SELF-CARE VS SELF-INDULGENCE

I heard a friend with long-term sobriety tell her story the other day and she made the topic of discussion after she spoke, “What do you do for self-care to maintain your sobriety?”

Immediately, I thought of how selfish I was as an active alcoholic. Now, in my sobriety, I struggle with the line between self-care and self-indulgence—the latter leading me back to my selfish nature, which will surely take me back to wanting to check out!

I have to go back to God’s Will, not mine, be done. Not always easy to do.

My “go-to” for getting out of selfish mode, is to help someone else in need. Go to a meeting and reach out to another struggling alcoholic. Call somebody who is struggling. Help somebody by listening. Sponsoring other women is a “high” for me. But too much of that can be draining.

The trouble with this for me is that I can go all in and go overboard on the “helping thing” (one of my character defects) and lose myself in the process, becoming drained. At that point I am helping at the expense of myself, which, makes me irritable and discontent.

This is a slippery slope.

Self-care is the antidote, but I struggle with feeling selfish when I do something just for me. I have to say out loud to myself, “Heidi, it’s ok to NOT help somebody else today. Just take care of you and concentrate on filling your reservoir back up.” You can’t help someone else when your reservoir is empty.

One thing I do for self-care is golf with my sober friend. It gets me out in the open air exercising and not thinking for a few hours. If I am having a not-so-great round, it becomes a walk in the park. Yesterday, we almost had the course to ourselves and as I strolled peacefully to the next tee box, I looked up and saw these palm trees above me. God’s grace washed over me and I felt filled again and at peace. Nature always does that for me. Ahhh, self-care can be wonderful, arming me once again for the service that I am so grateful to be able to do—now that I am sober.

Showing up for others sober is the high I seek now.

Helping YOU is my drug of choice.

“How can I help?”

“For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.”

Romans 12:3

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AA IS FOR QUITTERS

Well, of course it is.

I heard someone who is a big drinker say that so-and-so stopped drinking and is now going to AA meetings.

He then said, “As I always say, AA is for quitters.”

Duh.

He really meant it as a put-down for people who can’t handle their drinking (like he can), so they have to stop. It also screams loudly of his own denial that he can’t quit, so he has to brag that it’s a virtue to be able to keep drinking.

In sports a “quitter” is a wimp. In the realm of alcohol, a “quitter” is the star.

Drinking, getting drunk, and finding others to endorse that behavior is easy. Quitting a destructive lifestyle and having the guts to tell others about it is the tougher road.

Quitting drinking to have a better life is not for wimps. I applaud those with the strength to quit that lifestyle and live in healthy purpose.

I pray for those who are not ready to quit.

I’m holding a seat for you in the meeting.

“…put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.”

Ephesians 4:22-24

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COSIGNING BEHAVIOR

Definition (slang) of COSIGN: to propound; acknowledge and accept partial responsibility for the presence/actions of another person and the effects thereof.

While drinking, I would find people to hang with who drank more than me—people who would cosign that behavior, making it more comfortable for me to continue. My friends cosigned my drinking. As in, “misery loves company.” I got to hide a little better hanging with friends who drank like me because it seemed more normal that way.

Normal. What is normal? I’ve heard it said that it’s a setting on a washing machine. There is no normal with drinking.

If I was going to stay sober, I had to decide to hang around people who didn’t drink, preferably people in sobriety that knew the struggle themselves — hanging with like-minded people made it easier to go forward and not have drinking as a temptation.

Definition of DECIDE: To induce to come to a choice

History and Etymology of DECIDE: From Latin decidere, literally, to cut off, from de- + caedere to cut

I love that the word DECIDE, literally means to CUT OFF. Now, I have only sober friends who cosign my sobriety. This works much better for me, and for them. I literally had to cut off my drinking friends at first to help stop my own cycle. Many years later, I can now be around people who drink and not have it affect me, but in early sobriety, it just made it harder. Many days in a row of knowing I can live this life without drinking taught me that I didn’t have to make drinking my first solution to any problem.

