ADAPTING TO CHANGE

Earlier this year we found out that our dog, Dash, had toe cancer. When the biopsy came back, we were told that the vet needed to amputate his left front inside toe. Fortunately, she performed the surgery and got it all. He is good as new. At first, he had a little trouble going up stairs just figuring out which foot to start with first, but he figured it out, step by step. We were worried he would have trouble walking, but he barely missed a beat. He hadn’t really noticed. Dogs are so adaptable and he was no exception. 

I woke one morning some weeks later, to find my “days of sobriety” number that my husband makes for me every day, sitting on the counter by my coffeemaker. It was day 6,770. On the back was one of my more favorite stickers—dog paws. When my husband greeted me, he pointed to the little paper number and said, “How’d you like the back? Too soon?”

I hadn’t noticed, but on the sticker, he had cut out the pad of Dash’s missing toe. It was so precious, thoughtful, creative and funny—so like my husband to think of that.

It made me ponder on how it was a lot like my early sobriety when I woke every morning not drinking anymore. It often felt like a part of me had been amputated. I had to learn to live without alcohol that had been part of me for so long. 

I learned to adapt, just like my dog. Turns out, he didn’t need that toe to keep walking.

Turns out I didn’t need alcohol to keep living my life—I was adapting.

Changing. Putting new behaviors in place to help me thrive without alcohol. Just stopping wasn’t enough. Just like Dash, it took me a while to figure it out, but step by step, day by day, it was working. I was thriving. Finding new ways to cope. Meetings. Connecting with others. Praying to God for strength to navigate this new life without alcohol.

Learning how to have fun again—be funny again. Enjoying being at a party with others who are drinking and not having to drink. Feeling my feelings of joy or sadness without having to act out on my mind-numbing behavior of drinking alcohol. Having a meaningful conversation with someone without being nervous and then being able to remember it later. All so new and so rewarding finding out it was possible to live without alcohol.

The key was to keep showing up each day and experiencing that I could do this life without alcohol. It gave me the encouragement to keep going. If I can do this, so can you.

As the long version of the serenity prayer says, “…Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace…”

I’d like to encourage you to try it.

One-day-at-a-time.

One-step-at-a-time.

Just like Dash and I did :))))

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WOUND CARE

I was talking to one of my nurse friends the other day about service to others. I listen carefully when she talks about nursing, as she does this for a profession. We were talking specifically about helping others in recovery.

It is tricky. 

As we recover in our own ways, it’s natural to see others struggling in their addictions and recovery along the way and want to help them. The tricky part is being available for them without stepping over the line and wanting to “do it for them.” Someone described co-dependency to me as, “helping at the expense of myself.” That’s not helping if I lose myself in the process. Over the line. They have to do the work part of it. I am just there to support.

I have never been good at going to the doctor, nor asking for help. When I do finally ask for help, I am still reluctant to listen to the advice. Stubborn. I think my ways are working. Ha ha. Obviously not. I wouldn’t be asking for help if my ways were working, right?

With that in mind, I know what I did when I first got sober and it worked for me— Surrender to God, go to meetings and learn what was working for others, stay connected, pray and keep showing up for myself and others for the learning process. I wanted to shout it from the mountaintops, “ This stuff is working!"” 

And—they have to realize that for themselves. I can’t do it for them. They will continue to have their excuses until they realize those excuses aren’t working. I can just come alongside and be there when they are ready to be helped.

In our program we have a concept called, “cleaning up our own side of the street.” In other words, staying in your own lane. They are watching. They will see how to do it from our actions. When they ask for help, we can step in.

My nurse friend said to me, “I am trained in wound-care. I know how to dress the wound. I can show up with all the right tools, disinfectant, balm and band-aids and be ready. It won’t help them heal if they are not willing to do their part of the work to be treated and healed. It’s a process and I am there to show them how. It’s important for me to realize that I am not in charge of what’s under the Band-Aid. That responsibility lies with their higher power.”

Wow. I was struck by the great analogy for me to serve when asked. I am now being trained in “wound care” also, as I have experienced the process of recovery. It is ongoing and I continue to learn about the process each day. 

I am continuously reminded that:

Others need to want it for themselves MORE than I want it for them.

Be willing to serve when asked for help.

Share what works for me and let them discover.

