas—what on earth?? Looking at these creatures made me feel small and insignificant. In a good way, if that is possible to understand. Feeling the presence of God on display through His creation. As a child, realizing for the first time it wasn’t all about my little world. There was so much more out there I needed to see and learn about. My dad saw my excitement and wonder and noted that.

I remember waking from a bad dream where our house was on fire and we couldn’t get out. I would fearfully run into my parents bedroom. My dad was on the side of the bed closest to the door. When I woke him and told him my dream, he would hold me and say, “It’s ok, Heidi, go back to bed and think about the zoo.” 

He knew I would be comforted by that, as I loved animals. Yet, when I went back to bed, I would inevitably be back in the dream with fire. This time, the zoo was on fire.

Sometimes, no matter who is there to comfort us, our minds will not settle. Self-centered fear and anxiety is all-consuming. What then? 

Even as a 10-year-old, I knew the presence of God. Nothing in this world would comfort at times. As a highly-sensitive child, all circumstances affected me in a way I could not control. I knew I was powerless then. I knew how to talk to God. It was the only thing that could calm me down.

Then I found alcohol in my late teens. I had forgotten my connection with God who was my calmer. Alcohol had become my god. It was the only thing in this world that had the power to calm me. It worked for many years. Then it didn’t.

When I finally stopped using alcohol as my calmer because my life was out of control, I realized, once again, I was powerless. Over everything, not just my addiction. I turned back to the wonder of God. 

Now, when my house is on fire (so to speak)—upset, drama in my life, fear...I hear my dad’s voice saying, “Think about the zoo.”—in other words, turn to God’s creation, look outside of selfish fear and be comforted by God. The source of all power to sustain me in times of trouble.

Surrender.

Pray.

Think about the zoo.

"For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.”

Romans 1:20

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ARMOR OF GOD

I had another blog written for today, but felt compelled to write this one, for me and for you. I hope this helps you in some way:

Fear, anxiety, despair, righteous anger, stress, overwhelm—

This is where my mind went earlier this week hearing the news of the world. That is where the enemy wants me to go—The enemy of this world and the enemy in the darkness of the spiritual realm.

That is not where God wants you and me. I cannot buy into the fear and hatred. 

How do I address this battle, this war, this force coming at me/us? 

The only way I know I can. I put on the “Full Armor of God"

First, I must acknowledge it. Know that fear and hatred it is not of God. Then, know that it is not up to me alone. I do have a choice to stand against the evil forces and partner with God in his mighty power. It is not with matched hatred and force on my part. I must be an agent of light, peace and calm. Praying for our leaders here on earth and for God’s intervention.

Our battle is not of this world, but "against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."

I urge you to pray and be an ambassador or peace today. Pray these verses for yourselves and for the world each day.

Ephesians 6:10-20

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should."

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BONDAGE OF SELF

I love this photo. A beautiful friend sent this, who knows me well. 

She knows that I am great at "stealing the pen.” (From God)

How about you?

Are you letting God lead your story instead of trying to control the narrative? I know that I WANT to give it over to God and to live in His will for my life, but sometimes, my plans seem pretty cool for today. I’m pretty happy with my way. And, sometimes (most times!) it leads me to trouble. Then, right back to God. Asking for His will for me and the power to carry that out— 

I have to look right in front of me, sometimes. Right there. Look and see it. "But, I don’t want to do that right now.”  But, God does want me to do that. Like a father with a child. He’s trying to show the best path for me. I’m the one who doesn’t want to see. 

Or, won’t see—My will.

That is why I have to pause and ask God if this is His will for me today. I start every day with the 3rd step prayer:

“God, I offer myself to Thee. To build with me and do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I might better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy love and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always. Amen.”

Such a good way for me to put down the pen and let God keep writing my story.

Two phrases in that prayer help me:  “Relieve me of the bondage of self”—that gets me out of God’s way and being self-centered. Then, having victory over my difficulties to bear witness to others—service! Great reminder that it’s not about me.

When I stopped drinking and turned my life over to God, I started being of service to others, God began writing my story the way He intended it to go. I got out of the way. It is a process of daily getting out of God’s way and my own way.

Each day I have to remember to:

Put down the pen.

Get out of God’s way.

Trust the Author.

"Thy kingdom come.Thy will be done. On earth as it is in heaven."

Matthew 6:10

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CURED

We are not cured.

But, we are freed up.

I have had people ask me, “Heidi, why do you still call yourself an alcoholic when you don’t drink anymore?” 

Because we are never cured of this disease—dis-EASE. Admitting to myself that drinking is not my solution anymore, keeps me in today. It is a process. I get to continue this path of sobriety and protect it like I would my physical condition with exercise. I need to do something every day to exercise and maintain my sobriety to keep it strong. 

Meeting and connecting with others is one of the best ways of doing that. I have never been comfortable calling alcoholism a disease. But I do know that when you have a disease, you have to actively treat it. Some diseases have a cure, but this disease does not. It is a lifelong effort of treatment for me. I have a dis-EASE with others and with life. My tendency is to check out or withdraw. That is not a treatment solution. My treatment involves reconnecting and engaging with life that helps me not withdraw and check out.

My saying that “I am an alcoholic in recovery,” says to others that I am like them and we are on this path of recovery together. We can’t do it alone. My thinking is still flawed. Talking with others and getting crazy thoughts out of my head and onto paper, helps me organize my thoughts. Helps me decide which of those thoughts serve me and which don’t—that I can discard. Saying it out loud in meetings helps take the power out of it for me.

I have little phrases or mantras to keep me focused. One of them is “look up.” I can get focused on obsessing about all I am doing, staying self-centered. Or I can look up and around me where I might be of service to another, taking the focus off of me. Then, I look up further to focus on God and what is not mine to fix or change—”pray up.” Praying for God’s will for me and asking for the power to carry that out. 

Another phrase I use on myself is, “just show up.” Sometimes I don’t want to be with people or I don’t feel “on” so I want to cancel a commitment. I can’t. That starts the process backward of hiding or checking out. I have to show up, whether I want to or not. Sometimes it is just what I need to stay sober and reconnect for that day.

I am not cured or fixed. I am still working on me. God is working on me. The difference now is that I am not drinking and fully present for that to happen. Try these treatments that I use, for yourself today.

Look up.

Show up.

Meet up.

Pray up.

“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.”

Jeremiah 33:6

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