Part of staying sober is learning new behaviors that serve me to replace the old behaviors that didn’t. Stopping drinking is just the beginning. My thinking had to be addressed for behaviors to change. Now, I can look at my life and decide what is working and what is not and actually look at changing those behaviors to other healthier behaviors.

Now, my new behaviors in place are: Talking to God—praying, talking to my sponsor or talking to others in sobriety, going to meetings and hanging with people who cosign all of this behavior!

Try it.

Works for me.

It just might work for you!

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.”

James 5:16

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MENTAL HEALTH

Today I am grateful for my own mental health in the form of sobriety.

Addiction falls into the category of Mental Health issues. I am an alcoholic in recovery, one day at a time, for 5204 days in a row. Whew. What a miracle.

When I got sober, by the Grace of God, I realized how much more work I had to do on my mind after taking the barrier of alcohol out of the equation. Stopping drinking was just the beginning. For many, there are serious underlying issues that are hidden under our addiction. When the curtain of addiction is pulled up and removed, light is shed on issues like, suppressed anger from the past, grief, depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder, thoughts of suicide, and many more.

Some of us need more help with these issues but are ashamed to seek outside help. We are slowly bringing this out of the darkness and into the light. In the past, these were thought of as “mental illness” issues. Oddly enough, if we have a physical illness, we seek help for that without a thought. As we continue to learn going forward, we can begin to understand that these issues are Mental HEALth problems—

No, I didn’t make a mistake in my typing.

I meant to highlight that the word HEAL is inside the word Health. Healing is acknowledging and seeking help with maintaining our bodies— both physically and mentally.

There’s so much stigma associated with mental health. I love that we are finally shedding the cloak of shame that surrounds us about it and putting on the garment of love, tolerance, understanding and acceptance.

I am so proud of Twin Lakes Church for hosting a Mental Health Gathering this weekend to educate people on the resources available to all for family and friends to get the help they need.

I pray that I can be source of light to someone who needs a hand coming out of hiding.

“But everything exposed by the light becomes visible—and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.”

Ephesians 5:13

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I’LL HAVE MINE STRAIGHT UP

Yes, that’s when it all spiraled down to the bottom—when I switched from many (many) beers in a row, to gin—straight up. Hidden everywhere and then hidden in plain sight. In my water bottle with me wherever I was. Around the clock. All the time. Straight up.

I knew I had to stop, or while driving I would kill myself or somebody else. But at that point, I could not stop. My body wouldn’t let me. So I continued a while longer.

I woke up from a blackout at 3:30 pm sitting on the futon in my office looking down at the faces of my two dogs staring at me. Had I fed them? Had they been out today? Had I driven? What had I done?

Panic.

I HAD to be finished. At that very moment I knew I was finished drinking.

That’s when I looked straight up and uttered the words,

“Help me, God.”

And He did. The very moment I surrendered, He lifted my obsession.

I haven’t had a drink since that day in July 2004—one day at a time. My husband has crafted a little number for each of my days of sobriety starting with day one. I carry it in my pocket like a jewel. Every day.

Now I have my life straight up!

Surrender is simple, but not easy. If I can do it so can you.

“...I have come that you may have life, and have it to the full.”

John 10:10b

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DISQUALIFIED

I am remembering today about swimming competitively when I was twelve-years old. I had always idolized my older brother and followed him into competetive swimming.

My brother was going to be a lane judge in an upcoming swim meet. It was a “B” meet, which was a level higher than I had ever competed before and it took winning various levels to get there. My brother had warned me that if I did not touch with two hands on my breast stroke turn, that he would have to disqualify me. He warned me more than once.

I didn’t believe him. Especially being his sister. He wouldn’t do that to me, would he?

He did.

Because he loved me and wanted me to compete fairly.

I didn’t touch with both hands on my turn in the meet, being in such a hurry and in compete-mode. I was pleased to win second place and immediately disappointed to learn I had been disqualified and knew it was my brother who had done it. All he said to me was, “I warned you.”

