F.E.A.R.

False Evidence Appearing Real

If I look around in the world, I can find all the evidence I need to prove that I should stay in fear. It takes measure of trust and faith to not buy into the false evidence.

I can’t be in fear and faith at the same time.

Fear tells us that we are small, powerless, and separate.

Faith affirms that we are great, creative, and connected.

When I choose faith instead of fear, I am seeing the not-quite-so-obvious evidence before me. The miracles that are subtle that I get to be thankful for in the moment—a friend calling for help to get to a meeting, a text where I can reassure someone they can do this day sober, or just witnessing a beautiful sunrise or sunset that gives me hope.

All because I am sober and present to find the evidence for my faith to live this life sober.

I can—

Forget Everything And Run
or
Face Everything And Recover

Which voice do you choose to be your guide?

I am bigger than fear. I choose faith as I step forward and live in the light. Oh God, You paint the sky with miracles in mind. My tearful eyes joyfully receive the awesome stroke of your brush.

Thank you, God, for another day of sobriety so that I can see Your wonders before me every day.

If I can do it, so can you.


“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
2 Timothy 1:7 King James Version

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BRAIN FLIP

I practice what I call a Brain Flip when I find myself upside-down in my thinking. I have to practice right-side-up-thinking.

When walking straight into a negative situation, and I feel like I cannot avoid the “crap storm,” I immediately ask myself, “How can I flip this?” Turn it around and look for the positive moment, the comedy, the lesson here. My mind begins to focus on something different, and I can knock myself out of a funk quickly this way. Here’s how—

I gather evidence.

I can gather evidence—to prove that I am terrible person, disregarding all the good info and just logging all the mess-ups, mistakes and errors that I make in life. In this way, I am gathering evidence to prove to myself that I am the screw-up here.

Or—

I can flip it, and—gather evidence and look for what I did right in the situation. Paying attention to the details (evidence) placed before me. What can I learn from this situation? How can I look beyond the obvious? What is being revealed to me? What is my motive? Who is being helped here? Who can I serve? Sometimes it’s me—Sometimes it’s you.

There is a concept called “act as if”—where you think and act the way you believe you want to be—not drinking, showing up sober, sharing by talking, acting like you are a free and whole person—and you keep doing this behavior until your brain believes that this is the truth for you.

And that’s when I start living it.

Changing my thoughts changes my behaviors.

I am proof it works.

Try it.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”
Romans 12:2



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RITUAL AND SPIRITUAL

I heard a sermon this last weekend where the pastor pointed out that the word Ritual is within the word, Spiritual. It may be coincidental, but I found it fascinating. And, I think they are linked to each other in a powerful way, especially in my recovery.

The etymology of the word Ritual is from Latin—ritualis, from rite.

The etymology of the word Spiritual is from Latin—of breathing, of wind, from spiritus.

One of my rituals every morning is to rise early, take my dog out to do his thing and pray the Third Step Prayer for this day. Many mornings I am surprised by a joyful painting in the sky of the sunrise that God has done—like this one above. I take it very personally. I am thankful for this gift to remember that it’s not all about me! I need to get out of my own head first thing in the morning. It’s not about what I have to do for me in my schedule, but what I will do for others today. It is that preparing for the day. Sunrise ritual.

Another day to show up sober and serve.

Third Step Prayer: “God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Amen”

The line that gets me is, “Relieve me of the bondage of self,”—I actually have a physical reaction to saying this out loud. My body relaxes and peace takes its place. Whew. I can breathe. That is the spiritual part of this ritual. I believe as we practice our rituals of good habits, we grow exponentially toward our spiritual self-awareness and our purpose.

I was not big on ritual or habitual things when drinking—except when it had to do with my drinking habit, which I spent a lot of time planning. How to acquire it, drink it, then hide or get rid of the bottles afterward. Rinse and repeat. Sounds like I was good at that ritual, right? Looking back, how exhausting that was!

