I was a competitive swimmer in high school. I competed in every stroke, but my favorite stroke was butterfly. In the competition, it was critical that you stay in your own lane. If you didn’t, you would likely be disqualified if you interfered with another swimmer by entering their lane or reaching over the floating lane dividers.
Often swimming butterfly, if you veered a little off your straight line, both arms come over the top at the same time and you could fling your arms over into the next lane. I even remember bumping arms with someone in the next lane mid-stroke. I never got disqualified for that, but the lane dividers were there for just that purpose, to keep you on course in the right direction going forward.
There is a phrase in recovery that we use, “stay in your own lane” You can help another alcoholic and come alongside them, but you can’t do it for them. You can’t get into their life and meddle. If asked and invited, we can offer suggestions on how they might try a different behavior or course of action—guide them through the steps—But, they have to do the work.
Now, “Stay in your lane” has a very special meaning to me after getting sober, and realizing that I was a codependent person. I would like to fix and help everyone, so I slosh over into their lane regularly to tell them how their life would be easier if they just did “this” haha. The lanes are there for a purpose. a reminder to focus on my own responsibilities— not interfering in matters that do not concern me or where I lack sufficient knowledge.
I also use the phrase, “hands off” to myself and physically put my hands in the air, signaling that I am giving them to God. I cannot manage their sobriety for them. Early in my sponsoring days many years ago, I had a women relapse that I sponsored. I was so upset that I went to my sponsor and shared it with her. I said to her, “There must have been something I could have said or done to help her not relapse??” And, my sponsor so brilliantly said these words to me:
“Heidi, you are not that powerful.”
Hit me hard. God does not need my help. God is the one transforming them.
My job is just…
Swimmin’ alongside
Stayin’ and prayin’
Here for help when needed
“Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you. Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.”
Proverbs 4:25-26
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