It was a great lesson I learned that day—one I never knew would apply in such a dramatic way later in my life. I was two years sober and my sponsor was coaching me through an intervention on my brother. I was tormented by dreams of him dying of his alcoholism. He was about to celebrate his 55th birthday and I didn’t want to see him die. His drinking had hit an all-time high.

I realized as I remembered this swimming incident from my past, that the tables were turned now. I was struggling with calling him on his drinking and suggesting he go into treatment—disqualifying him from life’s race (as he was swimming it), if you will.

I know it took guts to do what my brother did for me so many years ago—for my own good. In remembering this, we went forward and did the intervention on him for his own good and because we loved him. Our mom, his wife and I sat at the kitchen table and told him lovingly about our concern for him. He told us he had been waiting for it, knowing I had gotten sober two years prior.

He caved quite easily. Needless to say, he made it to his 55th birthday thirty-five days later.

He is now sober and competing fairly in life again. We are both putting sobriety first place in our lives now—all of life’s good things follow after that.

Our love for each other is deeper and richer as the result of us calling each other on the hard things. We are accountable to each other, to our family, and to God.

I pray that by hearing this, it may give you hope to support your own struggling family member with love.

“Take good counsel and accept correction—that’s the way to live wisely and well. We humans keep brainstorming options and plans, but God’s purpose prevails.”

Proverbs 19:20-21 The Message Translation

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HOW COULD I NOT GO?

Four years ago, I heard from a friend who had been on many mission trips to Zambia, Africa. She had talked to a pastor there who had alcoholics coming into his church and wanted to know what he should do. My friend called me, knowing I was in recovery.

I went online to find a meeting there. Realizing that the nearest one was over 50 miles away and very few people there have cars, I decided to prepare materials for them on how to start a meeting. I went to my recovery group meetings at my church and got funding to buy books to send. I packed up the books, included notes on how to run a meeting, and merrily sent off the package to Africa. The package got stuck in customs and never arrived. Four months went by.

I was very disappointed.

Months later, out of the clear blue, I heard this distinct message from God,

“I didn’t want you to send books. I wanted to send YOU.”

I did NOT want to go to Africa, but I knew in that moment I would go. How could I not go?

Not only was I in Zambia talking to women about alcoholism on the exact day I got sober exactly ten years prior, I was speaking on the hour I got sober. God was very specific about where I should be on that day. Not in a million years did I think that I would be talking to people in Africa ten years later about staying sober—I was just trying to stop drinking for that day in July of 2004!

My eyes were opened wide to the bigness of the problem there of alcoholism, AIDS, domestic abuse, large families living in small spaces and not enough food. Have you ever felt like a problem or challenge was too big? That whatever you did, would not even dent the problem—Nothing you could do would make a difference? Would ever be enough?

While in Zambia, I spoke to the pastors’ wives about my own alcoholism and recovery, then visited that pastor. As I sat across from him in his dirt-floor church talking about his meeting for alcoholics, I realized that God had taken me halfway around the world to encourage this one man about how to help—and that was enough. I was doing my part and God was doing the heavy lifting and changing hearts.

Now, my purpose since I have gotten sober is to carry this message to anyone who struggles with addiction as I have struggled in the past—one soul at a time, one day at a time.

And, to bring hope and let you know that there is a solution. My hope is that this weekly blog and my recovery books lift you on your recovery journey or will encourage someone you are concerned about to remain hopeful.

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!””

Isaiah 6:8

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WISH I DIDN'T KNOW NOW—

“Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then...” a line from a Toby Keith song — should be the caption on this photo. Innocence.

This is me as a three-year-old in 1957. There it is. Now you know how old I am.

This photo was taken in the little cabin my grandparents built that stood on this property where our current house was built 40 years later. We are still in this house. In fact, my art studio is in this same location where I am standing in the photo. If this little girl were to walk forward about five steps and sit down, it would be where her future self is sitting and writing this blog right now. So cool to think about for me.