Now, I count on the habits and rituals I have adopted to replace the destructive cycle that does not serve me or others anymore. This is definitely the easier, softer way. In the program of recovery, it is established that once these new habits and rituals get put in place, there is a spiritual component that kicks in to carry us.

I am free—and—I need to continually let go and not try and control the outcomes in my day.

Try it.

It works for me.


“For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness.”
2 Peter 1:5-6

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THE STEPS TAKE YOU

In Step Twelve of the 12-step program, it says this:

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

The part that jumped out at me the other day is “...to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

Sometimes, I am surprised at how far I have come in sobriety. That I just practice these steps in all that I do without thinking about it anymore. My grand-sponsor, Dossie, is gone now—but I still hear voice saying these words in a cadence all her own, “We take the steps. And, we take the steps. And, pretty soon we realize, the steps are taking us.”

What that means for me is that I have studied and done these 12 steps many times. On my own, with my own sponsor, or with the women I sponsor, these steps have become a way of life.

Sometimes, I will say, “Oh, yeah, step ten is needed here—when wrong promptly admit it.” or “I need to forgive that person or that will grow into a resentment that will destroy me.” or, “Boy, I need to turn THAT one over to God—no control over that—I am powerless.”

I am actually retired from my graphic design job now, but found myself volunteering for a last-minute-Hail-Mary-get-it-done-quickly-job for a dear friend all last week. I was smack dab in the middle of what used to cause me enormous anxiety, but found myself calm and centered through the process—because of the steps.

I called up all that I had learned about: noticing powerlessness (Step One), depending on God to give me the strength to accomplish the impossible (Step Two and Three), searching inside to know what was mine and what was NOT mine to take on (Step Four and Five), seeing my character defects surface and giving myself grace when they appeared (Step Six and Seven), making amends when I had overstepped (Step Eight and Nine), apologized when wrong and admitting it (Step Ten), then sought through prayer for God’s will in every situation and for the power to carry that out (Step Eleven), and finally, carry these messages to those who need to hear it and practice the steps in all that I do (Step Twelve.)

So grateful for this knowledge and for courage to practice the steps.

I believe that, by this example last week, I know the steps are now...

taking me.

“Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you...”
1 Thessalonians 5:18

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COMING HOME

It was my first meeting ever.

A dingy room downtown, filled with lively and chatty people. I was shaking madly. Not from nervousness, but from withdrawal.

My friend, Dan, leaned over to me and whispered that I didn’t need to announce myself when they asked for newcomers. But when they did, I jumped up automatically and said loud and clear, as though I had been preparing to do that for years,

“Hi, I’m Heidi, and I’m an alcoholic.”

Dan broke out laughing. At the time I didn’t understand why. Later, I would understand how hard it was to say those words out loud the first time. Not for me at that moment.

The freedom and relief in that moment was overwhelming—plus the room erupted in applause like I had just sunk a 30-foot putt!

Actually, I had.

Figuratively, I had been trying to line up that putt for years. Without God blowing it in the hole on the final two inches when the roll started to slow down, I never would have made it into the cup—or OUT of my cups, as they say.

I was ready. I had carried the weight of it long enough.

I was home.

“Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

James 5:16

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STILL ROW TO SHORE

There is a difference between giving up and surrendering.

BIG difference.

Giving up is all about me. If I give up, I have thrown in the towel. I can’t do it anymore and that is the end of it.

Surrender involves a partnership. Surrender means that I acknowledge there is something else out there to help me once I let go of my old ways.

God.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have no part in it anymore. It means that I have surrendered control and now my action plan to move forward has an invisible motor—power beyond myself that will lift and carry me through my own actions.

There is a poster of a man in a boat rowing all by himself. Water leaks into the boat from holes in the bottom making it look like he will sink. Above his head reads:

Trust in God. Below the boat it reads: And, still row to shore.

We are partners now. With God’s help and my own action steps, I can do this life sober—not giving up, but surrendering.

Sweet surrender…

Power.


“In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your path.”

