HOPE—FOR TWO SIDES OF THE STORY

There is hope for the alcoholic/addict AND for the people who support them and love them.

But, how do we find it?

Sometimes, watching someone near the bottom of their disease is frightening and overwhelming, making them feel like they just want to ignore us, run away, or give up. What can they do?

The same is true for the alcoholic/addict. We are stuck inside a prison of our own making. The prison of the insanity of the disease. It’s frightening, lonely and overwhelming. It’s easier to keep drinking or using because it’s what we know, even if it’s not working anymore—making us feel like we just want to ignore it, run away, or give up. How do we ever stop?

Both people on either side of this story are powerless. The alcoholic/addict is powerless over the grip the disease has over them—and the person watching and loving the addict is powerless over that person.

A friend of mine in recovery often says, “It’s not the drinking, it’s the thinking.”

So true. So, to recover, our thinking needs to include this thought—We have to admit that we are powerless. My bottom included asking God for help. Completely surrendering. Because, what I was doing on my own power was not working.

The people who support us wonder what they can do, too. Same thing. Admit you are powerless over the alcoholic/addict and surrender THEM to God.

My pastor used a quote this weekend in his sermon about no-strings-attached-generosity, by Matt Chandler, “Generosity is: Grace Made Visible.” I love that.

Sometimes all that the alcoholic/addict needs from you is for you to just be there—show up, don’t give up. I know it’s hard, but it’s the hope that we can hold onto that keeps us going.

That is the concept of meetings when we finally do get sober. To come and listen to others tell their real stories (which include some of the people in their lives who didn’t give up on them) and hear that there is hope through the telling of their experiences—and, a way out of the insanity of old behaviors through surrender.

I come to meetings to hear God talk to me. He talks directly to me through the others in the room. He gives me little tidbits of hope.

I can be...

Faith in action.

Love without strings.

Grace made visible.

Surrender—then be the light for someone else.

Works for both sides of this story, right?

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Hebrews 11:1

Click on my books below to buy.



YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR

This saying has always disturbed me, but it is so true. I had always interpreted this phrase as a negative. If you are cheap and don’t want to pay the price for the more costly item, you get something that eventually falls apart. Paying for the more costly item, you get a better result—something that took time to build, was better made, and longer-lasting.

I look at it differently now from a sobriety perspective.

In our addiction, we paid with our lives. It cost us dearly and the pain was great. There was no shortcut way out. But what we gain by paying the price of walking through the pain and not around it is unmatched and priceless.

Paid with self.

We gave up self. We stepped out of self and into caring for others. Into service. Self-seeking has slipped away. We turned our will and our lives over to the care of God.

We are—

Renewed.

Reconnected.

Reborn.

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 4:22-24

Click on my books below to buy.



BEST BIRTHDAY EVER

July 15, 2004.

My 50th birthday—which, it turns out, was my best birthday ever. One would have thought it was my worst birthday ever.

I think I played golf on that Saturday, my 50th birthday, but I am not sure. I have photos of friends and me standing on a putting green. There was a party that my husband had planned at our house for me that night. Never happened.

What I DO know was that I was in the hospital that night. I had started to shake uncontrollably that evening after golf. I was withdrawing from the alcohol that my body was used to me putting in it daily. We headed to the hospital. Three days prior, on the 12th, I had decided to stop drinking. I had finally surrendered. I had tried for so long under my own will power—to no avail. I truly asked God to take the obsession from me at my very bottom.

He did.

The thing I didn’t understand was the detox process. How easy it is to go into DT’s when you try to just stop drinking cold turkey. I don’t remember much about the hospital experience. My husband tells me that they had to give me four Ativan shots to stop me from almost seizing. I am thankful to be alive.

The part I remember the most was waking up the next day in my hospital room with my husband standing watch. He had a big smile on his face and handed me a little piece of paper with a “4” on it. Four days of sobriety. I was thrilled, but didn’t know what was next. I knew I had stopped drinking, but did not know that was literally my last day of drinking on July 12th, 2004.

