YOU SHOULD.

I don’t know about you, but ALL of my character defects are coming to the forefront right now in this time of isolation. Not just a few, but ALL of them—

Fear, loss, self-pity, judging others (and myself), sadness, and trying to fix—control.

The last one being the most dangerous for me. When I feel helpless, or hopeless, my tendency is to try and DO SOMETHING to fix it—Control things. Get on the hamster wheel in my brain and RUN. Run from the feelings, run from the anxiety, run from the fear and sadness, Run into busy-ness.

I go into thoughts like, “You should do this...” and, “You should do that...”

How about no.

My suggestions to myself are usually wrong. In the program we call it getting a case of the “You shoulds.” The next thing I hear my fellow recovery people say is, “Hey, don’t should on yourself.”

I giggle every time I hear this because I am really good at this, “should-ing” on you and “should-ing” on me—judgement. Who am I to judge either of us? Who does it help?

Alcohol used to be the way I shut off the hamster wheel in my brain. Drinking is not an option for me anymore, so what do I do to replace that behavior?

Sometimes something. Sometimes nothing. Almost always it requires getting out of my head—Most times requiring action— praying for my mind to stop thinking of “what if’s,” walking the dog, talking to a fellow recovery friend, attending an online Zoom meeting, getting into service for somebody else, writing a gratitude list—Just a few suggestions for my running brain.

This hamster photo is me. Getting out of the wheel of what it used to be like and embracing the new. I don’t know what that looks like sometimes, especially in today’s circumstances. But, I do know that I still can choose what next right action to take. My friends are still there. The world is still here. Nature is vibrant and alive blooming in Spring.

I am alive and grateful for whatever is next.

Get off the wheel and join me.

You should :-)


“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

Philippians 4:8

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COME. SIT. STAY.

In my recovery book, “Hair Of The Dog,” I talk about how Dogs get it.

In this National time out we are having because of the pandemic, things are very complicated—both on the health and the economic end of things— And, yet, very simple. We are reminded of the small things as we are confined to our homes. The things we CAN do, as opposed to the things we CAN’T do—those things that are out of our control.

We can learn a thing or two from our dogs. They live simply, waiting for the next command, looking to us to guide them. They pay attention to their master. So should we.

These simple commands worked in my early sobriety (and even today.) They will work for this shutdown time too—

Drop it.

Leave it.

Come.

Sit.

Stay.

Wait.

Heel (Heal).

It’s a simple program, but it’s not easy. If we can take a lesson from dogs and pay attention to our Master, we will get the treat.

Just don’t quit five minutes before the miracle.

I am praying for our Nation’s leaders, for our healthcare workers, first responders, and for you to stay healthy in mind, body and spirit.

We don’t have to drink over this. We will get through it together.


“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

Matthew 11:28-30

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FINDING NEW WAYS

I usually put a scripture at the end of my blog. Today is different. I woke up this morning with this verse in my head.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.” Hebrews 10:24-25

My next thought was— ”How do we NOT give up meeting together when we can’t be together, or even be within six feet of another person?”

We are finding new ways...

All of the AA meetings in my county have been closed for in-person meetings. And probably across the state, country and around the world, for that matter. So, for an alcoholic in recovery, this can be hard. Isolation was a big factor in my drinking days, especially toward the end, when I needed to drink all the time. It was much easier to be alone in isolation with my drinking and get away with it. This shelter-in-place order would have created the perfect scenario for me to hide out. Instead, a fellow sober friend and I started our two AA meetings at my church online—for “such a time as this” (as she always says!)

But now, in sobriety, for the last 5744 days, I get to find new ways of living, one day at a time. I start my day with prayer for the day and how I can help others stay sober and teach them how to reach out and reconnect.

Within one week of the shelter-in-place order, the AA Central Office had meetings online in Zoom video conference meeting format. Wow. This is a great way of finding new ways to meet and encourage one another.

In sobriety, we learn that we cannot do this alone. We need each other and we need God. I realized that we, as a recovery community, have a leg-up on this whole “how do we do life thing” now that things have changed. We have all the tools of our program of the twelve steps, that work in every situation to keep us sober—and just live life, for that matter.