Proverbs 3:6

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MORE IS BETTER?

Not always.

A friend just emailed me a recap of his holiday events. I was exhausted reading it. I feel like I finally have an understanding of why I don’t enjoy holiday events that much. I know. I sound like a scrooge.

Let me be clear—I absolutely love the true meaning and focus of Christmas—period.

AND, I’m not thrilled with all of the celebratory events and craziness that the holidays have evolved into—shopping, buying presents, cooking, eating, cooking eating, (yes, I meant to put that twice, and almost wrote it again, but restrained myself), candy, cookies, drinking, parties and more parties, family and more family, (everyone’s “unique quirks” are not a delight—ha ha—as my friend said!) Loud talking and merriment but no understanding or learning anything, events back to back with no rest, performances, celebrations, eating and more eating, decorating and rearranging your house for a month, then putting it all back and the clean up, endless clean up—

Overwhelm.

As my friend said, “Each thing taken in isolation is no big deal. I just kept feeling overwhelmed by the non-stop activity.”

The “more is better” theme was one I loved while drinking, meaning, I could just keep going on this buzz, you know? MORE always got me in trouble on every level, though. I found that my drinking helped me cope with the chaos. Or better yet, check out from it. The constant input on a nonstop level at Christmastime, could send me over the edge and my solution was to drink to calm down and deal with it all—or not. Mostly not. Dealing with it meant checking out. This season can be a huge trigger for those in early sobriety. Hard to be sober and present amid the chaos.

I find now, in sobriety, that taking care of myself, needs careful planning on my part. To not over-plan and to try and pick and choose the events that I want to attend. Keeping my sanity and sobriety depend on those choices. In doing this, I can actually enjoy the event I chose and be present for the takeaway. Not just tick it off my list of what I “committed to” because I “should have.”

My friend said this, “I have come to the conclusion that I don’t really enjoy family gatherings or crowds in general.”

If you think about it, our sobriety meetings would be the same way if we allowed cross talk, right? We’d all be chattering and nobody would be listening or actually hearing anything. That’s how family gatherings are for me. Everybody talking at once and not saying anything. Don’t get me wrong—I love my family—and, the chaos and over-stimulating input can be overwhelming. I much prefer one-on-one sharing or visiting. I walk away from those smaller visits feeling like I have made a difference, unlike the “being with everyone and finding out nothing” group experience. That’s why meetings are so unique. We actually hear each other and learn something.

I used to scoff when my father talked about “doing everything in moderation” because it sounded so boring. Thank you, Dad, for the revelation and reminder that is now my mantra.

Now, I crave my routine and quiet life. Less is better—has become my peace-making thought.

Try it.

It could maintain your sanity.

And, just might keep you sober for today.

“Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

Romans 12:2

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SOBER NEW YEAR'S EVE

My main goal on New Years Eve since I got sober is to stay off the roads after 5:00 p.m. One of the women I sponsor was chairing a meeting at 5:30 pm and I couldn’t miss it.

I had watched her go in and out of sobriety (mostly out)—in and out of rehab, hospitals numerous times, Child Protective Services almost taking her kids, crashing her car—all of it. But after all of this I knew she wanted it. I knew she wanted to stay sober.

My sponsor always said to me, “They have to want it MORE than you want it for them.”

I had to watch her hit her very bottom and also to let her go when it did happen—over and over again. This was part of my journey and the lesson God wanted me to learn. I could not make her stay sober. It was out of my hands. Out of hers.

After saying to my sponsor, “There must have been something I could have said or done to keep her from relapsing…” And, her response to me was, “Heidi, you’re not that powerful.” Ha, so true.

She now had 52 days of sobriety when one of my friends asked her to chair the New Year’s Eve meeting. I had to be there. She looked beautiful. She was finally living in a sober living house, going to meetings every day, helping others, and most importantly—Letting others help her.

Her light was on.