I am a painter, designer, photographer, and writer — creating in the studio of my dreams, built by the man of my dreams, on historic family property that we so gratefully acquired, living the American dream.

Wouldn’t you know it, I still became an alcoholic. What is up with that?

For me addiction and alcoholism is not about circumstance, it is about what our literature calls, “an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind.” I am allergic to alcohol and drugs, and have stinking thinking. When I put alcohol or mind-altering drugs in my body, I cut myself off from the sunlight of the Spirit. When I stopped that behavior, I still had my obsessive thinking. I had to learn new behaviors to replace the old, so I could function without substances. That’s where you come in — and others. I learned so much in meetings. We can’t do this alone. And, for me, without God.

I didn’t know this until I hit my bottom in 2004. I was a functioning alcoholic up until that point. We can go through life drinking and drugging and still go to school, get married (several times), have jobs, build houses — some of us losing it all before our bottoms — thankfully, I didn’t have to lose it all.

I didn’t know all of this was going to happen in my life standing there as a toddler in this photo. Sometimes I wish “I didn’t know now what I didn’t know then.” but then, again, if I didn’t go through all of that and eventually hit my bottom, admit I was powerless, turn to God and start really living in 2004 — I would not be living the life I have been given right now.

I wouldn’t change a thing.

The beauty of this recovery thing is that we can start again at any moment by surrendering and becoming humble again.

Right now. You can do it at any moment.

Surrender.

I did and I am forever grateful to God for the second chance at a full life.

“Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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AS SICK AS OUR SECRETS

You can’t heal what you won't reveal.

Secrets—keep addiction firmly in place. Telling the truth—brings our addictions into the light and helps us take the power out of it—giving us a chance at recovery.

Freedom—like this pelican flying free in the light.

Freedom from carrying the weight of the shame that keeps us from growing and changing, and allowing us to be more available to serve others. Sometimes sharing our shame, not only frees us, but can help others identify and come forward into recovery too.

The healing begins when we shine light on our darkest secrets.

The dictionary defines SECRET as: 

a : kept from knowledge or view : hidden
b : marked by the habit of discretion : closemouthed
c : working with hidden aims or methods : undercover
d : not acknowledged

Wow. My drinking was all of that—hidden, I didn’t talk about it (if I didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t really happening.) I was undercover and sneaky. I didn’t acknowledge my obsession to you OR me! These are all unpleasant realities, so I was in denial about it all.

The definition of DENIAL is:
Refusing to admit the truth or reality of something unpleasant

I think that denial as a defense mechanism works for only so long, then the denial starts to work against us, keeping behaviors in place that don’t serve us anymore.

Obviously, some truths need to be carefully revealed, if they affect others, but this is where working with another person to process things can be so helpful. Keeping it in the dark only gives it power.

The truth really will set you free and begin the healing process.

Try it.

It’s the easier, softer way.

“No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light. For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open.”

Luke 8:16-17

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IT'S NOT JUST A SCORE

When anyone looks at this photo, they see just a flag and a final score on a high school football scoreboard.

When I look a this photo, I have tears in my eyes. It represents so much more for me.

It is full circle for our family:

This is Leland High School in San Jose. This stadium was renamed after Pat Tillman was killed in Afghanistan in 2004. He gave up a lucrative pro football career with the Arizona Cardinals to become an Army Ranger and serve. He gave his life in service for his country. He grew up in San Jose and went to Leland High School sporting the number 42 on his jersey.

Fast-forward to 2018—All three of my grandsons play football. My stepson played on this field and went on to college football. His wife’s father coached football on this field and now her brother coaches the Los Gatos High School JV team. I guess you could say we are a football family.

My older two grandsons are now playing football for Los Gatos High School. Ryan, a senior on varsity, and Adam a sophomore on Junior Varsity. My youngest, Scott, plays Pop Warner football.

Pat was their uncle.