"One who was there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, “Do you want to get well?”  “Sir,” the invalid replied, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me.” Then Jesus said to him, “Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.” At once the man was cured; he picked up his mat and walked."

John 5:5-8

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SHOW UP

Want to make a difference?

Suit up. Show up. Sit in the chair in a meeting and listen to God talk to you through the others speaking of their transformation stories in the room.

Make a difference.

Sometimes the quickest way out of my own head is to help somebody else. And, sometimes, that help is just showing up and sitting there. Somebody is counting on it. I am counting on it.

Last night in a meeting the topic of sharing was about what tools we use to keep ourselves sober. Somebody said they just keep coming to meetings. Another woman said, “I count on seeing Heidi when I come in here. It is comforting to know she is still here after 6,850 days of being sober. Sometimes I wonder why she is still here after all of that time?”

Believe it or not, sometimes I wonder the same thing. I was touched by what she said and it can be true for you, too. When I hear you talk, it may be exactly what I needed to hear that day in the meeting, just because YOU showed up—and I did, too. You don’t know who you are helping that day just by sitting in the chair. You are being of service by showing somebody in the room how to walk this path with others.

At the end of our meetings we hold hands and we say the serenity prayer or the Lord’s prayer and at the end, we chant, “Keep coming back. It works.”

My spin on that chant that I add and say out loud is, “Keep coming back. It’s working.”

It’s about the process. It is continuous. I need to keep showing up for myself and for you!

Show up.

Make a difference.

It’s working.

“The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin new each morning.”

Lamentations 3:22-23

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BEING READY

I was finally finished. Ready to stop drinking on my 50th birthday. If I hadn’t, I am afraid I would not be here writing about it. Nobody could stop me. Nobody could make me see I was killing myself slowly. Nobody could convince me by facts. Not to be reasoned with. I was irrational.

You can’t rationalize facts to someone whose decisions are based upon emotion.

I was covering up the real facts with my delusional thoughts of what was real for me in the fog of my drinking state. I had become a victim and stuck in my own behaviors. Behaviors that I believed were working for me, protecting me. They weren’t. Those behaviors were just keeping me stuck. Old behaviors. I didn’t believe I could live my life without alcohol. I didn’t even try. I had tried. But, at the end, my body was so addicted, it would not let me stop drinking. I needed it. That is addiction. My mind kept praying, “Make it stop. Make it stop.” But, I really didn’t want to stop or know how.

People who support alcoholics/addicts that they love often say, “How can they choose drugs and alcohol over their own children or family?” It is hard to understand, but at the point of addiction, it is not a choice anymore. They can’t choose anything else—without help. it is all self-focused. All survival. No looking outward.

They have to be ready to stop. Ready for change. Ready to surrender to outside help from others, including GOD.

If I could have stopped on my own power before I finally did, I would have. Only when I was ready, did I completely give myself over to God to a new way of living. Then is when my miracle happened. the obsession was lifted because I asked—because I was ready to turn it all over to God.

My sponsor said to me when the first woman I sponsored had relapsed. “Heidi, they have to want their sobriety more than you want it for them.” and, I responded, “Well, there must have been something I could have said or done?” to which she replied, “Heidi, you are not that powerful.”

It was stunning to me at the time. But the same realization I had when I knew I could not stop on my own, that surrendering to God for help was it. That was the Power I was seeking once again—or for the first time.

Then and only then, can I begin to see you. See God. I know—You were both there the whole time. My eyes weren’t open yet. I needed to see it on my own.

Thanks for waiting for me.

I love this old hymn that describes this ready point. I know you are humming the tune now!

“Open my eyes that I may see

Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;

Place in my hands the wonderful key

That shall unclasp and set me free.

Silently now I wait for Thee,

Ready, my God, Thy will to see;

Open my eyes, illumine me,

Spirit Divine!”

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JOY OF FAILURE

Joy?  

I heard someone say recently, “Joy isn’t the lack of fear and awful circumstances—It’s how you go through them."

Failure is necessary.

It brings experience, more knowledge, and growth. I thought I was a failure admitting I was an alcoholic. The failure part was in not admitting I had a problem all those years. That was my experience when I finally got sober.

Then, I began to figure out that I could live this live without alcohol. That was knowledge I didn’t have after years of failing to stop drinking.

That was growth.