As I sat there in the very small meeting of about ten people, watching her chair so beautifully, the overwhelming thought came over me that brought me to tears:

“She finally wants her sobriety MORE than I want it for her!”

What a blessing and a gift to receive on New Year’s Eve. I drove home, sober and content.

She did too.

Thank God.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”

John 1:5

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GOD’S WILL OR MINE?

How do we really know the difference between God’s will for us and our own will?

I have struggled with this thought for most of my life. While asking God to show me His will, I am not always clear that the decisions I make are the direction I should be going. I can even justify all that I decide to do as God’s will by righteously deciding on my own that this is the “right” way to go in my own mind. Even justifying the “so-called” signs I see that I think are leading me—my own interpretation or perception.

While in my active drinking days, I just forged ahead in my own will not always getting great results. Actually, most of the time, not—ha ha. I wanted God to help me stop drinking, but didn’t actually want to stop drinking. I just wanted His help to manage my life while I kept drinking. Mostly, because I could not imagine living a life without alcohol. Ego. So self-centered. So me. Always what I wanted, not what I needed.

Not until I completely surrendered my own will, did God reveal to me how this works.

Then it was quite obvious. It is the peace that comes after that surrender for me.

Remember the “Highlights” magazines in the dentist’s office when you were a kid, where the center spread was a drawing with all kinds of hidden animals in the scene. I loved finding the hidden creatures. I was excited and at peace all at the same time when I had solved the puzzle. Once I found the squirrel in the tree, I couldn’t unsee the squirrel. The light was on and there it was. That’s what it’s like for me.

In my surrender, It becomes obvious what I should do next. I can not not do what I am supposed to do. I just have to do it and not resist. To be available and show up, not knowing what the outcome will be. The not knowing part is the hard part. That is God’s part.

Now, my decisions going forward are based on getting my own self-interests moved aside—basically, getting out of my own way and how I want it to be. Letting go. That is my part in it, or my will. It took my will to let go. That was when I was able to get any power back and have peace. The key part of this is the peace part. I had no peace doing things totally on my own power until I aligned my will with God’s. Sometimes, I don’t even know what that is. I just know I can’t control it or manipulate the details. I get to do what I can and then trust. I still have God’s gift of free will—to choose His will or mine.

When I let go and trust that God can handle my feelings, fears, and doubts—then, and only then, can the awesome miracles start to unfold right before my very eyes. I start my day, every day, with the Third Step Prayer, which helps me so much. My favorite line “Relieve me of the bondage of self”—get me out of your way, God—actually brings physical calm when I say it.

No God, No Peace.
Know God, Know Peace.

Try praying this prayer below and then going about your day. Notice how your day goes.

God, I offer myself to Thee, to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of Life. May I do Thy will always! Amen
Third Step Prayer

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LIGHT OF THE WORLD

In this season, beyond the busy shopping, office parties, festive gatherings and happy celebrations, there are those still hurting. Some from loss and some possibly nearing the bottom of their addiction. This time of year can be a huge trigger.

A sober friend sent me this writing below as a response to his Bible reading for the day. He gave me permission to share it. This writing is a reminder that we can be that light to others who need us to be the hope that they can recover and thrive again too:

“Imagine a meeting. All of the 60-plus days people are sitting in the circle breathing normally with alert eyes and posture that indicates peace with oneself. These are all candles. Lit candles shining with a hint of warmth. Shining so much that the electric lights may be dimmed, but the interior of the room is clearly visible. In walks the addict, barely dry from the last bender. The unmoving frown, dull eyes, and closed, self-conscious posture. The addict is able to easily find a back row seat in the candle lit room. The emotionless face looks around the room at nobody. The lights slowly come into focus. The lights take the shape of people that speak out to share the light. Willing lamplighters. The addict can see, for perhaps the first time in years, that hope and help are available. If willing, the addict can take the light being shared and rekindle a flame in themselves that had long been forgotten. Then, one day at a time, the light grows brighter for others to see and cannot be hidden.”