We had a conversation about possibly going into rehab. I told my husband I was finished drinking and I didn’t need to go to rehab. I also did not want to leave the dogs or him for that long, ha ha. He said he believed me, but that I needed to go to meetings to ensure that I would get support with that decision. He was so right. My husband, Dick, would continue the tradition of making me a little paper number for each day of my sobriety to this day. I keep it in my pocket to remind me of my days of sobriety. I go to meetings—at least three a week— and cannot imagine my life without my sober friends, meetings, the women I sponsor, and my sponsor.

This morning, November 15, 2019, Dick handed me a little number with 5,604 days written on it. Whew. So thankful to God, to Dick (my biggest supporter) and to all the people I have met during my days of living sober.

One of my favorite memories of waking up in the hospital on day “4,” was having my stepson and daughter-in-law come to visit with my two grandsons. They put both of the little ones on the bed with me. The 16-month-old, Adam, just cuddled me and the 3 1/2-year old asked me this, “Gramma Heidi, are you going to be ok?” Of course, it brought tears to my eyes, and I got to answer him, “Yes, Ryan, I am SOOO—OK. I am going to be better than ever when I get out of here.”

We just sent that young man, Ryan, off to college this fall. What a gift it was to have gotten sober when they were so young. All three of my grandsons have never seen me drink. (Scott was born when I was 2 years sober.)

It was the best birthday gift I ever received from God—the gift of sobriety. It is possibly the best gift I have gotten to give my family, too. My sobriety.

We addicts and alcoholics have so many people in our lives who, not only care about us and love us, but are affected by the disease of addiction. I think it may be harder on the people around us than it is for us. They are powerless over our actions while we are in our disease. I am thankful to be in recovery to be able to lift that burden of worry and anxiety off of my loved ones.

I hear people in meetings say, “I am a grateful alcoholic.”

I didn’t even want to BE an alcoholic—let alone a grateful one. But, I am so grateful to show up sober each day to help others like myself. I am right where God wants me to serve, I’m quite sure.

I am a grateful alcoholic in recovery.

If I can do this life sober, so can you.

How can I help?

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Hebrews 10:24-25

Click on my books below to buy.



WE ARE NOT A GLUM LOT.

When I first got sober, I couldn’t figure out why everybody was so happy and free. Why were they all giggling and laughing? Wasn’t this getting sober thing serious business?

Yes.

I was still waking from the continuous fog that seemed to hover over my life while I was drinking. When the fog started to lift, I started showing up and going to meetings where I saw people not just surviving, but thriving—even laughing.

I thought I needed alcohol for that.

Apparently not.

I found out that I could make it through one day without alcohol, with God’s help, of course. Then another. Then one more. Pretty soon the evidence was there for me to see that I could do this life without drinking. However, I wasn’t laughing freely yet. I was curious how others were doing that.

In our literature, it talks about alcoholics not being a glum lot—that there is a “vast amount of fun and joy in all of it, this business of living sober.” That’s what my grand-sponsor used to say. She has passed on now, but I still hear her voice reminding me of this.

Then, when I discovered it was not only about not drinking, but treating the thinking part of my disease, I started to get it. Not take myself too seriously and over-think things.

What?—Is that possible? Yes. Not only is it possible, it is most-likely probable, if I do the work it requires to change my thinking and behaviors—praying, step work with my sponsor, working with women I sponsor, going to meetings and hearing God speak through others, reaching out to another alcoholic who needs my help.

Now I am giggling and laughing at life, at my mistakes, at everything. And, now, I want to show others how to receive that kind of joy. I still over-think things, but, that’s why I surround myself with a community of others like myself to help with my accountability, point me back to the truth and to show me how to laugh at myself and move on to help others who might need it.

I love this quote from CS Lewis on JOY:

“On the one hand, if life is but time and happenstance, why do we laugh or wonder, or experience a desire to play, however fleetingly at all? Is the encounter of delight simply the mind’s attempt to distract us from pain? What good is joy, what purpose is humor or laughter or beauty, if life is but a series of instincts to survive and the universe at a cosmic level is meaningless? On the other hand, if we are made in the image of a holy, loving, imaginative God, how wonderful that God has made us with both logic and laughter, with intrinsic worth and immortal wonder.”

