I spent many years trying to succeed and be the best at everything. It was all about performance and “standing out.” There was so much pressure in that. The greatest judge of whether I was succeeding or not was me. It was too much work, exhausting and unfulfilling. I found my drinking escalating to help me cope with that high bar I had placed on myself.
When I hit my bottom of drinking, I could not hold all of that together anymore by myself. When I found recovery meetings, they told me when I was broken and lost to “stay at the center of the herd” Just as in the animal kingdom, many packs hide their young at the center of the herd for them to not to be picked off by predators while standing on the perimeter. One among many.
I also found that I could not just stand on the perimeter of this program of recovery, one foot in and one foot out—I had to jump in with both feet. In the Big Book of AA, it says, “Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon...No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection."
Until I understood that the others in recovery were there showing me how to do this life sober, I had to stay in the middle of the herd and learn under their protection. I had to stop thinking I knew how to do this on my own through progress, not perfection. In the chapter on “How It Works” of the Big Book of AA it says, "First of all, we had to quit playing God. It didn’t work. Next, we decided that hereafter in this drama of life, God was going to be our Director. He is the Principal; we are His agents. He is the Father, and we are His children. Most good ideas are simple, and this concept was the keystone of the new and triumphant arch through which we passed to freedom."
The longer we stay together in the meetings, learn, and trust God, we get stronger and become able to stand strong for the others in the group who are still suffering. I became one among many which was a comforting place to be for me alongside my fellows in sobriety. No standing out. No pressure of being the best at this. Once I figured out that it wasn’t all about me anymore, I could finally get out of my own way and be of service to God and to others within the group. Everyone brings different gifts to the table.
We can’t do this alone. I love surrounding those who need to stay in the middle of the herd while they are in their suffering. I don’t need to stand out any longer. I understand and love being One Among Many.
Grateful to know there is a way out.
Grateful to be able to show the way.
Grateful to be of service in this way.
“There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but in all of them and in everyone it is the same God at work.”
1 Corinthians 12:4-6
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