The photo of the candles represents that hope my friend is talking about—of a meeting and sitting in a room full of lighted sober souls ready to help. As you can see, there is one candle in the middle that has not been lighted. That is you—or WAS you—or somebody you know.

To me, that is the visual representation of a phrase we use in recovery about “staying in the middle of the herd.” That’s where we find our support and hope.

I pray that YOU can be the light and be the hope for somebody in need.

Or, that this reading can be the light and hope for you to get sober and follow the light around you today.

“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.”

Matthew 5:14-16

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SURPRISE PARTY

I heard a woman share in her story the other day that coming into a meeting for the first time was like, “They were throwing a surprise party just for me.”

Surprise! You’re an alcoholic!

Sometimes we are the last to know. We knew there was something wrong in our lives, but it couldn’t be the alcohol, right? Everybody does it. Just because I drink now and then, doesn’t make me an alcoholic. Now and then. That seemed to be the problem. The justification of now and then covered all of time for me. This was denial.

Plausible deniability: The idea that you can safely deny guilt or lie because no one can prove you did it.

We can be sneaky with ourselves and others. Denial is a good thing sometimes, but living in it keeps us stuck in place without possibility, of moving into health, growth or joy. Rinse and repeat. We keep doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Insanity.

So, when some consequence happens and takes us into a place where we get the baseball bat to the head, we actually see that what we are doing is not working anymore. That’s when we can start to poke holes in the top of the box we’ve put ourselves in. The light starts to shine through tiny holes and we can finally see how the alcohol might be a problem.

When we put down the drink. Ask for help. Come to meetings. Sit and listen to others’ stories that are remarkably like our own—that’s when the surprise party begins for us.

Yes, we are holding a place for you. There’s more of us that you realize. We are all here waiting to cheer you on to living in the truth and seeing that sobriety can be the surprise gift you were always wanting.

DENIAL: refusing to admit the truth or reality of something unpleasant.

TRUTH: the body of real things, events, and facts—sincerity in action, character, and utterance.

I have said so many times that I didn’t even want to BE and alcoholic, let alone a grateful one. Now, I am thrilled to admit that fact. I am a grateful alcoholic. In admitting it, I clear away all of the justification for bad behavior, break the silence that keeps my addiction in place, and I have a chance at seeing the truth—meeting it head on. And, the best part...

Surprise! I get to show up and help somebody like myself.

What a gift.

To them and to me.

You can do it too.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”

John 8:32

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HOPE—FOR TWO SIDES OF THE STORY

There is hope for the alcoholic/addict AND for the people who support them and love them.

But, how do we find it?

Sometimes, watching someone near the bottom of their disease is frightening and overwhelming, making them feel like they just want to ignore us, run away, or give up. What can they do?

The same is true for the alcoholic/addict. We are stuck inside a prison of our own making. The prison of the insanity of the disease. It’s frightening, lonely and overwhelming. It’s easier to keep drinking or using because it’s what we know, even if it’s not working anymore—making us feel like we just want to ignore it, run away, or give up. How do we ever stop?

Both people on either side of this story are powerless. The alcoholic/addict is powerless over the grip the disease has over them—and the person watching and loving the addict is powerless over that person.

A friend of mine in recovery often says, “It’s not the drinking, it’s the thinking.”

So true. So, to recover, our thinking needs to include this thought—We have to admit that we are powerless. My bottom included asking God for help. Completely surrendering. Because, what I was doing on my own power was not working.

The people who support us wonder what they can do, too. Same thing. Admit you are powerless over the alcoholic/addict and surrender THEM to God.

My pastor used a quote this weekend in his sermon about no-strings-attached-generosity, by Matt Chandler, “Generosity is: Grace Made Visible.” I love that.

Sometimes all that the alcoholic/addict needs from you is for you to just be there—show up, don’t give up. I know it’s hard, but it’s the hope that we can hold onto that keeps us going.