Oh, the inexpressible joy of a sober life!

Can you hear me giggling?

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith.”

1 Peter 1:8-9

Click on my books below to buy.



MISSING THE PAYOFF

A man was sharing his story in a recovery meeting and spoke of having thirteen years of sobriety in the past. As he walked through the telling of his story, he told of relapse after relapse and how he landed in rehab several times. He sat there this day with 90 days of sobriety and said this key line:

“If you don’t get the spirituality of this program, you are missing the biggest payoff.”

The universal truth bell went off in my head when he said that.

The candy. The miracles. All things we were missing while checking out.

When we let go and turn it over to God, all kinds of good things start happening that we didn’t expect and could never have dreamed. We let go and it all comes back.

You mean if I hold on real tight, I am not going to keep it?

Uh, no.

You can’t keep what you don’t have in the first place. God gave you life.

If you give your life back to Him in full, that is when you get the big payoff.

The big payoff?

Peace that passes all understanding.

Do it. Then watch and see.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:4-7

Click on my books below to buy.



THE H.O.W. OF SOBRIETY

This acronym of H.O.W. is the key to my sobriety.

Honesty (You can’t heal what you don’t reveal.)

Open-Mindedness (It’s not the drinking, it’s the thinking.)

Willingness (What you resist, persists.)

When I was drinking, I was sneaky, close-minded, and stubborn. Not good attributes for growth and change, right? At the end of my drinking, I just kept thinking, “I have to stop. I have to change something or this behavior is going to kill me.”

At 50 years old—when I finally surrendered to God and knew that I was unable to get sober on my own, I started to heal. I started to get honest and came out of the hiding and sneakiness. I became willing to do things differently—I finally became willing to change and to see that I could stay sober with the help of others and with God.

First three steps. “I can’t. He can. I think I’ll let Him.”

The most important thing was to be finally honest with myself. Having an honest perspective, I can see how my alcohol use affected others or caused negative situations in my life. Next, I need to be open-minded. If I am closed-minded to anything, I shut down growth, not allowing for any other solution to my problems than the one I currently had—drinking (which was not working, of course.) If I remain open-minded, I become teachable. Then, when I become willing, I am open to change. Pain is a motivator. When my behaviors cause more pain than pleasure, I am motivated to consider new options.

So, if you’re hurting and tired of living life a certain way, and you want to change, remember the acronym of H.O.W.

Be willing to go to any lengths for your recovery.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

Click on my books below to buy.

SOBER JUNKIE

I am what you’d call a sober junkie.

I love listening to other alcoholics/addicts tell their stories of getting sober. That moment of clarity they have that tells them there is a better way—a better life. Hearing those moments gives me a high unlike any I received in my active drinking days.

My drug of choice now—is you. I love sitting in meetings and being present to witness recovery and to show up for others to give hope.

Last meeting I went to the topic was “How do you hear God? “

I shared that I hear God speak through each and every one of the people in meetings who have the courage to open their mouths and tell the truth.

That’s how I hear God.

When I am aggravated, edgy, moody, I go to a meeting and open my ears. Sometimes it’s hard to get past my own judgement of people sharing or this or that, seemingly unimportant chatter—but then, when I least expect it, God speaks directly to me—

Through YOU!

Sometimes it’s the very last person who speaks—there it is. That’s why I am here today.

To show up for you and give you hope. And, for you to give me hope.

I love this sober life.

I am a sober junkie.

“God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

John 4:24

Click on my books below to buy.

TAKE MY ADVICE...

My husband likes to say, “Take my advice, I’m not using it.”

Ha ha. Yes. I am really good at seeing what someone else needs to do (and judging what YOU are doing as wrong in my mind.) I need to take my own advice. Look at my own side of the street. Clean that up.

That’s why I love sponsoring women so much. Whatever they are going through that they share with me, I get to look at too. They hold up the mirror for me to see what I might not otherwise see. So helpful in my own growth process.

Who is helping who here?