I am not in control—of my circumstances, our world, others around us and at times, my own thoughts. That’s when I get to turn it over to God. Release myself of trying so hard. Be kind to myself. Be kind to others. Be there for those in need—whether its in a Zoom meeting online or phone call to reach out.

Let’s keep finding new ways to help and serve.

Here is a poem someone sent that gave me hope today. I hope it lifts you.

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase,
To added affliction, He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, He multiplies peace.
 
When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half-done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.
 
His love has no limit, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men,
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

by Annie Johnson Flint

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CHANGING PERSPECTIVE

Well, this pandemic changed everything.

Not just my physical perspective, as my husband and I are in the at-risk age group and are confined to our home, but my mental perspective, spiritual perspective—life as we knew it—is totally changed. We are affected from every angle.

For those of us in sobriety, we have to adjust our thinking about how we take care of ourselves. We can’t physically go to meetings right now as we shelter-in-place. But we can go to online Zoom meetings. We can reach out to our sponsors and others as we always have, by phone, FaceTime, text and email.

It is still scary to be isolated. Community has been such a huge part of my sobriety. Sharing thoughts, hugs, time with others like myself who need to be heard, understood and encouraged to maintain their sobriety.

Service has always been my go-to for getting out of my own head and out of God’s way. I get to be creative in ways to help others. Go to an online Zoom meeting and speak up there to help another. My husband, a retired dentist, found 500 boxed surgical masks in our attic and dropped them off to the local hospital without getting out of his car. Our perspective has changed, but we can still serve.

Our church changed their perspective and conducted our worship services for the last two weekends via livestream. Such a great comfort to my husband and me. During the service, our pastor played a video clip from the movie, Elizabeth the Golden Age: The New World . I have transcribed the clip below. It gave me the hope I was needing to hear about.

******************************************************************************
Sir Walter Raleigh describes the New World to Elizabeth and her court: “Can you imagine what it is to cross and ocean? For weeks you see nothing but the horizon, perfect and empty. You live in the grip of fear. Fear of sickness, storms, fear of the immensity. So, you must drive that fear down deep into your belly, study your charts, watch your compass, pray for a fair wind and hope—pure, naked, fragile—hope.

But at first, it’s no more than a haze on the horizon. So you watch, and as the smudge grows, a shadow on the far water, for a day, for another day. The stain slowly spreads along the horizon taking form, until on the third day, you let yourself believe—you dare to whisper the word—land—Land. Life. Resurrection. The true adventure, coming out of the vast unknown. Out of the immensity into new life—That, is the new world.”

The Queen says back to Sir Walter Raleigh: “I like your immensities. Your ocean is an image of eternity, I think. Such great spaces make us small. Do we discover the New World, Mr. Raleigh? Or, does the New World discover us?”

Sir Walter Raleigh: “You speak like a true explorer.”
******************************************************************************

Wow.

This is a reminder of how I felt in early sobriety and how HOPE was the only thing I could hang onto at first. One day at a time until I could see that there was a new way of living. A new me, a new life, resurrection from the dead me. Getting sober was the vast unknown, the immensity, a whole new world.

And, as the Queen says back to him—This New World discovers us.

Change your perspective—be an explorer.

You can do this life sober too.

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”
Romans 15:13

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LESS IS MORE

WHAT?

As an alcoholic, I always thought that “More is better.” I have always had the disease of MORE. More of everything—not just alcohol—more food, more wealth, more toilet paper :))))

In these times, we need to conserve resources, be still in our solitude—not isolation, there’s a difference! We reduce our physical time together, but continue to reach out to all who are confined to their homes or who can’t be out right now by phone or email.

As an alcoholic in recovery, my mantra now is: none at all. If I don’t have the first drink, I can’t get drunk. I have practiced that for the last 5,730 days of my sobriety.

In today’s shelter in place mentality, we practice Less is More.

In many ways, what is happening to this country reminds me of early sobriety—suddenly, after I stopped drinking, I had a lot of time on my hands—Now that I wasn’t acquiring the alcohol, hiding it, drinking it, getting rid of the bottles and starting the whole process over again. I had to relearn how to BE ME in sobriety, I had to establish a new routine, find new ways of substituting old behaviors (drinking) as a solution with new behaviors— online meetings, exercise, walk the dog, read, rearrange my thinking completely.