That is the concept of meetings when we finally do get sober. To come and listen to others tell their real stories (which include some of the people in their lives who didn’t give up on them) and hear that there is hope through the telling of their experiences—and, a way out of the insanity of old behaviors through surrender.

I come to meetings to hear God talk to me. He talks directly to me through the others in the room. He gives me little tidbits of hope.

I can be...

Faith in action.

Love without strings.

Grace made visible.

Surrender—then be the light for someone else.

Works for both sides of this story, right?

“Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Hebrews 11:1

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YOU GET WHAT YOU PAY FOR

This saying has always disturbed me, but it is so true. I had always interpreted this phrase as a negative. If you are cheap and don’t want to pay the price for the more costly item, you get something that eventually falls apart. Paying for the more costly item, you get a better result—something that took time to build, was better made, and longer-lasting.

I look at it differently now from a sobriety perspective.

In our addiction, we paid with our lives. It cost us dearly and the pain was great. There was no shortcut way out. But what we gain by paying the price of walking through the pain and not around it is unmatched and priceless.

Paid with self.

We gave up self. We stepped out of self and into caring for others. Into service. Self-seeking has slipped away. We turned our will and our lives over to the care of God.

We are—

Renewed.

Reconnected.

Reborn.

“You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 4:22-24

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BEST BIRTHDAY EVER

July 15, 2004.

My 50th birthday—which, it turns out, was my best birthday ever. One would have thought it was my worst birthday ever.

I think I played golf on that Saturday, my 50th birthday, but I am not sure. I have photos of friends and me standing on a putting green. There was a party that my husband had planned at our house for me that night. Never happened.

What I DO know was that I was in the hospital that night. I had started to shake uncontrollably that evening after golf. I was withdrawing from the alcohol that my body was used to me putting in it daily. We headed to the hospital. Three days prior, on the 12th, I had decided to stop drinking. I had finally surrendered. I had tried for so long under my own will power—to no avail. I truly asked God to take the obsession from me at my very bottom.

He did.

The thing I didn’t understand was the detox process. How easy it is to go into DT’s when you try to just stop drinking cold turkey. I don’t remember much about the hospital experience. My husband tells me that they had to give me four Ativan shots to stop me from almost seizing. I am thankful to be alive.

The part I remember the most was waking up the next day in my hospital room with my husband standing watch. He had a big smile on his face and handed me a little piece of paper with a “4” on it. Four days of sobriety. I was thrilled, but didn’t know what was next. I knew I had stopped drinking, but did not know that was literally my last day of drinking on July 12th, 2004.

We had a conversation about possibly going into rehab. I told my husband I was finished drinking and I didn’t need to go to rehab. I also did not want to leave the dogs or him for that long, ha ha. He said he believed me, but that I needed to go to meetings to ensure that I would get support with that decision. He was so right. My husband, Dick, would continue the tradition of making me a little paper number for each day of my sobriety to this day. I keep it in my pocket to remind me of my days of sobriety. I go to meetings—at least three a week— and cannot imagine my life without my sober friends, meetings, the women I sponsor, and my sponsor.

This morning, November 15, 2019, Dick handed me a little number with 5,604 days written on it. Whew. So thankful to God, to Dick (my biggest supporter) and to all the people I have met during my days of living sober.

One of my favorite memories of waking up in the hospital on day “4,” was having my stepson and daughter-in-law come to visit with my two grandsons. They put both of the little ones on the bed with me. The 16-month-old, Adam, just cuddled me and the 3 1/2-year old asked me this, “Gramma Heidi, are you going to be ok?” Of course, it brought tears to my eyes, and I got to answer him, “Yes, Ryan, I am SOOO—OK. I am going to be better than ever when I get out of here.”

We just sent that young man, Ryan, off to college this fall. What a gift it was to have gotten sober when they were so young. All three of my grandsons have never seen me drink. (Scott was born when I was 2 years sober.)

It was the best birthday gift I ever received from God—the gift of sobriety. It is possibly the best gift I have gotten to give my family, too. My sobriety.