In Step Four, we look at resentments and how they can poison our thinking. We review what “our part was in any given interaction.” We aren’t responsible for what others think or do. However, we are responsible for our response to others and situations. That is the defining difference. I don’t get to resent what YOU do or say any more, because I know that’s like drinking the poison and expecting YOU to die, right? It is not serving either one of us.

If I am not actively looking at my side of the street and how I can change, how can I advise others to do that?

This is where the serenity prayer comes in, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.”

I think I will start using my own advice—what would you advise?

“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you may also be tempted.”

Galatians 6:1

Click on my books below to buy.

FEAR

F alse E vidence A ppearing R eal

If I look around in the world, I can find all the evidence I need to prove that I should stay in fear. It takes a measure of trust and faith to not buy into the false evidence I see all around me.

I can’t be in fear and faith at the same time.

Fear—tells us that we are small, powerless, and separate.

Faith—affirms that we are great, creative, and connected.

Which voice do you choose to be your guide?

My God is bigger than fear. I choose faith as I step forward to live in the Light.

Oh God, You paint the sky with miracles in mind. My tearful eyes joyfully receive the awesome stroke of your brush. Thank you for another day of sobriety so that I can see Your wonders before me every day.

Won’t you join me in the Light of Faith?

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

John 14:27

Click on my books below to buy.



HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT

I was wrecked but nobody knew. Shipwrecked. Finished. I knew, and yet I continued drinking a while longer. I was hiding in plain sight for as long as I could. Thinking I had control. Thinking I was fooling you into believing I had control. I wasn’t fooling anybody but myself. Making sure I made you think my inside matched my outside. They didn’t match. I was drinking right in front of you.

Hiding my gin in a water bottle, going undetected and unsuspected.

Not.

The evidence was my behavior. Still going on my own power, yet running on nothing but fumes. Flammable fumes.

A friend asked me recently, “What does your boat look like now?”

“Huh?”

“Are you taking care of your boat? Cleaning off the barnacles? Making sure no water is in the bottom? Do you always have a plan and a map, or are you sailing where the wind takes you instead of letting God’s breath fill your sails?”

All questions I had not asked. Wow. I realized when I finally surrendered to God, that I was letting God’s breath fill my sails. I could sail in freedom knowing that wherever I was, that is where God wanted me. The hard part was keeping my eyes open to see what God had placed before me. Now that I am sober, I can do that. I can notice everything.

I can see you. You can see me. My eyes are wide open and I like the visual before me.

I don’t have to hide right in front of you anymore. I am in the light.

Come into the light with me.

“For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.”

Luke 8:17

Click on my books below to buy.

HOPE—PAYING IT FORWARD

HOPE: A feeling of expectation or desire for something to happen; grounds for believing that something good may happen.

My Higher Power is the God of the universe—a tremendous source of strength that is always with me unless I allow resentment to separate me from the sunlight of the spirit. My God does not cause tragedy nor does He find you parking places. The Spirit of the universe is much bigger than that. The meaning in life comes from our reaching out to each other and the sharing of love and hope.

I watch hopeless alcoholics trying to get sober every day, grab a hold of hope, of which I may possibly give them a glimpse, and begin a renewal of the spirit within themselves. This is God or Higher Power or Spirit—whatever you want to call it. 

It is not self. Not you. Not me. We cannot access this universal power through our own self will. Surrendering self, we find all the power we need. MORE than enough. Overwhelming power that we never dreamed of, that carries us through situations that used to baffle us. Through showing up, serving, and reaching out to another alcoholic, I just might help relight the candle of hope, helping them to access the power that was available to them all along.

Sometimes we don’t get to thank or repay the people that help us when we first get sober. The thing we get to do is reach out and be available to another alcoholic who needs us, like someone did for us. In this way, we pay it forward.

If you hold your sponsor’s hand on one side of you, and hold the hand of someone you sponsor on the other side, you don’t have a hand left to pick up a drink!

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

Click on my books below to buy.

OXYGEN MASK

If the plane is going down, they say to put your oxygen mask on first then you’ll be able to help others. It’s not selfish it’s life or death.