Someone who survives failure—gotten to the bottom, the end of drinking—and takes alcohol out of the equation, is a success in doing just that. More importantly, we learn the unstoppable perseverance that comes from overcoming hardship. We may still suffer disappointments in our sober lives going forward, but we keep going through it. Sober this time.

We are taught from a young age that failing is bad and something to fear.

You can only be a failure if you give up.

I love the game of golf. It is a fun game and holds many life lessons. One annoying fact for me is that a 200-yard drive is equal to a 2-inch putt in stroke value. I want the good score. Knocking off strokes on the scorecard is the goal to a lower score. Yet, I can still have a good time even if I don’t score well. That is the biggest life-lesson in golf. It can still be fun, even if I am not very good at it. I learned not to give up—to keep showing up—go on to the next hole.

That’s what keeps me playing. My success at golf happens before I even get on the golf course. It starts with my attitude. It’s my frame of mind before I tee off my very first drive. “I am going to have fun today, no matter how I score.” I have already won.

Failure is inevitable in golf (and life.) Terrible drive, not-so-good fairway, goofed-up chip shots and 3-put into the hole. Bad hole. New hole coming up. Clean slate. One-hole-at-a-time.

Success is staying in the journey, one-shot-at-a-time (not my scorecard result)

This is how I view my sobriety. My life can be good and fun, even if I have messed it up before this. I am learning to stay in the game, Sober. One-day-at-a-time.

Attitude. Start the day grateful, “Thank you, God for another day of sobriety. Help me to stay in service and gratitude, no matter what happens.”

Sober.

Grateful.

One-day-at-a-time.

“But those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Isaiah 40:31

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REAL INDEPENDENCE

I was touched by this AA Daily Reflections reading pictured above. We read it last Saturday morning in a zoom meeting that I attend—as often as my eyes will open that early—6 am. 

Of course, I tried to express myself in the meeting by sharing and articulating how it touched me and botched it completely. In my opinion. I admit that my coffee had not kicked in yet, but I was restricted by a host of other things and all tied up in my feeble brain. Tied up in Self. I have thought a lot about it since.

The sentence that jumped out at me was this one:

"Before I became willing, I depended on myself for all my needs and I was restricted by my incompleteness.”

I was restricted by myself and my own willingness to learn more about the power that was available to me beyond myself.

Limited.

How can growth happen when I am limited by what I already know?

It can’t. I remain stuck. Limited by my own power. My own knowledge. There is no ability to learn more when I don’t have relationship. With others and God. Outside of self.

I am really independent, when I know that I am not just “dependent” on myself—IN dependent. Not dependent on self. 

Allowing full access to other knowledge and power. 

Real growth

Real faith in action.

Real independence.

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Hebrews 11:1

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HOPE

Some days it feels hopeless.

Then, I get an email from Zambia, Africa from my friend, Lena, with this photo. I sent Tammy his one year chip recently. Look at this smile of hope. Today I am filled with hope for those in recovery. Lena tirelessly gives of her time to mentor and coach the men who come into her sober living house called, Kuyamba— meaning “Starting Point, New Beginning”

If Tammy can do it, so can you and I.

If you want to feel hope today, watch this 7 minute video.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jjmiEVbOzlw

To find out more about African Shade and support their mission, please check out:
Africanshade.org

“…We who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.”

Hebrews 6:18-19

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SURRENDER

Sometimes I look at what is happening in the world and go directly to FEAR.

False Evidence Appearing Real—F.E.A.R.

Fight or Flight. Die or save myself.

Every situation is not that extreme. But my mind does not know that.

God put that knee-jerk response in us for our protection and survival. I see or experience what is directly in front of me—what is actually happening. And, then there is my perception of things. The problem for me is how to discern between what appears to be true and what is not.

That’s when I go to God and surrender with the Serenity prayer:

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And, the wisdom to know the difference.”

Help me with my perception of this situation, God. I need to accept that I am not the one to fix it or change it. And, then I can begin to have the wisdom to know the difference—aligning with God’s will and not my own.

The Serenity prayer helps me center and have peace in all things.

Thy will, not mine be done.

That is peace.

For me and for you.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7

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PAY IT FORWARD

How do I repay the debt of someone helping me when I needed it most?

Pay it forward.

Since getting sober, I have enjoyed the path of service to others like nothing else in life. When the fog of my drinking obsession was lifted by God 6,808 days ago, I learned that the best way out self was to help somebody else. I got a sponsor that helped me work the 12-steps of AA. As I transformed, I found that I could help others, too. This is the 12th Step, “Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs”

In fact, I might even say that I have found my purpose.