We addicts and alcoholics have so many people in our lives who, not only care about us and love us, but are affected by the disease of addiction. I think it may be harder on the people around us than it is for us. They are powerless over our actions while we are in our disease. I am thankful to be in recovery to be able to lift that burden of worry and anxiety off of my loved ones.

I hear people in meetings say, “I am a grateful alcoholic.”

I didn’t even want to BE an alcoholic—let alone a grateful one. But, I am so grateful to show up sober each day to help others like myself. I am right where God wants me to serve, I’m quite sure.

I am a grateful alcoholic in recovery.

If I can do this life sober, so can you.

How can I help?

“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.”

Hebrews 10:24-25

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WE ARE NOT A GLUM LOT.

When I first got sober, I couldn’t figure out why everybody was so happy and free. Why were they all giggling and laughing? Wasn’t this getting sober thing serious business?

Yes.

I was still waking from the continuous fog that seemed to hover over my life while I was drinking. When the fog started to lift, I started showing up and going to meetings where I saw people not just surviving, but thriving—even laughing.

I thought I needed alcohol for that.

Apparently not.

I found out that I could make it through one day without alcohol, with God’s help, of course. Then another. Then one more. Pretty soon the evidence was there for me to see that I could do this life without drinking. However, I wasn’t laughing freely yet. I was curious how others were doing that.

In our literature, it talks about alcoholics not being a glum lot—that there is a “vast amount of fun and joy in all of it, this business of living sober.” That’s what my grand-sponsor used to say. She has passed on now, but I still hear her voice reminding me of this.

Then, when I discovered it was not only about not drinking, but treating the thinking part of my disease, I started to get it. Not take myself too seriously and over-think things.

What?—Is that possible? Yes. Not only is it possible, it is most-likely probable, if I do the work it requires to change my thinking and behaviors—praying, step work with my sponsor, working with women I sponsor, going to meetings and hearing God speak through others, reaching out to another alcoholic who needs my help.

Now I am giggling and laughing at life, at my mistakes, at everything. And, now, I want to show others how to receive that kind of joy. I still over-think things, but, that’s why I surround myself with a community of others like myself to help with my accountability, point me back to the truth and to show me how to laugh at myself and move on to help others who might need it.

I love this quote from CS Lewis on JOY:

“On the one hand, if life is but time and happenstance, why do we laugh or wonder, or experience a desire to play, however fleetingly at all? Is the encounter of delight simply the mind’s attempt to distract us from pain? What good is joy, what purpose is humor or laughter or beauty, if life is but a series of instincts to survive and the universe at a cosmic level is meaningless? On the other hand, if we are made in the image of a holy, loving, imaginative God, how wonderful that God has made us with both logic and laughter, with intrinsic worth and immortal wonder.”

Oh, the inexpressible joy of a sober life!

Can you hear me giggling?

“Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy, for you are receiving the end result of your faith.”

1 Peter 1:8-9

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MISSING THE PAYOFF

A man was sharing his story in a recovery meeting and spoke of having thirteen years of sobriety in the past. As he walked through the telling of his story, he told of relapse after relapse and how he landed in rehab several times. He sat there this day with 90 days of sobriety and said this key line:

“If you don’t get the spirituality of this program, you are missing the biggest payoff.”

The universal truth bell went off in my head when he said that.

The candy. The miracles. All things we were missing while checking out.

When we let go and turn it over to God, all kinds of good things start happening that we didn’t expect and could never have dreamed. We let go and it all comes back.

You mean if I hold on real tight, I am not going to keep it?

Uh, no.

You can’t keep what you don’t have in the first place. God gave you life.

If you give your life back to Him in full, that is when you get the big payoff.

The big payoff?

Peace that passes all understanding.

Do it. Then watch and see.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Philippians 4:4-7

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THE H.O.W. OF SOBRIETY

This acronym of H.O.W. is the key to my sobriety.

Honesty (You can’t heal what you don’t reveal.)