If I don’t have my sobriety, I don’t have anything else in my life.

I consider that putting my oxygen mask on first.

Sometimes, in early sobriety, I felt selfish caring for myself—doing the things that now supported my new sober life, going to meetings, talking to people, working the steps with my sponsor, prayer, being in sober community, service to others, taking care of ME—after all, wasn’t I being selfish in my addiction in the first place?

So where is the balance?

Yes, I was only selfishly thinking of what I needed when drinking. After I got sober and started taking care of myself, then and only then, could I be of service to others. Get out of my own head to help somebody else. There is a space somewhere between being totally selfish and self-care.

That grey area is where I find growth and serenity.

I start my day with the Third Step prayer, which goes like this:

“God, I offer myself to Thee. To build with me and do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I might better do Thy Will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help, of Thy power, Thy love, and Thy way of life. May I do Thy will always. Amen.”

So—Get me out of the way. Help me with the faults that stand in my way, so that others can see Your love and work in me. And, Your Will, not mine, be done.

I am so grateful to have these tools.

I also have to be careful of service—too much service at the expense of myself—that becomes co-dependency, which I am really good at—the at the expense of myself part. Between these two, service and co-dependency, there is a grey area too. If I remain in that middle ground grey area, I find serenity.

Being ever-vigilant and aware of what is right in front of me, I can be in God’s Will just by showing up. Taking this world as it is, not as I would have it! He is responsible for directing my path, if I remain “hands-free” of the control. God is responsible for the outcome.

The pressure is off, whew! Simple, but not easy.

Step by step.

Lesson by lesson.

Day by day.

Prayer by Prayer.

Depending on God.

All the way.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

Click on my books below to buy.



BECOMING UNSTUCK.

I walk by this rusty VW every day on my dog walk. It has been planted there ever since I got sober. 15 years—5,534 days in a row—one day at a time.

A picture of who I was at the end of my drinking.

I was: Abandoned. Stuck. Immobile. Rusty. Static. Rooted in the spot. Frozen.

I knew I had to stop and change my behaviors, but how? It all seemed so overwhelming. All I could see was the rust, so it felt like my only option was to keep drinking and block it out. When I finally realized that I was going to die if I kept on this path, I surrendered to God.

Thy Will, not mine, be done.

If I could have stopped on my own power, I would have, right?

So, now what?—one step at a time, I put down the drink, showed up that day and began to change, not only my thinking, but my behaviors. Replacing the old ways with healthy behaviors. Like, walking the dog when I don’t particularly feel like it. It is good for him and prayer time for me. I started going to meetings—community, not isolation.

This didn’t happen over night. I just kept showing up each day for God’s plan, not my own. When we put a few days together sober, we realize by the evidence, that we CAN do this life sober. Pretty soon, when the sober days start gathering behind me, I can look back and see the progress. The journey. I am in motion and unstuck.

When I first got sober, I didn’t like the “one day at a time” saying. Wasn’t that obvious that we have to live our lives one day at a time?—apparently not. I was future-tripping in my mind, dwelling on what I thought it should be or what I want it to be, not what was. Causing me to go into overwhelm. That’s how my brain works. If I stay in today, I can appreciate this moment, then the next. Then the next. As my world shrinks back down to what is right in front of me instead of zooming out to the big picture (which tends to overwhelm)—I can see what the next right thing might be.

This is going to sound like a weird example, but it’s true for me—

I don’t like shopping. So, instead of waiting until the list gets too long, I go each day for what I need. I also don’t like doing laundry, but if I do just one load a day, I will not have too many piles of laundry to face causing me to not do any of it. Little by little it gets done. Make sense?

It’s like there is a big fishing rod in my mind. I can let the line out and, whew, soon its way out there thinking beyond today. I have to continually reel in the line when I feel myself going to the future that is not mine yet. Whoa, girl. Slow down. Reel it in. What is your next right thing to do today?

Prayer helps me every day:

• I pray for God to “Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I might better do Thy Will...” In other words, get me out of my own way.

• I pray to stay in gratitude for what I have right now and what I can affect today.