I have been blessed by God with the gift of artistic talent, which has served me well. It allowed me to enjoy a career in graphic design. I also enjoy sharing that artistic gift with others in painting dog portraits for people. The look on their faces when they see their dog come to life in a watercolor painting is such a gift of joy—the best payment of all. I always thought that was my purpose.

However, nothing gives me more satisfaction and feeling of joy and purpose than to help another person work through their problems. To help them in a way that gives them hope going forward. These are the rewards of sponsoring women through the 12 Steps of AA.

The most important thing I learned along the way was that I don’t have the answers. My job isn’t to give them answers. The job of a sponsor is to guide a person through the steps and listen. I may have opinions on what I hear, but those might not always be helpful. The main thing is to listen and to hold space for another to express their thoughts and to be heard.

I learned how to point the person back to themselves by asking key questions. My sponsor never gave me the answers. She listened and based on the facts she heard, she formed questions that challenged my current way of thinking. She asked me to look inside to find the answers. When I didn’t know, to ask God to guide me to the truth.

Only then, in my review of what came up, did I arrive at a clear perception of truth. I could either keep thinking that way and stay stuck, or course-correct. I could try a different thought and put in place other behaviors that supported the new way of thinking. In experiencing this method, I found that I could help others too.  

Pay it forward.

Magic, for you and for me. In being the mirror for others, I get to help them grow and receive that benefit for myself as well. This has given me great joy. To be sponsored through the 12-Step process. And, then turn around and sponsor others through the same process.

This is where recovery, transformation and restoration happen.

Joy and purpose.

I am grateful.

“The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”

Matthew 20:28

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SPIN CYCLE

This is such a great visual on what happens in my head—the spin cycle on the washing machine. Crazy thoughts continuously turning around in a circle coming back to the same place of aggravation. Then, adding more to the turning by adding my own spin on it and letting it cycle around in my brain once more. Then again. Churning, until the problem seems insurmountable.

What then?

Until I get it out of my head, I can’t look at it with any degree of clarity or truth. This is when my recovery meetings really help. Being with others to say out loud what is going on in my head. Once I put it out here in the world to others, either speaking it or in writing, I can get a different perspective on it. Doing this takes so much power out of the situation that was living in my head. All of the spin and judgement I was adding to it in my head falls away.

It never looks quite as ominous out here in the world where it is shared. Speaking it out or writing it on paper, I can see how this may not be the truth. That in the spin cycle in my brain, as in the laundry cycle, I can add detergent to whitewash — or add more dirt and judgement to it to blow it out of proportion. Right?

Connecting with others and talking about what is troubling me, gets it out of the dangerous territory of my brain. Others can help me gain perspective. Then, I get to give the problem to God and let go of the outcome. That is the only way I can get peace on any given situation.

I can move toward acceptance, which is a word I have always struggled with. It implies for me to just take it and “live with it.” Something in my own will that I don’t necessarily want, but have to accept. Things out of my control—there it is. I have learned to shift the word “acceptance” in my mind to this phrase in the long version of the Serenity Prayer, “…taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it. Trusting that you will make everything right, if I surrender to your Will.”

As it is, not as I would have it. This phrase affects me physically. It takes my control out of it. It allows me to calm down and have peace.

Try it.

• Tell somebody else—take the power out.

• Write it down in your journal.

• Give it to God and trust Him with the outcome.

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Hebrews 10:24-25

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LETTING GO OF DETAILS

I find that I can wrap my brain around so many small details that there is no room for spiritual light to come in and work the magic on me. Then, I am confused, unsettled, and irritable—carrying around the meaningless stuff of this world.

That’s when I turn to the immense creation of nature—when this verse comes into my mind. I am closer to people, to animals, nature and to God when I free my mind of details of this world and be still to witness the power in the stillness and calm.

“Be still and know that I am God”

Psalm 46:10

God can’t be invited into my life to sit down and have a conversation when I am so busy with other consuming thoughts and things I need to do taking up space in my head.

When I have difficulty with this, I pray for release of the not needed information and details. Praying only for the knowledge of His Will for me and the power to carry that out. This keeps me grounded in His love and grace, as I go about each day.

Then, and only then, will I know peace.

I pray that for you, today too.

Peace.

