The Paradox of Surrender

When I first got sober, I felt that surrender was “giving up” when, in fact, it was the first step in gaining power back. Yes, I had to “give up” the alcohol to begin my recovery. I wasn’t “giving up” on me—I was admitting I was powerless over my addiction. I had to stop fighting, to stop resisting everything in life, including the illusive power I thought I had over my addiction. I had none.

Addiction is tricky. We think we are managing our drinking just fine, when in reality, it is managing us. I had to completely surrender–

The dictionary definition of Paradox:

“Apparently self-contradictory statement whose underlying meaning is revealed only by careful scrutiny. In poetry, PARADOX functions as a device encompassing the tensions of error and truth simultaneously, When a paradox is compressed into two words, as in “living death,” it is called an oxymoron.”

I had become an oxymoron. I was alive, but spiritually dead—unable to respond. This is how alcohol was for me. It made it easier for me to be me. But the truth was that it took me further from the real me and from God. When I surrendered my will, it all changed.

The paradox is that I became more powerful when I surrendered to God. Prayer is the door we open to access that power that is available to us all of the time.

All we have to do is surrender to gain power. 

Then give it away to keep it :)))

Thy will, not mine, be done.

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires;  to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.” 

Ephesians 4:22-24

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UNACCOMPANIED MINOR

Most airlines you can purchase a service for minors flying alone: 

"Our unaccompanied minor service is required for kids who are traveling alone.” United Airlines

Boy that description describes most people who suffer from addiction.

It sometimes felt like I was doing this life on my own—like a parent putting their child on a flight by themselves—an unaccompanied minor. Flying solo. Drinking as I got older made me feel able to be more “a part of” the scene. More relaxed. Fears calmed. More adult. Confident that I could fit in with others and be ok. Accompanied—In reality, it took me further away from my true self and from others.

Maybe that’s why they serve alcohol on planes? For all the unaccompanied minors on the aircraft. In my alcoholism, I was MORE of an unaccompanied minor. My behaviors were random, unreliable, and unpredictable. Childlike. 

The late Matthew Perry said this about his journey in addiction:

"I was so often on the outside looking in, still that kid up in the clouds on a flight to somewhere else, unaccompanied.”  Matthew Perry

How was I to live this life without my best friend, alcohol? What was the solution to my disease of alcoholism and addiction? It took me many years to get there, but I finally found my answer…Connection. When I took the alcohol out of the mix, I was able to reconnect. 

Connection and surrender to God, who is always with me. God always was with me, I was just separated from access to His power when I was drinking. And, connection with others people like myself (meetings.) I never have to be alone. 

With God and connection with others, I am never unaccompanied in this life.

Sober. 

Fully present. 

Connected. 

Try it. It’s free :)

“Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.” Psalm 73:23

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PROFESSIONAL STUDENT

Last week in my favorite women’s AA meeting, I heard a woman with many years of sobriety sharing how she got sober in the 80’s. She was sharing about a woman she was sponsoring coming up on a year of sobriety. While sharing, she accidentally said this, “She was getting many days lined up in a row and was coming up on her “A”—oh, I’m sorry, I meant coming up on her YEAR!”

This mistake really spoke to me, as I related to wanting to get the “A” in everything. Being performance-driven, I always had to get the “A” or push toward graduating. On the other hand, I LOVED school and being a student, so I didn’t want to graduate. If I could have been a professional student, I would have been.

When I was 50-years-old and ended up at the bottom of my drinking, I found recovery and started to go to AA meetings. A few months into the program, someone asked me if I had done “90 in 90” and asked what that was—It is 90 meetings in 90 days. 

Being the willing an “anxious-to-do-this-right” student of the program, I got out my calendar. I marked on my calendar all the meetings I would go to and started in. Well, I ended up doing MORE than 90 meetings in 90 days, being the over-achiever that I am.

At the end of this process, I said, “Now what?” I realized the answer to that was that this was the plan. This was my life now, with all of these meetings. My behaviors were set in a new pattern. A new habit and plan for living that didn’t involve alcohol. Such a great revelation for me.

In realizing that going to meetings was continuous and ongoing, I was happy to know that I would never graduate from this recovery program. I had achieved my “professional student” status and was pleased. Now, I attend 4 meetings a week. It is a part of my life of continuous learning, from others and from God, how to live my life without alcohol.

Love my life as a sober, professional student.

I am grateful for continuous learning.

“Rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with gratefulness.” Colossians 2:7

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ANY MEANS NECESSARY

When I first got sober this phrase, “By any means necessary” became my mantra. What was I willing to do to stay sober? I was not going to go back to that way of life with alcohol. So, I did what others before me did. I listened to those in the meeting rooms and my sponsor. I worked through the 12-steps. I did what was required to retrain my brain to live sober—by any means necessary.

I was thinking back on the Pandemic and how terrible that was for alcoholics and addicts. Stay secluded and isolated. Don’t be with anybody—the things most dangerous for addiction to flourish. We need connection—to be with each other, talk and stay out of isolation (isolation—where we could hide and drink and use) 

I did not like Zoom. But it saved us during the shutdown. We were able to have meetings online for a time. Not the same as in person. People could show up on screen and still be drinking. So easy. How would we know? I had serious doubts about people staying sober through this. Even more serious doubt about anybody getting sober for the first time. During that time, Zoom meetings became “any means necessary” not ideal, but all we had. 

Later that summer 2020 during the pandemic, the CZU fires broke out in Santa Cruz County. Friends (a couple) came to live with us for a 11 days while they were evacuated from Mount Hermon. He was a pastor, and at that time, was leading that MH Christian Conference Center. While they were here, after dinner we would listen to the fire update all together upstairs, then I would go down to my office where I would lead a Zoom AA meeting for our church online for an hour each night. On my way down the stairs, our pastor friend would call out to me, “Give 'em Heaven, Heidi!” 

I loved that so much. It reminded me that this was my purpose, to carry God’s message to those who still suffer. I was blessed by that man encouraging me to shine through the difficult times.

And, so I did.

Just as God is in the rooms of live meetings today as we are reconnected, God permeated the Zoom meetings of AA while it was our only means of connection. I tried to be the light and bring my knowledge of how to stay sober and pray with them and point them to God. 

Shortly after that, during the shutdown, our church allowed us to meet in the church back parking lot outside to hold our recovery meetings in person. Another blessing. Wrapped in our blankets in beach chairs at night in that parking lot, not seeing each other in the dark—but knowing we were there together to support each other. We shared our recovery with those who did not know how to do this recovery thing. We did it—by any means necessary. 

We got through that with the help of others and God. It reminds us that we can…

Stay sober no matter what.

Know God is with us in hard times

Do all it takes—

By any means necessary. 

“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”

Hebrews 12:11

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BECOME THE CHANGE

While driving the other day, I heard a song on the radio. I didn’t know the song, but the lyric that screamed at me was this line:

“I couldn’t make the change, so You became the change in me.”

Wow, that requires surrender.

My controls on my life and behaviors (my drinking) were not working—however hard I worked on convincing myself that they were.

Surrender to gain power.

Once I let go and let God in to do the work in me, the power to do the work that I needed to do now, was accessible to me. It became easier to walk in that direction of change. It was not necessarily logical. In fact, it was rather miraculous.

I didn’t have to do this life on my own power. Well, that’s a relief.

In the literature of our program of recovery there is a line that says, God did for me what I could not do for myself. My upbringing was all about being responsible and making sure you followed the rules and did everything “right”—ok, what is “right”? Isn’t that relative to what the rules are and the rule-maker?

When I figured out God wanted me to succeed and that He was rooting for me—not here to “trip me up” and punish me for bad behavior, I realized that the guidelines/rules were there for me to succeed, not to fail.

Grace.

It’s not about right or wrong, success or failure—it is about figuring out that we have a choice each moment to do the NEXT right thing for that moment based on the information we have before us and trusting that if I surrender my will, God’s Will, can—and will be done.

Collaboration. The pressure is off. I don’t have to perform. I have a power source to lean on and depend upon. My weakness doesn’t have to define me. It can be an example for others that they can do this life sober too—

With God’s help.

And, I will be here for you too.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
2 Corinthians 12:9

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ONE AMONG MANY

I spent many years trying to succeed and be the best at everything. It was all about performance and “standing out.” There was so much pressure in that. The greatest judge of whether I was succeeding or not was me. It was too much work, exhausting and unfulfilling. I found my drinking escalating to help me cope with that high bar I had placed for myself. 

When I hit my bottom of drinking, I could not hold all of that together anymore by myself. When I found recovery meetings, they told me when I was broken and lost to “stay at the center of the herd” Just as in the animal kingdom, many packs hide their young at the center of the herd for them to not to be picked off by predators while standing on the perimeter.