Where did that phrase “Less is More” originate?

From Ludwig Mies—a German-American architect. Along with Frank Lloyd Wright, he is regarded as one of the pioneers of modernist (Bauhaus) architecture. He called his buildings “skin and bones” architecture. He is often associated with his fondness for the aphorisms, “less is more” and “God is in the details”

The details that only God can work out. I am going to give it to God, who designed this complex world to be navigated very simply—one day at a time and one moment at a time.

I heard one woman say this in an online AA Zoom meeting this morning, “We may not know what the future holds, but we do know Who holds the future.” I like that a lot.

I know it’s not me. It’s God. I have to trust that this new way of living is teaching us how to reinvent ourselves and how we can thrive again—just like when I first got sober—

—Turn it over.
—Pray.
—Call my sponsor.
—Reach out to others by text, email phone—Zoom online meetings.
—Notice the beauty that is right in front of me.
—Reconnect with my core family in my own home.
—Be of service to others, in new ways.
—Rest—knowing God has this.


“Be still, and know that I am God”
Psalm 46:10

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CHOICE

Speaking of Corona virus—I had it—5,723 days ago. Corona was my beer. Many of them. Yes, it is a disease. A disease because it was something I could not control. At the end of my drinking, I had no choice.

What?

When drinking, I didn’t have a choice. If the alcohol was in front of me, it was inside of me. No thought process to it. The habit was securely in place. I was not aware that I had a choice in the matter. It was out of my hands at the end. Addiction was mine. It owned me—physically and mentally.

No choice.

When I surrendered, I realized that God had given me a second chance to do it differently. When I turned my life back over to God, I realized at that point, my ability to choose had been restored.

Wow. That is amazing.

I know, it doesn’t make sense, but it is true for me. I got my power of choice back by surrendering my own will. My choices now were limitless with God’s help and without the thought that my only solution to every problem is alcohol. People could not understand why I could not just have one drink, or just choose to stop. The irony was that one beer was too many and twelve was not enough! I was under the influence of the addiction, not having a choice at that point. My body thought I would die without it. My medicine now is meetings, connecting and prayer. Without the help of prayer to help me decide the right choice now, I will certainly resort to having no choice in the matter once again.

Now that I am sober, it has become my mission in life to help as many people recover as I possibly can. And, to raise awareness and understanding of the recovery process for the people supporting the recovering addict/alcoholic.

According to the United States Centers for Disease Control (CDC), more than 88,000 people die from alcohol-related deaths each year in the United States. This doesn’t have to be the case.

We can and do recover.

With God and each other.

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.”

Galatians 5:13

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THE DIFFERENCE IS YOU

Many have heard this story, but it is worth repeating.

It revolves around an old man who goes for a walk on the beach after a big storm has passed. That day, the beach was littered with starfish. From a distance, he spotted a little boy. The boy seemed to be picking something up and throwing it back into the sea. The man could see that he was doing this over and over again. The man asked the boy what he was doing. The boy replied that he was throwing the starfish back into the ocean. He said that if they were left there on the beach, they would die when the sun got high. To this, the old man replied that there were thousands of starfish on the beach! “You won’t make much difference” he told him. The boy picked another starfish and threw it back into the sea. Smiling, he then turned and told the man, “I made a difference to that one!”

That is how I feel about service to my people in recovery. It keeps me sober.

There are so many people in the world who are suffering from alcoholism and addiction. If I think of that, I can get overwhelmed and feel like just giving up—it’s too big of a task. Like seeing all of the starfish laying there on the beach. In my own recovery, which I handle daily with the tools I have been given, I can only affect change in me, and possibly a few around me. If I reach out. Be there.

I can’t change the opioid epidemic, so many suffering from alcoholism, hopeless and homeless addicts on the street—but, what I can do is help the one who is suffering next to me in a meeting. A few days sober, they are in need of a hand to reach out, and ear to hear and and body to walk next to them. I can make a difference for them on that scale.

Before I got sober, I would often lament how I wasn’t really making a difference in my life or the lives of others. Little did I know, the difference I could make would involve me addressing my own alcohol problem—then showing others how I stayed sober today.