This was the final score last Friday night for the JV game—almost eerie. Adam now wears his uncle’s number 42 in his honor. Both boys and their teams played their hearts out on this field and won their games that night.

It’s not just a score.

This photo is full circle for me:

A series of events took me to my bottom of drinking. Pat’s death was one of those events. I got sober soon after Pat’s death in 2004. Pat made a difference in his life by showing up for service. I realized by his death, that to make a difference, I had to start showing up for service in my life—sober. The flag and the scoreboard represent service, sacrifice, achievement, making a difference and hope for the future—My grandsons have never seen me drink. I get to show up sober for their lives. Death does not take me down any more, and I have experienced many deaths in my 14 years of sobriety.

Now I try to live my life as an example of hope—of how to walk the hard stuff, like death, in sobriety. I am not saying it’s easy, but now, I get to feel the pain and press through it without checking out.

If I can do it, so can you.

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

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WHALE OF A STORY

So here’s a great story for you...and it’s true!

Last year right around this time, my sponsor and I decided to go whale watching out of Moss Landing. We got our cameras ready and packed up our gear and headed out. We knew the whales had been running, so we were expecting to get some great photos.

It’s about a half an hour drive down there. We boarded the boat and headed out of the harbor. It was extremely foggy and overcast that morning. The boats talk to each other and tell of where the whales are feeding. All of a sudden, we heard the captain say that he got word that whales were collecting and feeding out in front of the Cement Ship in Seacliff (right in front of my house!) So, we motored for 45 minutes back in that direction on the boat toward my home.

I called my husband from the cell phone and told him to come out on the deck and wave to us! We saw many whales rolling through the water and feeding, but none breaching or lunging out of the water. Not many good photos that day from the boat, but had a wonderful time.

The next afternoon, I walked out on my deck to my surprise, there were whales breaching, lunging and feeding right in front of our house. This shot was taken from my own house with a long lens!

I was expecting to get some spectacular photo shots from the boat and didn’t get one—gifted with the best shot right from my deck the very next day. This is just an example of how miracles are right in front of us every day and we go way out of our way to chase after them when we don't have to.

So—I guess the lessons I learned here are two things:

1) not setting myself up for disappointment through high expectations
2) paying attention to what is right in front of me each moment

This is also a play off of a previous blog about “if you’re not in awe, you’re not paying attention.” We don’t have to go far out of our way to see the wonders placed before us by God.

This story made me giggle—it’s ALL right there in front of us. I was not paying attention at all while drinking. In sobriety, everything is an opportunity for wonder and growth. I love to show up now for God’s plan each day...

Right here in front of me—if I am willing to be surprised and stay in awe and wonder.

“Be still and know that I am God”

Psalm 46:10

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NO SECRETS

How can we educate people about this epidemic of addiction if nobody talks about it? How can we save those who don’t know there is a solution if they don’t have a model to follow?

Those still struggling with their addiction need to see evidence that people do recover.

I want to be that evidence.

Secrets—keep the addiction firmly in place. Telling the truth—brings our addictions into the light and helps us take the power out of it—giving us a chance at recovery.

There are definitely issues with anonymity, yes, I get it. However, I am out there with my sobriety. I am so grateful and hope that by opening my mouth about recovery, I just might help somebody else too.

This excerpt is from the back of my first book, “Free Beer Tomorrow”:

******************************************************
The secret to my sobriety is that my sobriety is not a secret!

Addiction is shrouded in secrecy, lies and darkness. Separation from God.

Sobriety is staying in the light of the truth.

My prayer is that this book provides hope and inspiration for you if you are seeking to break the bonds of addiction and become the person God meant you to be.

If this book can touch one heart, help save one soul, and lead someone back to the path where they will find God—then it has served its purpose.

You are important. Life is now.

Step into the sunlight. Ask God for help this moment.

I did and I am forever grateful for His Grace.
***********************************************

“Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up.”

James 4:10

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VOICES IN MY HEAD

No, I’m not crazy.