I also found that I could not just stand on the perimeter of this program of recovery, one foot in and one foot out—I had to jump in with both feet. In the Big Book of AA, it says, “Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon...No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."

Until I understood that the others in recovery were there showing me how to do this life sober, I had to stay in the middle of the herd and learn under their protection. I had to stop thinking I knew how to do this on my own. In the chapter on “How It Works” of the Big Book of AA it says, "First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom."

The longer we stay together in the meetings, learn, and trust God, we get stronger and become able to stand strong for the others in the group who are still suffering. I became one among many which was a comforting place to be for me alongside my fellows in sobriety. No standing out. No pressure of being the best at this. Once I figured out that it wasn’t all about me anymore, I could finally get out of my own way and be of service to God and to others within the group. Everyone brings different gifts to the table.

We can’t do this alone. I love surrounding those who need to stay in the middle of the herd while they are in their suffering. I don’t need to stand out any longer. I understand and love being One Among Many.

Grateful to know there is a way out.

Grateful to be able to show the way.

Grateful to be of service in this way.

1 Corinthians 12:4-6

"There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work."

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ROUTINE.

These days, I can over-complicate my life and get into overwhelm quickly. I don’t have the bandwidth for chaos, which in my drinking days I seemed to thrive upon. Sometimes I have to just pull back and be quiet. Start with where my feet are. Right here. Today. Return to the basics of my own routine of recovery. I need to do what works to keep me centered. 

Routine: a regular course of procedure.

When I was drinking, my life was scattered and chaotic. Drinking helped me quiet the chaos, especially in my mind. When I stopped drinking, I was still in my brain and the thinking was still there. I had to learn another way to quiet my thinking and acting. Going to meetings helped with that. Sitting and listening to others share their hopeful experiences of how they did that.

When I first got sober, someone in an AA meeting came up to me and said, “have you done 90 in 90 yet?” Of course, I didn’t know what that was. They told me to do 90 meetings in 90 days. 

That gave me a focus. All I had to do was go to a meeting every day for 90 days? Ok, I can do that. In fact, being the obsessive person that I am, I got out my calendar and marked all the meetings I was going to attend. I began the process. I also attended more than one meeting in a day and ended up doing MORE than 90 meetings in 90 days! Little over-achiever that I am, ha ha. When I got to the end, I thought, “Now, what?”—It occured to me that it was now a part of my daily routine and my life. 

What a concept. 

Retraining my brain to incorporate those meetings into my daily life. Routine Maintenance. I used to despise the word routine, because it seemed so boring. But now I count on it for my stability. 

We can break the cycle of addiction, which is partly habit (routine.) The addiction cycle is what we think works for us, but in reality, is temporary and not helpful for a healthy lifestyle.

Now, I count on the basic routine every day: 

• Surrender to God 

• Say the Third Step Prayer each morning 

• Connect with others

• Go to meetings

• Pray for God’s Will for how to serve others.

The Third Step Prayer

"God, I offer myself to Thee—
To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always! Amen."

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Number Our Days

“Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom” Psalm 90:12 

My husband took this verse literally and started helping me stay sober from day one. When I finally surrendered to God and stopped drinking, we called our friend, Dan, to ask him what should we do now that I had decided to stop drinking? Dan suggested that Dick make a little number for me that I carry in my pocket every day. I have kept every one them. 

Yes, by the grace of God, I stopped drinking 7,318 days ago, which is over 20 years now. I still count the days because this day is all I have…it’s all any of us has, right?

This is accountability. For me and for him and for others. He has faithfully created these numbers for me each day, for 7,318 days in a row. It keeps me in today—not in the past nor obsessing on future “what if’s”

I get to show up every day for others to show them the way too!

Join us Today.

You won’t regret it.

"This is the day the Lord has made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

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EVERYBODY KNOWS YOUR NAME

It’s funny, a friend mentioned in our recovery meeting the other night that he found himself singing the Cheers theme song (TV show from the 80’s). The song was about going to the same bar and drinking where “everybody knows your name.”

He was speaking of what happens in our recovery meetings. It is a safe place to go and be known and heard—where everybody knows your name—without the alcohol part. It makes so much sense.

Our meetings are the same concept. We meet. We share with each other in honesty and fellowship. We talk about the bad and celebrate the good with each other and cheer each other on. The sharing of the hard stuff and having others relate is so bonding. It creates a safe space for others to do the same.