That little kid throwing the starfish back into the sea and making a difference for that one—is me. It can be you, too.

First, you need to show up sober.
Get out of your own head and help another.
Then—See the difference you can make.

Service—it changed my life. It can change yours.

“You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

Galatians 5:13-14

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ACCEPTANCE

Just as the waves consistently roll in without my help, life happens without my having a say in it or my influence. I can’t change some things that bother me.

I have always had a problem with the word “acceptance,” and that has to do with my thinking that acceptance is this: me thinking I have to believe what you believe.

No.

Acceptance is when I stop resisting that you may think differently than me. What we resist, persists. In a prayer I know is a line that always gets to me, that defines acceptance:

“Taking this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it.”

When I hear those words, I feel calmed. I don’t have to like it or even participate in whatever it is. I just have to take things as they are. This is how it is right now. I still get to believe what I believe is the truth.

Wow! I like how God set that up. It’s just wrapping my brain around it that becomes the problem!

We have to cease fighting everyone and everything. When we allow this world to be as it is, we can let go of trying to fix that person or thing and focus on our own path of healing.

Right here. Right now. As it is.


“Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O LORD, my rock and my Redeemer.”
Psalm 19:14

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WHEN...

When I do this, I’ll be happy.
When this happens, I will...
When I get to this point, I...

Wow. When we start the sentence with this phrase, it implies we aren’t content with where we are right now. I am guilty of this. Death is a reminder that we need to live each day in the present and as if it’s our last day.

A friend, sober 26-years, died this last weekend. He went quickly. I am sad, but it’s how I want to go too—Quickly. Don’t we all?

Death took me to my bottom of my drinking, but now, in sobriety, death doesn’t have to take me out. I have all of the tools I need to stay sober in my sadness and feel the feelings—go to a meeting and share with others who are feeling those feelings too.

Last Monday, my friend was sitting right behind me in the meeting we attend together. I reached back to hold his hand for a moment in acknowledgment that he was there. It was what we call a chip meeting—where we give each other coins for various lengths of sobriety—He was getting his 26-year coin. I got to hand him his coin and hug him. After you get your coin, you pass it around the room for people to hold and bless. It usually comes back to the person. After the meeting, the last words I heard from him were, “My coin didn’t come back around the circle...oh, well, somebody must have needed it more than I did.”

The next week he was gone.

He didn’t need that coin where he was going. Someone else needed that coin to carry them. That’s how this program works. Last year, when he got his 25-year coin, he gave it to our Pastor. We freely give away what was so freely given to us—GRACE. In sobriety, we are given a chance to show up for others now that we are sober and free.

This man had many physical and medical struggles, but he persevered and showed up to share his experience, strength and hope with our group over the years. I have heard him share in meetings so many times and it gave me hope. One of the things he always said came from the first three steps of the 12 steps, distilled into three short sentences—

“I can’t. He can. I think I’ll let Him.” One. Two. Three.

Today I have hope because of another sober brother.

You can too. If not now, then when?

I choose to live today, content that I have one more sober day to live and serve.

You?

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
James 1:2-4

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F.E.A.R.

False Evidence Appearing Real

If I look around in the world, I can find all the evidence I need to prove that I should stay in fear. It takes measure of trust and faith to not buy into the false evidence.

I can’t be in fear and faith at the same time.

Fear tells us that we are small, powerless, and separate.

Faith affirms that we are great, creative, and connected.

When I choose faith instead of fear, I am seeing the not-quite-so-obvious evidence before me. The miracles that are subtle that I get to be thankful for in the moment—a friend calling for help to get to a meeting, a text where I can reassure someone they can do this day sober, or just witnessing a beautiful sunrise or sunset that gives me hope.

All because I am sober and present to find the evidence for my faith to live this life sober.

I can—

Forget Everything And Run
or
Face Everything And Recover

Which voice do you choose to be your guide?

I am bigger than fear. I choose faith as I step forward and live in the light. Oh God, You paint the sky with miracles in mind. My tearful eyes joyfully receive the awesome stroke of your brush.

Thank you, God, for another day of sobriety so that I can see Your wonders before me every day.

If I can do it, so can you.


“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7 King James Version

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BRAIN FLIP

I practice what I call a Brain Flip when I find myself upside-down in my thinking. I have to practice right-side-up-thinking.