But I do hear voices. Little priceless nuggets that help me in my daily journey in sobriety. The voice of truth for me rings loud and lasts. It reverberates in my head just when I need it to. I hear my sponsor say something in a meeting that I needed to hear. And then later, I tell myself (in her voice) the same thing to keep me on the path. I hear her sponsor’s voice ring with love and laughter in my head, too, as she spouted love and truths that still live there in my head long after her death (in her voice.)

That’s why I continue to go to meetings even after 5142 days of sobriety. To hear the truth. People talking about real stuff.

I believe that God talks through others to me personally. I go to meetings to hear God talk to me. Sounds weird — maybe. But, I look for the evidence. It’s right in front of me. Your growth and change is the evidence I see that God is working in our lives.

If you have a problem with the God concept, use the acronym, GOD—Group Of Drunks. That’s us.

You may hear one of us say something you identify with. Then you become part of the group and all of a sudden it’s not about YOU anymore. Just by sitting in the room and speaking, I am being of service to you. And, you are being of service to me, by talking and telling the people in the room what is really going on with you.
 
Your voice is in my head too. I carry what you say with me and use it when I need to hear truth. God’s truth.

Join us in sobriety. It is such a rich journey. We can’t do it alone. As my grand sponsor used to say, “Keep coming back. I need you.”

I love the voices in my head.

Thank you, God.

“My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.”

 John 10:27

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IF YOU'RE NOT IN AWE...

While stuck in traffic the other day, I saw this bumper sticker:

“If you’re not in awe, you’re not paying attention.”

Wow. So true.

I was not in awe very much while drinking. It was all about me. Every once in a while, I would stop and get inspired by another sunset that God had crafted, but then it was time for another drink to help make the buzz last longer.

After I got sober, I became fully aware—which was terrifying at first. How was I going to live this life without alcohol? I didn't know how. When I put a number of days together without drinking, I realized I could do it with God's help. He gave me gifts of daily living that put me in awe again. That became my buzz—my high.

Then, becoming fully aware was awesome—EVERYTHING was awesome. I realized that God had restored me to all the details of life that were blurred in my stupor...

Seashells in the sand. Dirt. The sunlight hitting a single leaf. My dog’s eyelashes. The cool breeze hitting my face as I walk. Hummingbirds right in front of me. Waking up sober next to my husband. Finding a number every morning on my counter to put in my pocket for my days of sobriety. Singing. Watercolor painting. Breath in my lungs. The sound of crashing waves while looking at another spectacular sunset.

I am paying attention again.

I am in awe—constantly.

Thank you, God, for another day of sobriety.

“For since the creation of the world God’s invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse.”

Romans 1:20

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SPIRIT VS EGO

The definition of Spirit: the nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and character; the soul.

The definition of Ego: the part of the mind that mediates between the conscious and the unconscious and is responsible for reality testing and a sense of personal identity.

While passion fueled by Spirit can save our life, passion directed by ego can ruin it. I have heard it said that the acronym, EGO is “Edging God Out”

So true.

God and I cannot both be in control, or there wouldn’t be a relationship. My ego must be deflated and pushed aside to commune with my God. He is in control.

Have you ever clung to something so passionately and simply could not let go? Like you were letting go of something that was part of you. Perhaps the struggle felt like life and death.

That is how the grip of alcohol felt on me.

I was strong-arming God to say, “I can beat this” (EGO)—when in fact, at the end of my drinking, I could not stop without God's help.

All quality things come to me at the right time by the hand of a gracious God.

Reversing this process and edging ever-so-much-closer to God each day, keeps me right-sized and humble—

And sober.

“God is spirit, and his worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth.”

John 4:24

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DIVISION VS UNITY

Division releases chaos.

Unity releases power.

It is so easy to get caught up in the discord that is happening in our nation today.

Who is right and who is wrong?

That is not the question.

In this world there will always be differing opinions. It's when we band together to take sides and separate ourselves that all the chaos takes place. Anger boils. Then violence.