Recovery meetings. There is no other venue in the world like it. The same concept that drove us to the bar, now drives us to meetings—again, without the alcohol. We find fellowship and understanding. Camaraderie—close friendships, teammates, loyalty. We share unique understanding of where our addictions and compulsions have taken us. Then we hear how others have come through the hardships and tragedies without having to drink or use. We learn from each other and support when there is no obvious answer to our dilemmas. We find a spiritual connection with God and each other. Our trust gets stronger. In God, in each other and the process itself.

We see how our progress and transformation can help others. Just by showing up to meetings and sharing, we are being of service to others. The “habit” of meetings gets established to replace the old habit of checking out as our solution. What a concept. We say at the end of each meeting “Keep coming back, it works.” Or as I like to say, “It’s working.” Which implies the process is continuous and ongoing.

We hope you join us on this path to recovery, where…

Everybody knows your name.

Cheers to Recovery!

Cheers—Where Everybody Knows Your Name (Theme song)

“Making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. Taking a break from all your worries, sure would help a lot. Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go…Where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came. You wanna be where you can see, our troubles are all the same, You wanna be where everybody knows Your name.”

“Do not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Hebrews 10:25

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MAKING BETTER CHOICES

I was practicing making bad choices over and over during my drinking days. Not only the drinking, but selfish decisions for myself based only on what I wanted or needed. The drinking was a symptom and coverup for my selfish thinking. When I got sober, I had to rethink my attitude and problem-solving methods. The way I responded to life in general. Like a child. Relearning (or learning for the first time) how to behave responsibly with others and in the world.

Recently, I got to travel to Colorado to see my niece and nephews and their children. What a blessing to be with them. While watching my niece discipline her youngest girl (almost 5), I got to witness her parenting style. So good. One of the things she said in a very calm voice, to her daughter after she’d just had some aggressive behavior toward her brother (him crying in the background), was this phrase, 

“Maybe next time you could make a better choice.” 

Wow.

I needed to hear that. This phrase is packed with meaning for us all:

It wasn’t punitive or accusatory. It was a helpful suggestion. Involving the child in the process of what just went on. It put what just happened squarely on her daughter’s shoulders without condemnation. It let her know the next behavior choice was on her. Accountability. Without a threat of punishment, her mind was freed up to look at what she had done and make the connection of how it affected others. It helped her own it and look at how her behavior had hurt someone else. Then make apologies.

This hit home for me. This last paragraph sounds like the recovery program and how the 12-step process begins to restore us after practicing our addictions and bad behaviors for so long—

Recovery begins the process of making better choices for our lives.

Today, I have 7,305 days of sobriety. That is 20 years. I choose to stay in today and still count the days because this day is all I have. I am sober today. 

Over the days (and years) of my sobriety, I have learned new behaviors to respond to life in this recovery program. I prayed for God to remove the obsession of alcohol. He did. I became willing to learn new ways and do the work to maintain that. Then, I got a sponsor, who guided me through the 12-steps. I still attend 4 meetings a week. I began to turn my attitude and thinking outward toward helping others. I sponsor many other women how I was sponsored. I show up each day for God’s work and service to give away what was so freely given to me. I pray that you join us in recovery.

Through this process, I have learned new behaviors and I am now...

Making Better Choices.

Humbled and grateful for sobriety this day.

“Show me your ways, LORD, teach me your paths.” Psalm 25:4

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RESTING ON LAURELS.

NO.

I should hope not.

Today, I celebrate 7,298 days of sobriety.

I STILL have to be vigilant every day—that’s why I am still counting the days after almost 20 years.

The laurel wreath is a symbol of triumph and is worn as a chaplet around the head awarded to victors in athletic competitions, including the ancient Olympics. If someone is resting on their laurels, they appear to be satisfied with the things they have achieved and have stopped putting effort into what they are doing.

Dangerous.

When I rest on my laurels, things will progressively get worse. Then—relapse.

No, thank you.

I have a daily reprieve based on my spiritual condition—today is all I have.

“It is easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels. We are headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. Every day is a day when we must carry the vision of God’s will into all of our activities. ‘How can I best serve Thee – Thy will (not mine) be done.’ These are thoughts, which must go with us constantly. We can exercise our will power along this line all we wish. It is the proper use of the will.” (PAGE 85, Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous)

What is my spiritual program of action for today?

• Surrendering to God
• Working the 12-steps continuously
• Service to others
• Meetings

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

1 Peter 5:8

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GOD AND DOG

My husband and I are so excited, we are beside ourselves with glee.