When walking straight into a negative situation, and I feel like I cannot avoid the “crap storm,” I immediately ask myself, “How can I flip this?” Turn it around and look for the positive moment, the comedy, the lesson here. My mind begins to focus on something different, and I can knock myself out of a funk quickly this way. Here’s how—

I gather evidence.

I can gather evidence—to prove that I am terrible person, disregarding all the good info and just logging all the mess-ups, mistakes and errors that I make in life. In this way, I am gathering evidence to prove to myself that I am the screw-up here.

Or—

I can flip it, and—gather evidence and look for what I did right in the situation. Paying attention to the details (evidence) placed before me. What can I learn from this situation? How can I look beyond the obvious? What is being revealed to me? What is my motive? Who is being helped here? Who can I serve? Sometimes it’s me—Sometimes it’s you.

There is a concept called “act as if”—where you think and act the way you believe you want to be—not drinking, showing up sober, sharing by talking, acting like you are a free and whole person—and you keep doing this behavior until your brain believes that this is the truth for you.

And that’s when I start living it.

Changing my thoughts changes my behaviors.

I am proof it works.

Try it.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
Romans 12:2



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RITUAL AND SPIRITUAL

I heard a sermon this last weekend where the pastor pointed out that the word Ritual is within the word, Spiritual. It may be coincidental, but I found it fascinating. And, I think they are linked to each other in a powerful way, especially in my recovery.

The etymology of the word Ritual is from Latin—ritualis, from rite.

The etymology of the word Spiritual is from Latin—of breathing, of wind, from spiritus.

One of my rituals every morning is to rise early, take my dog out to do his thing and pray the Third Step Prayer for this day. Many mornings I am surprised by a joyful painting in the sky of the sunrise that God has done—like this one above. I take it very personally. I am thankful for this gift to remember that it’s not all about me! I need to get out of my own head first thing in the morning. It’s not about what I have to do for me in my schedule, but what I will do for others today. It is that preparing for the day. Sunrise ritual.

Another day to show up sober and serve.

Third Step Prayer: “God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Amen”

The line that gets me is, “Relieve me of the bondage of self,”—I actually have a physical reaction to saying this out loud. My body relaxes and peace takes its place. Whew. I can breathe. That is the spiritual part of this ritual. I believe as we practice our rituals of good habits, we grow exponentially toward our spiritual self-awareness and our purpose.

I was not big on ritual or habitual things when drinking—except when it had to do with my drinking habit, which I spent a lot of time planning. How to acquire it, drink it, then hide or get rid of the bottles afterward. Rinse and repeat. Sounds like I was good at that ritual, right? Looking back, how exhausting that was!

Now, I count on the habits and rituals I have adopted to replace the destructive cycle that does not serve me or others anymore. This is definitely the easier, softer way. In the program of recovery, it is established that once these new habits and rituals get put in place, there is a spiritual component that kicks in to carry us.

I am free—and—I need to continually let go and not try and control the outcomes in my day.

Try it.

It works for me.


“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness.”
2 Peter 1:5-6

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THE STEPS TAKE YOU

In Step Twelve of the 12-step program, it says this:

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

The part that jumped out at me the other day is “...to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Sometimes, I am surprised at how far I have come in sobriety. That I just practice these steps in all that I do without thinking about it anymore. My grand-sponsor, Dossie, is gone now—but I still hear voice saying these words in a cadence all her own, “We take the steps. And, we take the steps. And, pretty soon we realize, the steps are taking us.”

What that means for me is that I have studied and done these 12 steps many times. On my own, with my own sponsor, or with the women I sponsor, these steps have become a way of life.

Sometimes, I will say, “Oh, yeah, step ten is needed here—when wrong promptly admit it.” or “I need to forgive that person or that will grow into a resentment that will destroy me.” or, “Boy, I need to turn THAT one over to God—no control over that—I am powerless.”

I am actually retired from my graphic design job now, but found myself volunteering for a last-minute-Hail-Mary-get-it-done-quickly-job for a dear friend all last week. I was smack dab in the middle of what used to cause me enormous anxiety, but found myself calm and centered through the process—because of the steps.