I am naturally a very emotional person and sometimes take on others’ upset. It is hard for me to watch news and not get deeply involved, have a strong opinion and go directly into judgement. This never solves anything.

Early in my recovery from alcohol, I was taught to look for the similarities in other people, not the differences. To identify with them and not compare myself with others. To identify implies seeing likenesses. Comparing implies looking for better than or less than—judgement.

When I see the differences, I become “separate.”
When I see the similarities, I become “part of.”

The way out of the pit of isolation is to identify, be a part of, and to notice and feel similarities with others.

This empowers us. It helps us step out of judgement into acceptance. Taking this world as it IS, not as I would have it.

Find somebody, find the similarities and talk with them. In all aspects of your life. I think you’ll find that feeling of belonging. Then do it again. This kind of re-training our brains to come back together and find common ground is stepping toward unity again.

Practice it again — then, again. It's powerful.

You in yet?

“Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Colossians 3:13-14

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WILLINGNESS TO CHANGE

The baby finches in this video just hatched a few days ago. Their temporary home is on our deck on top of a light fixture. Up high and under the awning — safe from predators. They’re in a vulnerable state from the beginning as eggs. Then when hatch, they have to trust the momma bird to keep them warm, feed them and protect them.

They are so open, trusting, willing to learn, and grow.

It reminds me that as human babies, we rely on our family — open, trusting and willing to grow. Then as we grow up, we get confident and try our wings. We have our own motor skills, our own thoughts, our own actions and decisions.

Free to choose.

And, with our own free will, we can get lost in life and not even know it.  

In my drinking, I had lost my way. I was so selfish and thought only of what I wanted or what I was thinking or feeling. I had grown into someone that didn’t have to listen to you. I could go on my own power and self-motivation — leaving God out of the equation. I didn’t have to trust. I didn’t have to be open to anything I didn’t want to do—or what you wanted me to do. Stubborn, willful, full of self. Wasn’t my own will enough? It seemed to be working fine.

Until it wasn't.

•  I was drinking and having fun with no consequences.
•  Then I was drinking with problems.
•  After that, I was just drinking with problems and consequences.
•  Finally, I was just drinking.

How did I get here?

When I got sober, it was like becoming a child again—like the baby birds. Learning to trust others — again.

Trust myself — again.

Trust God — again.

Be open to new ways of thinking — again.

Letting go of what was not working for me and being willing to change — for the first time.

The willingness to change has afforded me this new sober life and it feels good. It feels right. Yesterday I celebrated 5113 days of sobriety—in a row! Fourteen years. 

How did I get here?

One day at a time.

If I can do it, so can you.  

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.”

Proverbs 3:5-6

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TAKING MYSELF DOWN A NOTCH

In my drinking days, alcohol was my way of taking myself down a notch. That was the easy way out of not feeling the feelings of sadness, anger, depression, fear, isolation—all of those emotions that I want to run away from normally, especially in the grieving process. I don’t have that option anymore. Period.

Life gets easier to live now that I have accumulated many days of sobriety. And yet, the tough things are still there to get through.

Death.

Yes, death took me to my bottom of drinking in 2004. It was easier to check out and not sort through all of those feelings. I have experienced a lot of death in the last three years. Mom, my niece, and most-recently, my sister. Now what to do with all of that emotion without the option of alcohol?

In the process of grief, I have learned several mechanisms I have put in place to protect myself:

1.) Busy. Make myself busy. Crazy busy. The busier the better. No thinking. No feeling. Busy.

Ok, that’s not it. That just postpones the inevitable feelings waiting to surface when I slow down.

2.) Take myself down a notch emotionally and spiritually. Don’t feel. Make myself numb. Not available to myself or to you. Not serving either one of us.

That doesn’t work either. My protect mechanisms weren’t protecting. They were depleting me, exhausting me and making me feel empty. My only option left is to surrender.

God.