As I wrote about a few blogs ago, we suffered the loss of my brother in late April—10 days later, we lost our 13-year-old dog, Dash. We went on vacation after that and got home this past Tuesday. We literally went the next day to the rescue shelter. There was Kula, our new dog, waiting for us. Adopted him the same day.

When I finally got sober from alcohol 7,291 days ago, the end of my drinking included another human death and dog death close together. I drank myself to my bottom over that. This time is different.

I don’t need to drink over the loss of my brother and Dash, our dog.

God has sustained me through the sadness and loss—so will Kula, our new rescue boy.

I am reminded of this sweet video of  “God and Dog” by Wendy Francisco. I have included the link here to watch below (copy paste to browser.) Also the lyrics. I am quite sure God knew what he was doing putting dogs in our lives—I am always the one who walks away from God—Dogs are there to remind us that God is there to “dance at my return with glee”

Enjoy this video link and the lyrics below, reminding us that God is always the way back from all things! He never leaves us.

******************************************************

GoD And DoG by Wendy J Francisco

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H17edn_RZoY

"I look up and I see God, I look down and see my dog.
Simple spelling G O D, same word backwards, D O G.
They would stay with me all day. I'm the one who walks away.
But both of them just wait for me, and dance at my return with glee.
Both love me no matter what - divine God and canine mutt.
I take it hard each time I fail, but God forgives, dog wags his tail.
God thought up and made the dog, dog reflects a part of God.
I've seen love from both sides now, it's everywhere, amen, bow wow.
I look up and I see God, I look down and see my dog.
And in my human frailty...I can't match their love for me." 

******************************************************

“LORD, our Lord, how majestic is your name in all the earth!”

Psalm 8:9

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UNSEEN PILOT

One of my nephews is a commercial airline pilot. He texted this photo from the cockpit while flying to Honolulu last week. Don’t worry, I scolded him for “texting while flying an airliner” ha ha. He is the one up there in the cockpit getting you to where is says on your airline ticket. He has worked very hard to get to his current position. I am very proud of him.

We don’t often think about the person up there flying this big beast and what it took for that person to be qualified to do that. We often hear them telling us over the in-flight audio system that he’s flying us at about 30,000 feet over some wonderful ocean or landmass. He doesn’t tell us every detail of how he got us up there cruising peacefully or what it takes to get us back on the ground safely…this is crazy for me to think about. 

We just get on a plane, rarely looking left to the people in the cockpit and all that has to happen in the next couple of hours. We just turn right, head to our seat, get settled in comfort for our flight and TRUST.

What? Trust who? Trust what?

The process and God. When I get in that seat on the plane, I pray for the pilot who I did not see when I got on that plane. I trust God to guide that person to fly the plane. I pray to the unseen pilot—God that is controlling my life and all that goes on to keep us safe. Guess what? The pilot has to trust the process and God too, for him to get us safely to our destination. I want the person who trusts the God of the universe flying the plane. I know my nephew does.

This nephew's true purpose does not lie in his ability to be an airline pilot, but in his God-given gifts of teaching and showing others the way. God has used him in a most-powerful and purposeful way in teaching. Showing others how to fly and also how to navigate their lives by faith.

I had a pretty successful career in graphic design. God gave me those talents and I used them along the way to be successful in that career. How God is using me now to serve has very little to do with the “talents” and “skills” he gave me to draw, paint and design. My true purpose was found in my experiences in life—now being used after I went to my bottom of alcoholism. Serving others is my purpose. Exactly how God designed me.

I didn’t want to be an alcoholic. After surrendering my life to God and finding the path to recovery, completing the 12-steps with my sponsor, I began using my God-given gift—the gift of helping others in recovery for his purpose—to teach others how to stay on this path of recovery. Then for them to go out and do that for others and show the way. First, I had to walk the path and trust the process. Reinvention is often painful. Flying this life solo is not an option anymore. Not in my will.

It starts by trusting our “unseen pilot, God” Then looking for the evidence right in front of us where God has put a need. Trust the process and remember how you got here. Know that it is not blind faith, but informed faith in the “how” of God using you. I’m still learning and will continue to learn. I can see evidence along the way of God’s hand on my past and where He has brought me so far, giving me hope for a future—How and where God meant me to be. I trust my unseen pilot in this process to show me His will, not mine for the work and purpose he has fashioned for me. 

Don’t fly solo.

Trust the process.

His Will not mine be done.

“Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.” Matthew 6:10

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CURED.

We are not cured.

But, we are freed up.

I have had people ask me, “Heidi, why do you still call yourself an alcoholic when you don’t drink anymore?” 