• I pray for others, which keeps me out of my own selfish thinking.

• I pray for wisdom to know when I can help and when I need to leave it to God.

I am not this picture of the rusty Volkswagen anymore.

I am now: Rescued. Unstuck. Moved. Clean. Dynamic. Uprooted. Melted by the love of God.

You can be too. One day at a time.

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” Isaiah 43:18-19

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.” Psalm 51:10

Click on my books below to buy.



CLEAR AWAY THE WRECKAGE

This photo was taken on a street corner in Zambia, Africa. Our bus was speeding by as I saw all of these mops, brooms and websters. I immediately thought of this phrase: Clear away the wreckage.

When I got sober, I thought it was just about stopping the drinking. It was so much more. I thought that I wasn’t hurting anybody, so what did I have to work on or clean up?

A lot.

The drinking is but a symptom of a much greater problem—me.

No more alcohol. Withdrawal. Fog lifting. Thinking clearly now. Noticing more around me. Engaging with life again. Reaching out. Community. Connecting to God and to others—oh yeah, now I’m back. I get to start looking deeper into the ME that I had avoided. And that was just the first 30 days of sobriety.

Then the real recovery process started. The journey. I started working the 12 steps with my sponsor and never looked back. The peeling back of layers in my brain and heart that I hadn’t dealt with as an adult. All good. Growing. Healing. Kinda painful at times. Therapeutic. Cathartic.

When I was ONE year sober, my sponsor gave me a special coin commemorating my first year of sobriety. And then she read this to me on page 164 of the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous:

“Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you—until then.”

I wept.

I still shed a tear 5527 days later when this passage is read—every time.

That reading is the essence of my sobriety.

I pray it for you.

“...And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.”

1 Corinthians 10: 13-14

Click on my books below to buy.

I WANNA FIX IT

Before you call Mama Assa’s number on this little poster above, just know that I saw this sign hanging on a telephone pole in Zambia, Africa.

I know you were tempted. I mean, come on, she promises to solve problems with same day results.—who wouldn’t want to call her?

When I first got sober, I was amazed at how the tools to live sober and stay sober worked! Working the 12 steps was hard work, but worth it. I learned new behaviors to replace my old solution (drinking) to every problem. It wasn’t a same-day fix. I had to keep showing up one day at a time.

I also learned over time, when I was finally present in my mind and thinking rational thoughts, that there was a lot of stuff I wanted to fix—in me, AND in you!!

The steps were my solution for me. Prayer became my solution for dealing with you. I began praying for me to know how to deal with the people in my life over whom I had no control. The problem with praying was that I wanted same day results to the problems, like Mama Assa promises in the poster—ha ha. When I prayed for patience, I got more challenging situations for which to have patience. Be careful what you pray for.

I heard in a meeting “Don’t pray for things to be all right, pray for you to be all right with things.” Well, that shifted by prayers. That sounds like acceptance to me. Well, I found out that prayer may or may not have same-day-results, according to God’s perfect Will. I am not guaranteed anything.

In Step 11, “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”

I learned to pray that His Will, not mine be done.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Corinthians 12:9

This verse in 2 Corinthians is one of my favorites. I didn’t understand it at first. But, now, I understand that the key to this verse is TRUST. How is God’s power made perfect in my weakness?

I have to admit that I need help first. I need God to help me and I cannot do this alone.

That is when HIS power is manifested within us. God designed it such that we needed to depend on Him to live this life how we were meant to live.

Otherwise, my life is just a free-form mess of my own decision-making—and will be totally without purpose. In my humble opinion.

I won’t be calling Mama Assa soon. I hope you won’t either. The answers to our problems won’t be found here on this earth. Until we surrender our will and lives to God, we will just be floundering.

Pray.

Trust.

Wait.

It’s worth it.

What have you got to lose?

Click on my books below to buy.

CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR

In our recovery meetings, we pass the basket around about halfway through the meeting for donations. Most people put in a dollar. Our 7th Tradition states that we are “Fully self-supporting through our own contributions.”

I once heard someone say that meetings are the only place you can get “change for a dollar”

I giggled after learning that phrase.