I called up all that I had learned about: noticing powerlessness (Step One), depending on God to give me the strength to accomplish the impossible (Step Two and Three), searching inside to know what was mine and what was NOT mine to take on (Step Four and Five), seeing my character defects surface and giving myself grace when they appeared (Step Six and Seven), making amends when I had overstepped (Step Eight and Nine), apologized when wrong and admitting it (Step Ten), then sought through prayer for God’s will in every situation and for the power to carry that out (Step Eleven), and finally, carry these messages to those who need to hear it and practice the steps in all that I do (Step Twelve.)

So grateful for this knowledge and for courage to practice the steps.

I believe that, by this example last week, I know the steps are now...

taking me.

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you...”
1 Thessalonians 5:18

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COMING HOME

It was my first meeting ever.

A dingy room downtown, filled with lively and chatty people. I was shaking madly. Not from nervousness, but from withdrawal.

My friend, Dan, leaned over to me and whispered that I didn’t need to announce myself when they asked for newcomers. But when they did, I jumped up automatically and said loud and clear, as though I had been preparing to do that for years,

“Hi, I’m Heidi, and I’m an alcoholic.”

Dan broke out laughing. At the time I didn’t understand why. Later, I would understand how hard it was to say those words out loud the first time. Not for me at that moment.

The freedom and relief in that moment was overwhelming—plus the room erupted in applause like I had just sunk a 30-foot putt!

Actually, I had.

Figuratively, I had been trying to line up that putt for years. Without God blowing it in the hole on the final two inches when the roll started to slow down, I never would have made it into the cup—or OUT of my cups, as they say.

I was ready. I had carried the weight of it long enough.

I was home.

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

James 5:16

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STILL ROW TO SHORE

There is a difference between giving up and surrendering.

BIG difference.

Giving up is all about me. If I give up, I have thrown in the towel. I can’t do it anymore and that is the end of it.

Surrender involves a partnership. Surrender means that I acknowledge there is something else out there to help me once I let go of my old ways.

God.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have no part in it anymore. It means that I have surrendered control and now my action plan to move forward has an invisible motor—power beyond myself that will lift and carry me through my own actions.

There is a poster of a man in a boat rowing all by himself. Water leaks into the boat from holes in the bottom making it look like he will sink. Above his head reads:

Trust in God. Below the boat it reads: And, still row to shore.

We are partners now. With God’s help and my own action steps, I can do this life sober—not giving up, but surrendering.

Sweet surrender…

Power.


“In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.”

Proverbs 3:6

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MORE IS BETTER?

Not always.

A friend just emailed me a recap of his holiday events. I was exhausted reading it. I feel like I finally have an understanding of why I don’t enjoy holiday events that much. I know. I sound like a scrooge.

Let me be clear—I absolutely love the true meaning and focus of Christmas—period.

AND, I’m not thrilled with all of the celebratory events and craziness that the holidays have evolved into—shopping, buying presents, cooking, eating, cooking eating, (yes, I meant to put that twice, and almost wrote it again, but restrained myself), candy, cookies, drinking, parties and more parties, family and more family, (everyone’s “unique quirks” are not a delight—ha ha—as my friend said!) Loud talking and merriment but no understanding or learning anything, events back to back with no rest, performances, celebrations, eating and more eating, decorating and rearranging your house for a month, then putting it all back and the clean up, endless clean up—

Overwhelm.

As my friend said, “Each thing taken in isolation is no big deal. I just kept feeling overwhelmed by the non-stop activity.”

The “more is better” theme was one I loved while drinking, meaning, I could just keep going on this buzz, you know? MORE always got me in trouble on every level, though. I found that my drinking helped me cope with the chaos. Or better yet, check out from it. The constant input on a nonstop level at Christmastime, could send me over the edge and my solution was to drink to calm down and deal with it all—or not. Mostly not. Dealing with it meant checking out. This season can be a huge trigger for those in early sobriety. Hard to be sober and present amid the chaos.

I find now, in sobriety, that taking care of myself, needs careful planning on my part. To not over-plan and to try and pick and choose the events that I want to attend. Keeping my sanity and sobriety depend on those choices. In doing this, I can actually enjoy the event I chose and be present for the takeaway. Not just tick it off my list of what I “committed to” because I “should have.”