Because we are never cured of this disease—dis-EASE. Admitting to myself that drinking is not my solution anymore, keeps me in today. It is a process. I get to continue this path of sobriety and protect it like I would my physical condition with exercise. I need to do something every day to exercise and maintain my sobriety to keep it strong. 

I know that when you have a disease, you have to actively treat it. Some diseases have a cure, but this disease does not. It is a lifelong effort of treatment for me. Treatment involves connecting and engaging with life. Meetings are my medicine.

My saying that “I am an alcoholic in recovery,” says to others that I am like them and we are on this path of recovery together. We can’t do it alone. My thinking is still flawed. Talking with others and getting crazy thoughts out of my head and onto paper, helps me organize my thoughts. Helps me decide which of those thoughts serve me and which I can discard. Saying it out loud in meetings helps take the power out of it for me.

I have phrases or mantras to keep me focused. One of them is “look up.” I can obsess about all I am doing, staying self-centered. Or I can look up around me where I might be of service to another, taking the focus off of me. Then, I look up and focus on God, giving him what is not mine to fix or change—”pray up.” Praying for God’s will for me and asking for the power to carry that out. 

Another phrase I use on myself is, “just show up.” Sometimes I don’t want to be with people or I don’t feel “on” so I want to cancel a commitment. That starts the process backward of hiding or checking out. I have to show up, whether I want to or not. Sometimes it is just what I need to do to stay sober and reconnect for that day.

I am not cured or fixed. I am still working on me. God is working on me. The difference now is that I am not drinking and fully present for that to happen. Try these treatments that I use, for yourself today.

Look up.

Pray up.

Show up.

Meet up.

“Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.”

Jeremiah 33:6

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EYE ROLL

When I first got sober, I was very much in self-will about life in general. And, drinking specifically. I tried to stop drinking on my own. I found I could not stop on my own. I was not capable of admitting I was powerless over alcohol or my thinking—over everything, for that matter. If I could have stopped on my own, I would have.

I wanted to play in this world on my terms. My will. I needed alcohol to cope with everything, including how others were behaving. Not considering my own behaviors and coping-mechanisms. It was easier to check out and not think about it—not engage with you because it wasn’t the way I wanted to do it. Never considering another person’s opinion or what they were suggesting might make sense. As in, suggesting I might get sober and work the 12-steps and look at a few things differently.

When I finally surrendered my will over to God, I was able to stop drinking, change my behaviors, my thinking and my attitude. I got a sponsor and worked the 12-steps. I was available again for, not only myself, but available for you. Not through my will, but God’s Will. I needed to be willing.

I find myself eye-rolling more than I want to. This is one of my indicators that I am not at peace and accepting this world as it is—not as I would have it.

What does that mean?

It means I am remaining in my head and judging everything around me. Not accepting that person, place or thing for what it is. That assumes I have all the answers and I am right all of the time. Pronouncing on others: “You aren’t doing it right. That is a ridiculous decision. You are crazy for thinking that…” Then dismissing them and walking away. Eye-rolling when I don’t agree or it doesn’t align with my perspective, which I deemed always correct, ha ha. I have discovered that God did not leave me in charge of any given situation. This is arrogance on my part.

If I decide to judge you or your thoughts as, “not worth my time” I become the loser in the situation. If I open my mind, I may actually learn something I don’t know. When I become humble and practice listening, stop eye-rolling and throwing shade, I can ask, “Tell me more about why you think that way? What is your motivation behind that behavior.”

I might be surprised at what I discover about this person. I have to be willing to wade into the mess with others like they did with me. Like God did with me. To not jump into the pit with them and take it on myself, but just receive what they are saying. Pray with them. I can be of service in this way.

That’s what someone did for me when I got sober—

They reached out.

They listened.

They cared.

They prayed.

God’s Will, not mine, be done.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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OFF SWITCH

A phrase I remember my dad saying to me when I was little was,

 “Heidi, do everything in moderation.”

What? Where is the fun in that?

When I was drinking, moderation didn’t get the job done. It was boring. I was all in or not at all. Rarely the “not at all” part. Ha ha. If two beers were good, five or six would be way more fun. More is better right?

Wrong—I didn’t have an “off” switch. There was no setting in my brain for less—just all or none. Once I was into the drinking, there was no thinking or reasoning beyond that—just more.

That is the addictive mind. 

Can you relate?  You might have questions like:

• How did you find the “off" switch? 

• How did you not drink the first one?