Whew. I need to reconnect, refill, and restore—

God, I offer myself to Thee - To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt.
Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will.
Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness
to those I would help of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy Way of life.
May I do Thy will always! Amen.

Ok, God. I am back.

“Be still, and know that I am God”
Psalm 46:10

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WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

What do you mean, “Draw within the lines?”

“What about all of these other surfaces that need decorating?”

I was about six years old when I was happily coloring at the kitchen table and then looked up. I suddenly had an idea that little colored crayon circles would look nice just above the drawers and below the countertop on the kitchen cabinets. Wow. It did. It looked beautiful.

I continued around the entire kitchen with my glorious idea. It was almost complete, when mom walked in and saw me drawing with crayon on the kitchen cabinets— “oh, she’s gonna like this...”

A whack on my bottom stung so painfully, I stopped in my tracks with such surprise. I guess she was not pleased. How was I to know that crayon art was limited to the coloring books or paper on the kitchen table. And, even if I did know that, who made that up? If it was fun drawing on paper and in the coloring books, drawing on the cabinets would me MORE fun, right?

I learned boundaries from my mom and dad. What was acceptable and what was not. As an adult, I grew into loving painting on watercolor paper and canvas. The boundaries were not so clear in my “drinking thinking” later in life. I didn’t have any whack on the bottom to warn me getting drunk was out of bounds. No pain or consequences to suffer (except a hangover) to help me realize that it was not good behavior. I didn’t know when to stop. And, frankly, why should I? Aren’t we still having fun? If one was fun, wouldn’t twelve more drinks be quite delightful? Isn’t more of everything always better?

No.

My dilemma as a child and the drawing experience, was learning the boundaries of my mother’s rules. The boundaries of drinking for me were nonexistent. One was never enough. So when I got sober, I had to change my thinking about drinking. I have a sober friend who always says, “It’s not the drinking, it’s the thinking.” If I didn’t take that first drink, I wouldn’t get drunk.

Huh? It’s not the first drink that gets me drunk, it’s the third, fourth, fifth and so on. I had to learn that if the first drink didn’t happen, the likelihood of more would not happen either.

Hmmm. I had to replace that first thought of a drink with something else. How about a conversation with another human or with God? Yep. That helped. Again and then, again.

Then, I had to figure out what to do when those feelings of having the first drink appeared again. What was I thinking or doing when I wanted that drink? I was usually bored, mad, anxious, resentful, and wanting to take myself down a notch. What else would work?

Prayer. Walking the dogs and prayer. Walking the dogs, prayer and a meeting. Walking the dogs, prayer, a meeting, talk to my sponsor, and oh yeah—working the steps.

Yes, this worked.

It has worked for me for 5100 days in a row.

Try it.

“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”
2 Corinthians 12:9

SPONSORSHIP—THE LIGHT IS ON

My main goal on New Years Eve ever since I got sober was to stay off the roads after 5 pm. One of the women I sponsor was chairing a meeting at 5:30 pm. I couldn’t miss it.

I had watched her go in and out of sobriety (mostly out), in and out of rehab, hospitals, CPS almost taking her kids, crashing her car — all of it. But after all of this I KNEW she wanted it now. I knew she finally wanted to stay sober.

Regarding sponsorship, my sponsor always said to me, “They have to want their sobriety MORE than you want it for them.”

I had to watch her hit her very bottom and also had to let her go and let it happen. This was part of my journey and the lesson for me to learn. She had 52 days of sobriety when one of my friends asked her to chair the New Year’s Eve meeting. I had to be there to hear her.

She looked beautiful. She was finally living in a sober living house, going to meetings every day, helping others, and most importantly, letting others help her. Her light was on.

As I sat there in the very small meeting watching her proudly tell her story, an overwhelming thought came to me that brought me to tears:

“She finally wants her sobriety MORE than I want it for her!”

That thought was such a gift for me to receive on New Year’s Eve.

Sponsorship can be such a blessing and a learning experience.

So grateful I get to show up for both.

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."

Matthew 5:16

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