My friend said this, “I have come to the conclusion that I don’t really enjoy family gatherings or crowds in general.”

If you think about it, our sobriety meetings would be the same way if we allowed cross talk, right? We’d all be chattering and nobody would be listening or actually hearing anything. That’s how family gatherings are for me. Everybody talking at once and not saying anything. Don’t get me wrong—I love my family—and, the chaos and over-stimulating input can be overwhelming. I much prefer one-on-one sharing or visiting. I walk away from those smaller visits feeling like I have made a difference, unlike the “being with everyone and finding out nothing” group experience. That’s why meetings are so unique. We actually hear each other and learn something.

I used to scoff when my father talked about “doing everything in moderation” because it sounded so boring. Thank you, Dad, for the revelation and reminder that is now my mantra.

Now, I crave my routine and quiet life. Less is better—has become my peace-making thought.

Try it.

It could maintain your sanity.

And, just might keep you sober for today.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Romans 12:2

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SOBER NEW YEAR'S EVE

My main goal on New Years Eve since I got sober is to stay off the roads after 5:00 p.m. One of the women I sponsor was chairing a meeting at 5:30 pm and I couldn’t miss it.

I had watched her go in and out of sobriety (mostly out)—in and out of rehab, hospitals numerous times, Child Protective Services almost taking her kids, crashing her car—all of it. But after all of this I knew she wanted it. I knew she wanted to stay sober.

My sponsor always said to me, “They have to want it MORE than you want it for them.”

I had to watch her hit her very bottom and also to let her go when it did happen—over and over again. This was part of my journey and the lesson God wanted me to learn. I could not make her stay sober. It was out of my hands. Out of hers.

After saying to my sponsor, “There must have been something I could have said or done to keep her from relapsing…” And, her response to me was, “Heidi, you’re not that powerful.” Ha, so true.

She now had 52 days of sobriety when one of my friends asked her to chair the New Year’s Eve meeting. I had to be there. She looked beautiful. She was finally living in a sober living house, going to meetings every day, helping others, and most importantly—Letting others help her.

Her light was on.

As I sat there in the very small meeting of about ten people, watching her chair so beautifully, the overwhelming thought came over me that brought me to tears:

“She finally wants her sobriety MORE than I want it for her!”

What a blessing and a gift to receive on New Year’s Eve. I drove home, sober and content.

She did too.

Thank God.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

John 1:5

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GOD’S WILL OR MINE?

How do we really know the difference between God’s will for us and our own will?

I have struggled with this thought for most of my life. While asking God to show me His will, I am not always clear that the decisions I make are the direction I should be going. I can even justify all that I decide to do as God’s will by righteously deciding on my own that this is the “right” way to go in my own mind. Even justifying the “so-called” signs I see that I think are leading me—my own interpretation or perception.

While in my active drinking days, I just forged ahead in my own will not always getting great results. Actually, most of the time, not—ha ha. I wanted God to help me stop drinking, but didn’t actually want to stop drinking. I just wanted His help to manage my life while I kept drinking. Mostly, because I could not imagine living a life without alcohol. Ego. So self-centered. So me. Always what I wanted, not what I needed.

Not until I completely surrendered my own will, did God reveal to me how this works.

Then it was quite obvious. It is the peace that comes after that surrender for me.

Remember the “Highlights” magazines in the dentist’s office when you were a kid, where the center spread was a drawing with all kinds of hidden animals in the scene. I loved finding the hidden creatures. I was excited and at peace all at the same time when I had solved the puzzle. Once I found the squirrel in the tree, I couldn’t unsee the squirrel. The light was on and there it was. That’s what it’s like for me.

In my surrender, It becomes obvious what I should do next. I can not not do what I am supposed to do. I just have to do it and not resist. To be available and show up, not knowing what the outcome will be. The not knowing part is the hard part. That is God’s part.

Now, my decisions going forward are based on getting my own self-interests moved aside—basically, getting out of my own way and how I want it to be. Letting go. That is my part in it, or my will. It took my will to let go. That was when I was able to get any power back and have peace. The key part of this is the peace part. I had no peace doing things totally on my own power until I aligned my will with God’s. Sometimes, I don’t even know what that is. I just know I can’t control it or manipulate the details. I get to do what I can and then trust. I still have God’s gift of free will—to choose His will or mine.