• How did you have fun without alcohol?

I know you have more questions…but the simple answer to all of these in sobriety is that I had to retrain my brain to think and choose differently.

First, I could not do it alone. I had to surrender to help from God. Pray for strength. Then, be with others in meetings making the same journey. Seeing how others, like myself lived their lives sober and productive. Finding out there is hope for change, I want to serve others and give them hope too. When I stopped drinking just for this day, I found out that I could get through one day without alcohol. Then I tried it again the next day. A little weird at first, feeling vulnerable, helpless, shaky. The next day became a little easier.

Going through an experience the first time without alcohol and knowing it is possible to be with people and laugh and have fun, lets me know it can be done. Letting my body get used to functioning with out it, or more importantly, my brain getting used to it. My thoughts became clearer. Then my actions followed. Physical activity helped. Walking, exercise, getting out and connecting with others.

In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous, Dr. William Silkworth referred to alcoholism as “an allergy of the body and obsession of the mind.” —“one is too many, a thousand is never enough,” when referencing how the craving can take over.

Once we get past the physical withdrawal, we need to deal with the mind. Our thinking is still there…healthy responses to our thoughts need to be retrained. It is like exercise, not a “one and done” thing. A routine that needs to be repeated to retrain my brain. I find meetings really helpful to hear others share their process.

I don’t need the extremes to thrive. It is possible to live in the middle ground of peace. You don’t have to go it alone.

Surrender. Pray. Meet. Serve.

You can do this.

I know it is possible.

Come join us.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Romans 12:2

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F.I.N.E.

I’m Fine.

Really.

Well, that’s what I was hoping you would believe—what I was presenting on the outside that covered the real story buried deep inside. Much like the stories obsessively posted on Facebook and Instagram of the perfect life, not revealing the fear and insecurities going on behind the scenes. Social media posting being another form of addiction and obsession assuring ourselves that we are FINE and getting agreement about it with Likes.

One of my friends in my recovery meetings often says when she shares, “I’m from the FINE Family. Everything is fine. We don’t talk about anything, don’t feel, don’t share what’s really going on...”

F.I.N.E. — Fearful, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

When I was deep in my disease of alcoholism, I was not dealing with what was real in my own mind, but drinking and blurring reality. Outside of my mind, I thought I was I expected to show YOU what was going on inside. The only thing I knew to do was pretend. Lie. Drink more. Put on a happy face. Present a rosy exterior so you believed I was okay—FINE.

Furthermore, who really expects a deep and real answer to the question we quite often greet each other with, “How are you?” “Fine. How are you?” Then we move on to surface conversation. Nobody really expects to hear, “Well, I’m not really okay. I’m a mess. I’m falling apart.”

That last answer is well-received in a recovery meeting. Whew, good thing!

I go there to hear people share their real stories of how unmanageable their lives were when they stumbled into the rooms of recovery. Then, we sit there in our meetings and slowly heal by hearing others like ourselves tell the unpolished version of their story and their life.

If I stay long enough, I get to watch transformation happen. The miracles. Slowly. One-day at-a-time. And, watch the process turn around from the unreal picture of FINE, to the grace-filled picture of FINE in sobriety—

F.I.N.E. — Free, Inspired, Nourished, and Empowered.

Free from the bondage of self and addiction, Inspired to participate in life again, Nourished by the fellowship and spirituality I see in my fellows that are healing too. And, Empowered to purpose again and to being of maximum service to God and to others.

We break the chains of secrecy by coming into the light of recovery.

A different kind of FINE in sobriety.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

James 5:16

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MY QUIET BOYS

Very recently, I lost my brother and then, my dog, ten days later. Both were struggling with their bodies not working anymore. Loss is hard in any case. The tears have been nonstop. I am grappling with holding Joy and Sadness in the same space. As a friend said to me, “It’s amazing how God created us to be able to hold seemingly contradictory emotions inside us at the same time.”

So true.

And, my nephew said to me, “I do believe this is where the Holy Spirit comes through as our comforter and gives us assurance that we humans don’t know how to give to one another.” he also said, “Roger was the quietest in the room and yet everyone was drawn to him.” 

I could say that about both Roger AND my dog, Dash, my quiet boys—exuding love without words most of the time (Dash, all of the time.) My older brother, always there by my side. My dog, always there by my feet. 

There is a Hebrew word from the Bible that describes this kind of love—Hesed—Steadfast. Devoted. Loyal. Unending love. 