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WALK AWAY

A recovery friend sent me an article about how dogs can teach us about conflict resolution. My pastor also preached on conflict resolution this weekend, talking about ways to deal with it. So, I guess I needed to blog about it too.

The article talked about how the author got sucked into a conflict with another dog owner at the dog park by charging back at him defensively, much likes dogs snarling at each other— instead of just walking away—not taking on what wasn’t his to carry.

I was just having this conversation with a woman the other day. I said to her the best way that I know, when someone comes at me with really high emotion (and, I know that it is not me)—

Don’t engage.

Engagement is when the battle starts and then escalates. No thinking, only reacting in anger. Peace can not come in the middle of the battle. As my pastor said, “Anger is intoxicating.” He suggested, we need to:

• Delay it.

• Take a break and calm down.

• Step out of the center of the equation and get out of victim.

• Look at why I reacted, my triggers.

• Be unprovokeable by walking away without reacting.

When I was drinking and full of my own pride, all of these suggestions went out the window. Now, in sobriety, these techniques protect me and allow me to calm down. Peace can only come when I can communicate without emotion and tell the truth with nothing added.

So hard, but worth it.

Peace through strength.

Walk away.

“Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord. See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many.”

Hebrews 12:14-15

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F.I.N.E.

I’m FINE.

Really.

Well, that’s what I was hoping you would believe.

What I was presenting on the outside that covered the real story buried deep inside. Much like the stories obsessively posted on Facebook and Instagram of the perfect life, not revealing the fear and insecurities going on behind the scenes. Social media posting being another form of addiction and obsession assuring ourselves that we are FINE, getting agreement about it with likes.

One of my friends in my recovery meetings often says when she shares, “I’m from the FINE Family. Everything is fine. Don’t talk about anything, don’t feel, don’t share what’s really going on...We’re all FINE.”

F.I.N.E.— Fearful, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional

When I was deep in my addiction of alcoholism, I was not dealing with what was real in my own mind, drinking and blurring reality. I couldn’t show YOU what was really going on. The only thing I knew to do was pretend. Lie. Drink more. Put on a happy face. Present a rosy exterior so you believed I was okay—FINE.

Furthermore, who really expects a deep and real answer to the question we quite often greet each other with, “How are you?” Then we respond, “FINE. How are you?”—Then we move on to surface conversation. Nobody really expects to hear, “Well, I’m not really okay. I’m a mess. I’m falling apart.”

Funny thing—

I found that answer was well-received in a recovery meeting. I didn’t expect to get a standing ovation when I said out loud for the first time, “Hi, I’m Heidi. I’m an alcoholic and I am not okay right now.”

But I did.

I go to recovery meetings now, to hear people share their real stories of how unmanageable their lives were when they stumbled into the rooms of recovery. I sit there and slowly heal by hearing others like myself tell the unpolished version of their stories and their lives. I get to hear God talk to me through them!

If I stay long enough, I get to watch transformation happen. Miracles. Slowly. One-day-at-a-time. And, watch the process turn around from the unreal picture of FINE to the grace-filled picture of FINE in sobriety—

Free, Inspired, Nourished, and Empowered.

Free from the bondage of self and addiction, Inspired to participate in life again, Nourished by the fellowship and spirituality I see in my fellows that are healing too. Empowered to purpose again and to being of maximum service to God and to others.

A different kind of FINE in sobriety.

We break the chains of secrecy by coming into the light of recovery.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

James 5:16

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FORCE OF NATURE

Depending on the circumstances, this phrase can be either meant positively as a compliment or negatively as an insult. To say a person is a force of nature means the person is a very strong personality or character. In short, a person that is full of full of energy, unstoppable, and unforgettable—

In a negative or positive way.

Know that force of nature is a legal term also known as "an Act of God" In law, it means an event outside of human control, so no one can be held responsible.

Out of control

Out of OUR control.

Interesting distinction.

When in the disease of addiction we can sometimes be a force of nature—out of control. Out of other people’s control. Out of our own control. Just like destruction that happens in nature with ocean waves destroying coastlines, we go about destroying our own lives and others’ lives in our wake. Most times we are not even aware of what we are doing. We are still responsible—but out of control in our behaviors.

Out of control.

However, when we sober up and look around at the damage, It is overwhelming. We begin to repair one step at a time. First, in our own lives, then making amends with others who were affected by our out of control negative energy.