And, I don’t mean coin change, I mean change of the transformational kind—inside and out. I have been in recovery for a number of days now—5513 to be exact— and have witnessed true transformation happen. Sometimes the people themselves don’t even recognize the shift until somebody else points it out to them. They will come in silent, broken, messed up (inside and out) and if they just stay in their chair, don’t drink, and keep coming back, they will eventually start changing.

It’s a new kind of high for me now, to go to meetings and witness someone early in recovery that is starting to change as a result of getting sober and working the program. I love to see the light go on in their eyes, see them take better care of themselves, speak out in meetings and generally look more engaged in life.

I am not talking about chump change here—I am talking about the extravagant change that happens in us when we surrender to God. Rich. Deep. Love-of-God-at-work change.

I am not saying it’s easy. If it was, I would have done it sooner in life. We can’t wait for change to happen. We need to first admit there is a problem with our addiction. Then, turn it over to God. And, then, WE still have to do the footwork.

Show up.

Work the steps with a sponsor.

Service to others.

It works. Try it. You will notice the change in you over time. That’s why I am still counting my days.

One day at a time.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

Click on my books below to buy.

COME. SIT. STAY.

And stay, she did.

Seventeen years.

We had to say goodbye to our sweet 17-year-old Diamond dog on this past Sunday. I am incredibly sad, but I know I don’t have to drink over this loss. I have to sit with the pain of her leaving—and feel it. We were blessed with so many days with her. Most of you know that I count my days of sobriety and she has been here for all of them—5,501 days.

A friend wrote this to me, “A piece of our hearts get damaged with our losses, but that just means we lived and loved fiercely and vulnerably. Accepting the transition because we felt love is difficult—but how blessed we were to have had it.”

Wow. So true. Fiercely and vulnerably. Something I avoided in my drinking days because it was so much easier to NOT feel and to check out over such sadness.

Drinking is just not an option for me anymore. Period.

I know what to do. Reach out for support. Keep loving. Don’t shut down. Go to meetings. Pray for strength.

My nephew pointed out to me that God gave us animals to teach us about the perfect love of God. On display for us in dogs is the purest form of love, with none of the other human stuff attached like, jealousy, fear, anger, resentment, holding grudges...

Death took me to the bottom of my drinking many days ago. I don’t have to check out over death anymore. I have experienced many human deaths and three dog losses in sobriety. I am here to tell you that I can do this life—and live through loss—sober. I know you can do the same.

Here’s what I have learned about sobriety from my dogs:

Drop it.

Leave it.

Come.

Sit.

Stay.

Heel (Heal).

It’s a simple program, but it’s not easy. If we can take a lesson from dogs and pay attention to our Master, we will get the treat.

Don’t quit five minutes before the miracle.

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

Revelation 21:4

Click on my books below to buy.



RESTORATION—RICH BEYOND BELIEF

When my niece, Amanda and nephew, Brian were six-years-old, we were all walking through Harrah’s Casino in Tahoe. An army of confident gamblers high on a win and on our way to dinner. My brother had just won a $350 jackpot. The two little ones marching along in front of us turned to each other after learning this fact and shouted, “We are RICH BEYOND BELIEF!”

Needless to say, everybody rolled with laughter and it has become a saying in our family from that point forward, referring not to “money rich”—but richly blessed with the love we share as a family.

That rich feeling, is what I felt when I started to come alive after giving up alcohol and starting to live the life that God intended for me. Joining my new family of sober alcoholic friends. In my drinking days, especially toward the end, I felt like I was getting old and not making a difference in life. Approaching my fiftieth birthday with nothing to show for it but lots of lost days mindlessly drinking and not caring—self-absorbed.

With each passing day of sobriety, I feel richer and richer, like my love and energy is brimming over and I am needing to share it. When I got sober, my purpose was redefined and I decided to make it my mission to help as many alcoholics and addicts know that they didn’t have to live like that in the cycle of destruction—and, that they didn’t have to do this life of recovery on their own. I would be there.