When I let go and trust that God can handle my feelings, fears, and doubts—then, and only then, can the awesome miracles start to unfold right before my very eyes. I start my day, every day, with the Third Step Prayer, which helps me so much. My favorite line “Relieve me of the bondage of self”—get me out of your way, God—actually brings physical calm when I say it.

No God, No Peace.
Know God, Know Peace.

Try praying this prayer below and then going about your day. Notice how your day goes.

God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Amen
Third Step Prayer

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LIGHT OF THE WORLD

In this season, beyond the busy shopping, office parties, festive gatherings and happy celebrations, there are those still hurting. Some from loss and some possibly nearing the bottom of their addiction. This time of year can be a huge trigger.

A sober friend sent me this writing below as a response to his Bible reading for the day. He gave me permission to share it. This writing is a reminder that we can be that light to others who need us to be the hope that they can recover and thrive again too:

“Imagine a meeting. All of the 60-plus days people are sitting in the circle breathing normally with alert eyes and posture that indicates peace with oneself. These are all candles. Lit candles shining with a hint of warmth. Shining so much that the electric lights may be dimmed, but the interior of the room is clearly visible. In walks the addict, barely dry from the last bender. The unmoving frown, dull eyes, and closed, self-conscious posture. The addict is able to easily find a back row seat in the candle lit room. The emotionless face looks around the room at nobody. The lights slowly come into focus. The lights take the shape of people that speak out to share the light. Willing lamplighters. The addict can see, for perhaps the first time in years, that hope and help are available. If willing, the addict can take the light being shared and rekindle a flame in themselves that had long been forgotten. Then, one day at a time, the light grows brighter for others to see and cannot be hidden.”

The photo of the candles represents that hope my friend is talking about—of a meeting and sitting in a room full of lighted sober souls ready to help. As you can see, there is one candle in the middle that has not been lighted. That is you—or WAS you—or somebody you know.

To me, that is the visual representation of a phrase we use in recovery about “staying in the middle of the herd.” That’s where we find our support and hope.

I pray that YOU can be the light and be the hope for somebody in need.

Or, that this reading can be the light and hope for you to get sober and follow the light around you today.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

Matthew 5:14-16

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SURPRISE PARTY

I heard a woman share in her story the other day that coming into a meeting for the first time was like, “They were throwing a surprise party just for me.”

Surprise! You’re an alcoholic!

Sometimes we are the last to know. We knew there was something wrong in our lives, but it couldn’t be the alcohol, right? Everybody does it. Just because I drink now and then, doesn’t make me an alcoholic. Now and then. That seemed to be the problem. The justification of now and then covered all of time for me. This was denial.

Plausible deniability: The idea that you can safely deny guilt or lie because no one can prove you did it.

We can be sneaky with ourselves and others. Denial is a good thing sometimes, but living in it keeps us stuck in place without possibility, of moving into health, growth or joy. Rinse and repeat. We keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Insanity.

So, when some consequence happens and takes us into a place where we get the baseball bat to the head, we actually see that what we are doing is not working anymore. That’s when we can start to poke holes in the top of the box we’ve put ourselves in. The light starts to shine through tiny holes and we can finally see how the alcohol might be a problem.

When we put down the drink. Ask for help. Come to meetings. Sit and listen to others’ stories that are remarkably like our own—that’s when the surprise party begins for us.

Yes, we are holding a place for you. There’s more of us that you realize. We are all here waiting to cheer you on to living in the truth and seeing that sobriety can be the surprise gift you were always wanting.

DENIAL: refusing to admit the truth or reality of something unpleasant.

TRUTH: the body of real things, events, and facts—sincerity in action, character, and utterance.

I have said so many times that I didn’t even want to BE and alcoholic, let alone a grateful one. Now, I am thrilled to admit that fact. I am a grateful alcoholic. In admitting it, I clear away all of the justification for bad behavior, break the silence that keeps my addiction in place, and I have a chance at seeing the truth—meeting it head on. And, the best part...

Surprise! I get to show up and help somebody like myself.

What a gift.

To them and to me.

You can do it too.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:32

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