When we finally realize that ALL things are out of our control, then we can turn to God and lean on Him to start the reparations and restoration. We still need to show up and do the work, but God is in control. Not me. We are still responsible—but now, can control to choose new healthy behaviors.

Out of OUR control.

Now that we have discovered our partnership with God and our own purpose again in sobriety, we can go about being a force of nature—full of energy, unstoppable, and unforgettable—in a positive way.

Here are some ways to Let Go and Let God, One Day at a Time:

1) Identify what you can control—and what you can’t.

2) Address what you can control.

3) Surrender what you can’t control.

4) Meditate on the promises of your faithful God.

5) Choose a “letting go” motto—mine is, “this is yours, God.”

6) Resolve to act on faith, not in fear.

I am responsible for, and in control of my own behaviors

God is in control of the outcomes.

“ I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.”

Philippians 4:12-13

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AS SICK AS OUR SECRETS

You can’t heal what you won't reveal.

Secrets—keep addiction firmly in place. Telling the truth—brings our addictions into the light and helps us take the power out of it—giving us a chance at recovery.

Freedom—like this pelican flying free in the light.

Freedom from carrying the weight of the shame that keeps us from growing and changing, and allowing us to be more available to serve others. Sometimes sharing our shame, not only frees us, but can help others identify and come forward into recovery too.

The healing begins when we shine light on our darkest secrets.

The dictionary defines SECRET as: 

a : kept from knowledge or view : hidden
b : marked by the habit of discretion : closemouthed
c : working with hidden aims or methods : undercover
d : not acknowledged

Wow. My drinking was all of that—hidden, I didn’t talk about it (if I didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t really happening.) I was undercover and sneaky. I didn’t acknowledge my obsession to you OR me! These are all unpleasant realities, so I was in denial about it all.

The definition of DENIAL is:
Refusing to admit the truth or reality of something unpleasant

I think that denial as a defense mechanism works for only so long, then the denial starts to work against us, keeping behaviors in place that don’t serve us anymore.

Obviously, some truths need to be carefully revealed, if they affect others, but this is where working with another person to process things can be so helpful. Keeping it in the dark only gives it power.

The truth really will set you free and begin the healing process.

Try it.

It’s the easier, softer way.

“No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.”

Luke 8:16-17

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INTEGRITY

The word integrity evolved from the Latin adjective integer, meaning a whole number or complete number, not a fraction.

Integrity is defined as 'an undivided or unbroken completeness', or 'a state of being complete or whole'. When used to describe a person, it refers to the concept of living by one's values and principles.

Living my life sober is living with integrity.

In the Big Book of AA, it describes this about the process of getting sober—no fractions here. No doing it partly or halfway, “Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.” page 10, Big Book of AA

Complete Abandon.

All of me.

Integrity.

Join us.

“Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny. May God bless you and keep you—until then”

A Vision for You, page 164 of The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous

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DAMAGE

This fiery sunrise photo was taken Christmas morning. The inset photo was taken the morning of January 5th. The pier leading out to the famous Cement Ship in Aptos was gone in an instant from our last storm.

The loss I felt looking at this sight felt huge with the weight of what it represented for me.

Stability gone.

Wiped out. That is what addiction does to families.

As sad as it was to see half of the pier missing, perhaps it took a “storm” in my own life to clear out the broken and decayed parts. In the wake of our addiction, we leave damage behind—in the form of broken relationships with all those we claim to love. We had become “hard to love” in our broken state. People didn’t know how to deal with our chaos and instability. WE didn’t know how to deal with our own addiction and behaviors—so the storm raged on.

The illusion of what we thought was working (because we didn’t know another way) gets ripped away when the final destructive wave of bad behavior hits us. Breaking the old brittle piers away. We are stripped bare.

When that happened for me, I had to surrender to the myth of “having it all together” that I had created, and face the truth—that I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable. Time to try something different. New behaviors.

The good news is that my foundation was still there on which to rebuild. God was my anchor. When I finally surrendered, I was able to ask God for help. Then, ask people for help. To begin the process of building something entirely new that was more beautiful and functional than the previous structure.

The rebuild process of recovery is long and continuous. Step by step. The waves of life keep coming, but the foundation keeps getting stronger. The incremental steps become monumental moving forward.

It’s never too late to rebuild.

Start today.