Open-Mindedness (It’s not the drinking, it’s the thinking.)

Willingness (What you resist, persists.)

When I was drinking, I was sneaky, close-minded, and stubborn. Not good attributes for growth and change, right? At the end of my drinking, I just kept thinking, “I have to stop. I have to change something or this behavior is going to kill me.”

At 50 years old—when I finally surrendered to God and knew that I was unable to get sober on my own, I started to heal. I started to get honest and came out of the hiding and sneakiness. I became willing to do things differently—I finally became willing to change and to see that I could stay sober with the help of others and with God.

First three steps. “I can’t. He can. I think I’ll let Him.”

The most important thing was to be finally honest with myself. Having an honest perspective, I can see how my alcohol use affected others or caused negative situations in my life. Next, I need to be open-minded. If I am closed-minded to anything, I shut down growth, not allowing for any other solution to my problems than the one I currently had—drinking (which was not working, of course.) If I remain open-minded, I become teachable. Then, when I become willing, I am open to change. Pain is a motivator. When my behaviors cause more pain than pleasure, I am motivated to consider new options.

So, if you’re hurting and tired of living life a certain way, and you want to change, remember the acronym of H.O.W.

Be willing to go to any lengths for your recovery.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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SOBER JUNKIE

I am what you’d call a sober junkie.

I love listening to other alcoholics/addicts tell their stories of getting sober. That moment of clarity they have that tells them there is a better way—a better life. Hearing those moments gives me a high unlike any I received in my active drinking days.

My drug of choice now—is you. I love sitting in meetings and being present to witness recovery and to show up for others to give hope.

Last meeting I went to the topic was “How do you hear God? “

I shared that I hear God speak through each and every one of the people in meetings who have the courage to open their mouths and tell the truth.

That’s how I hear God.

When I am aggravated, edgy, moody, I go to a meeting and open my ears. Sometimes it’s hard to get past my own judgement of people sharing or this or that, seemingly unimportant chatter—but then, when I least expect it, God speaks directly to me—

Through YOU!

Sometimes it’s the very last person who speaks—there it is. That’s why I am here today.

To show up for you and give you hope. And, for you to give me hope.

I love this sober life.

I am a sober junkie.

“God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

John 4:24

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TAKE MY ADVICE...

My husband likes to say, “Take my advice, I’m not using it.”

Ha ha. Yes. I am really good at seeing what someone else needs to do (and judging what YOU are doing as wrong in my mind.) I need to take my own advice. Look at my own side of the street. Clean that up.

That’s why I love sponsoring women so much. Whatever they are going through that they share with me, I get to look at too. They hold up the mirror for me to see what I might not otherwise see. So helpful in my own growth process.

Who is helping who here?

In Step Four, we look at resentments and how they can poison our thinking. We review what “our part was in any given interaction.” We aren’t responsible for what others think or do. However, we are responsible for our response to others and situations. That is the defining difference. I don’t get to resent what YOU do or say any more, because I know that’s like drinking the poison and expecting YOU to die, right? It is not serving either one of us.

If I am not actively looking at my side of the street and how I can change, how can I advise others to do that?

This is where the serenity prayer comes in, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.”

I think I will start using my own advice—what would you advise?

“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you may also be tempted.”

Galatians 6:1

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FEAR

F alse E vidence A ppearing R eal

If I look around in the world, I can find all the evidence I need to prove that I should stay in fear. It takes a measure of trust and faith to not buy into the false evidence I see all around me.

I can’t be in fear and faith at the same time.

Fear—tells us that we are small, powerless, and separate.

Faith—affirms that we are great, creative, and connected.

Which voice do you choose to be your guide?

My God is bigger than fear. I choose faith as I step forward to live in the Light.

Oh God, You paint the sky with miracles in mind. My tearful eyes joyfully receive the awesome stroke of your brush. Thank you for another day of sobriety so that I can see Your wonders before me every day.

Won’t you join me in the Light of Faith?

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

John 14:27

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