In Step Two of the Twelve Steps, it says this: “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”

My first thought after reading this the first time was that I was offended— “I am not sure I was insane to begin with.” But after deeper study and learning, I realized that I wasn’t insane, but my behavior was insane. Doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I had to change my behavior. Be willing to believe that God could restore me in a new way—new sane behaviors that supported my newly sober state.

I realized that having new tools for sobriety, I could now make a difference, just by showing up for others—

Sober.

Being ready to serve.

Making a difference in your life (and mine.)

Living a life that is—Rich Beyond Belief—One day at a time.

You can do it too. God is in the restoration business. Turn it over to God and trust Him with the results.

Just try it. And then, look for the evidence that it works.

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Matthew 6:19-27

Click on my books below to buy.



BE ONE.

Be a miracle.

Just by showing up sober. It’s a choice.

I made that choice and never looked back. I am forever grateful for God relieving me of the obsession to drink. If I could have stopped on my own, I would have. It was not until I surrendered to God and let Him do the work in me, that my need to drink was lifted. Gone. Wow.

So grateful.

Quickest way out of my own head is to help somebody else—the high I sought in alcohol—but so much more satisfying! Thinking about someone else…what a concept!

Now I can be the example of the miracle that can happen when we choose to show up and be sober. You can too. And, you can make a difference for others just by showing up sober.

Trust me. I chose this path a number of days ago (5492 days to be exact) and haven’t had the need to pick up a drink since. By the Grace of God.

I heard this song the other day by Natalie Grant, called “Be One.” I hope the words of this song lift you today.

Be One, by Natalie Grant

We don't feel ready
We don't feel steady
Question what we really have to give
Stay where it's safer
Claim faith, but waiver
Is this how we really meant to live?

We pray but never move
We say but never do

It's time to get our hands dirty
Be love there's a whole lot of hurting
Calling all hearts
Calling all hands
Calling all feet to take a stand
Why sit around and wait for a miracle to come?
When we can be one

A little somethin'
Might feel like nothin'
But in His hands it's all we'll ever need
To speak life to the broken
Watch the blind eyes open
It's who He's calling you and me to be

It's time to get our hands dirty
Be love there's a whole lot of hurting
Calling all hearts
Calling all hands
Calling all feet to take a stand
Why sit around and wait for a miracle to come?
When we can be one

We can be the change, be the hope
We can be the arms that don't let go
We can be a light in the dark
We are, we are where it starts

It's time to get our hands dirty
Be love there's a whole lot of hurting
Calling all hearts
Calling all hands
Calling all feet to take a stand
Why sit around and wait for a miracle to come?
When we can be one

“In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

Matthew 5:16

Click on my books below to buy.



HARDWARE AND SOFTWARE

Just like a computer, I need my hardware and software for my brain to work and stay sober.

Pictured above is my hardware. Stuff I can hang onto and hold. Physical evidence confirming what I know today–I am sober. Whew. I need that reminder—one day at a time.

YOU are my software—intangibles that I carry in my heart daily. Your faces from my meetings. Things you say to give me hope. Grateful thoughts about the blessings of being sober. Prayers—of thankfulness. Prayers for those still hurting in this disease of addiction.

This computer that is my brain needs both for my brain to work in sobriety.

I still have some malware in there that trips me up, but I have my geek-self to employ all of the tools for cleanup and for a reboot on my brain–freeing up space for me to live in the present without hindrance—and to be of maximum service to my fellows.

The tools for cleanup are The 12 Steps. The Steps help me regularly do clean up on my hard drive—my brain.

I have a friend in sobriety that says, “It’s not the drinking, it’s the thinking.” Boy, is that true. I stop drinking and my brain is still thinking away just like before—those same things that caused me to quiet those thoughts with alcohol. The Steps help me with dealing with all of that stinking thinking. If I don’t do the work, I am what we call a “dry drunk” and I am not in recovery.

Recovery.

Doing the work. Tech support for my brain.

There will always be glitches along the way, but, now I have tools. I encourage you to work your Steps.

I will be there too. Join me in a meeting. We can’t do this alone. We need each other.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

James 1:2-4

Click on my books below to buy.