You won’t regret it.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”

Matthew 7:24-27

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NORMAL

I heard a newly-sober young man share in a meeting the other day. He was talking about loving his normal life now, having just over 30 days of sobriety.

Normal ?

I heard this in a meeting when I first got sober: “Normal is a setting on a washing machine.” I loved that. In my newly sober mind, I had to rethink what was normal—without the drinking part. Everything had to be different from my old normal.

This man started to talk about how he didn’t have a care in the world about anybody or anything when he was drinking and using. How he did not think about the future and had no hope of things ever being different than his current chaotic way of living.

Then he said this, “I even like using my calendar now. I like planning out my meetings.” This kid sat there talking about being excited to actually use his calendar! What a gift. Showing up alert and sober.

Wow—think about it. The calendar represents future events. Hope. When I was drinking, I had no hope of anything being different. When I got sober, I could plan for future events, counting on the fact that I would be present to actually show up for them!

I remember somebody asking me in early sobriety if I had done 90 in 90 yet? Ninety meetings in Ninety days. I can do that. Out came my calendar and I marked my meetings in ink on my paper calendar. It gave me hope and resolve that I was going to stay sober each day by going to meetings and connecting with others like myself.

The scripture I added here at the bottom talks about the enemy. I think of drugs and alcohol as the enemy prowling around trying to destroy me and not letting me have full access to my mind, body and spirit.

Separation from God. Now that the enemy—alcohol—is out of the equation, I have full access to God and the power available to show up and be of service to others and to myself.

Use my calendar.

Have hope for the future.

Be present for today.

“Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”

1 Peter 5:8

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LETTING GO OF DETAILS

I can wrap my brain around so many details that there is NO room for God’s spiritual light to come in and work the magic—especially at this busy time of year.

That's where this verse comes into my mind. I find that I am closer to people, to animals, to nature and to God when I free my mind of details of this world.

“Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10

God can’t be invited into my life to sit down and have a conversation when I am so busy with other thoughts and “to-do’s” that are taking up space in my head.

If I have difficulty with this, I pray for release of not needed information and details. Praying only for the knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out.

Then, and only then, will I know peace.

No God. No Peace — Know God. Know Peace.

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MORE.

More parties. More drinking. More expectations. More disappointments. More invitations—no invitations. More family challenges. Loss. Death. Loved ones dead and gone. Memories of the past—bad and good. More photos on social media of “perfect lives”—

More of everything.

Just a little bit crazy. For us all—in every possible way. And, especially for alcoholics and addicts. This time of year is usually already crazy with anxiety and stress for people who are trying to maintain their sobriety—just being around friends and relatives who are celebrating with lots of drinking (and drugging.)

When I found alcohol, I found more of ME. More fun. More is better, right? Except when more became never enough. How much was enough? Two drinks? Six? Ten? Until I passed out? Apparently that was enough.

Addiction is the disease of more—of never enough. I was chasing that high forever after that first rush. Alcohol freed me from my fears in the world. Until it didn’t. Enough was when I came to the end of me. I asked God for help and He gave it. Then, God freed me from the fears of this world.

Today—I get to ask Him again tomorrow.

When I got sober, I didn’t have the crutch of alcohol anymore, I had to seek other behaviors that supported my sobriety. Going to meetings and talking with others like myself—hearing God talk to me through the victories they share. Praying for God’s will in my life. Helping others and getting out of my own head and thinking. I focus on gratitude. What I do have. I try and help others like myself. I practice self care (which is not selfish, by the way.) If I don’t take care of me first, I am not going to be available for others. How can I be of service to others if I am drunk, isolated or I don’t show up?

I don’t have to be in a drinking setting, especially when I am feeling vulnerable. I can go to the party for a while and then leave when the crazy ramps up. It starts to get a little easier each day I continue on the path of sobriety. Nobody ever said, “Stop drinking and all of your problems will go away.”

Hardly.

In fact, I have experienced harder things in sobriety. The difference now is that with the alcohol out of my way, my head is clearer so I can make better choices and respond to things that happen in a more informed way. Alcohol was “separation from God” for me. Now, I can partner with God and face everything I need to with confidence and peace, knowing God is right there with me.

This life is not easy, but, now I have the tools to walk peacefully in this world and shine God’s light for others.

I hope I see you in a meeting.

I want to hear God speak to me—through your story!

I need you.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

John 16:33

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