My recovery story includes two deaths (dog and human) taking me to my bottom almost 20 years ago…putting my 16-year-old dog, Willy, to sleep and within a month, experiencing the death of a family member being killed in Afghanistan. After losing those two, I drank—never drawing a sober breath until July 12th 2004, when I got sober. 

Drinking was my answer to the pain of loss then. Here I am now, again—

Drinking is NOT my answer now. 

I know what to do now. Pray and stay connected to others. Let myself feel the sadness and the joy of the memories. 

I know God has us covered and I feel peace. I CAN walk through this without checking out. I want to feel all of the emotions and crushing sadness because it is proof of the love I had for them both. Different kinds of love, but the sting of loss feels the same.

Pressing through the sadness to get to remembering the memories of joy they both brought to my life. Learning to hold joy and sadness together in the same space... 

Not checking out.

Running to the comfort of God.

If I can do this, so can you.

“For we walk by faith, not by sight. We are confident, yes well pleased rather to be absent from the body and to be present with the Lord.” 

2 Cor. 5:7-8

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PERCEIVED REALITY

FEAR is my own perceived reality and is a chosen reaction to my immediate world around me.

F.E.A.R. 

— False Evidence Appearing Real

I don’t have to believe the evidence before me about how others are acting or reacting. I don’t have to take what is happening out there around me personally. I don’t have to internalize the opinions around me as fact. I don’t have to suffer in other people’s reality. I know that feelings are not facts. I can wait until the feeling passes.

And, best of all, I can turn the acronym of F.E.A.R. to this:

— Face Everything And Recover

How do I do this?

By asking myself these questions—

What is true? Is what is going on outside of me, mine to carry or take on? If it is their issue to carry, how can I help and not just walk away? If there is nothing for me to do, can I walk away without guilt or blame? And, lastly, how can I pray for that person or the situation to be resolved? 

I love this quote that a friend just sent to me that helps her:

“Don’t take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality and dreams. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.” — Miguel Ruiz

I know that FEAR is not from God. 

I can be in FAITH. 

FEAR and FAITH cannot live in me at the same time.

I choose FAITH today.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

Isaiah 41:10

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ANOTHER ADDICTION?

It all started 20 years ago when I watched a friend take a photo of her food with her new flip phone. What? A camera on a phone? And why would you want to take a photo of your food?  She said “To send to a friend." I mused why would her friend need to know what she was eating? Now, we are all trained to see every detail of what everybody is doing—on our phones. 

Looking around now, phones are everywhere. A smartphone in every hand. Some taking video, photos or selfies. People looking down on their phones lost in their own world scrolling through social media or the internet. I am guilty of this. Too much time on the phone, texting, reading emails…whatever. Not participating in the world around me. 

For me, I had replaced alcohol with another addiction. My phone.

Definition of Addiction:

"An addiction is a chronic dysfunction of the brain system that involves reward, motivation, and memory. It’s about the way your body craves a substance or behavior, especially if it causes a compulsive or obsessive pursuit of “reward” and lack of concern over consequences."

This describes my phone. Social media became, not only a time drain, but a distraction from the moment and living each day as fully as possible. After all, this is what I got sober for, right? To be present with you and with me in the moment. I don’t drink anymore, but my mind is still obsessing. Social media easily became another distraction from my routine of engaging with life and others. Connecting and being present in the moment.

I can justify my behaviors of texting and answering tough emails and then going on social media to see what everybody is doing—this becomes an addiction just like my drinking was for me. I took it too far and spent so much time wandering around there in social media obsessing on how many likes I was getting, watching others post their picture-perfect lives and comparing them with mine, ignoring my own life and what was happening in the moment or avoiding actual LIVE contact with another human being.

Four years ago, I decided to get off of social media. My withdrawal was only a few days long and I realized that I can survive in the real world without it. Just like not picking up a drink to check out, I had to RETRAIN my brain to another way—Each day. 

To this day, people say to me,  “You can see my vacation photos and videos on my social media.” Then, they look at me like I’m crazy when I say, “I’m not on social media, but I look forward to seeing your photos next time we meet face to face?”

Today, when I think of picking up my phone to “look and see what’s going on…”

I need to be present in the moment with what’s going on—

Go outside, breathe the fresh air, take the dogs for a walk, pray and ask God how I can be used to help another person today, go to a live meeting and hear God talk to me through others’ stories of victory in their lives.

I am grateful for being able to retrain my brain to connect with others in-person today. 

"And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds,  not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Hebrews 10:24-25

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